Covenant Child by Terri Blackstock

OMW!!! I just finished this book today and boy did it speak to my heart. Yes, it's a fiction book but wait until you read it. It is an awesome book that does a great job at sharing Christs love for us in a way we can understand easily, and it also shows how so many of us are. Untrusting and scared to be loved. I will be sitting down tonight, hopefully, and writing down my thoughts using their study guide in the back.

This book is sooooooo good. I recommend it to anyone that is looking for a new book to read. It shows how God is reaching out to us, watching over us, if you will, and yet we can't accept his love to us because we don't believe.

I can relate to both twins in the story because one part of me is trusting and reaches out to God and believes and lives by His word. So that I, like Lizzie, can live in His house and there is so much. He gives and blesses us and all we have to do is follow His ways.

Then I relate to Kara and her attitude of untrust and finding her own way. She made so many bad decisions because she just couldn't believe that Amanda was real adn honest and so she went through so many things until at her wits end she made the call that brought into motion all the things she could have had all along and just couldn't believe.

My life is like this, Lizzie is the one part that wants to believe and does to a point. Sometimes the Kara inside of me is the loudest with her "what if's". It's as easy as believing and yet something that easy is so hard to do. I love God and want Him to have control and yet there is this little voice inside of me that says but what if He doesn't come through this time. LOL. Life is hard and the more you lose the more you struggle with trusting Him.

Words are easy, but do I really trust???

When is Selfish

OK, so Sunday Bro. Tiger Hille preached on No Room, but really was talking about simplifying your life to make room for God. I took that to a new level, well, actually I believe God dealt with my heart during the message that I have got to simplify my life. I live for others, my decisions in life are based on what will so and so say about this, will they allow that, will they still be my friend if I say or do etc etc etc. OK, so it sounds crazy to you but that is how my life is made up. Trying to follow everyones rules and regulatiosn and restrictions so that my life has joy. I just spent a weekend where about half of it was filled with tears because actions I took to surprise people was blown WAY out of proportion and I got blasted because of it. I was being nice and kind and generous and giving and I got took down several notches, I couldn't sleep Friday night, I laid looking at the ceiling tears pouring trying to figure out why I give and give and give expecting nothing in return, I don't expect any extra favors or thank you's, etc. But in not expecting anything in return I got very blindsided by anger that was directed at me in a very public manner. It crushed me, because I have given in excess and would do it again and I get hurt and games played with me. I try to not care but the last month or so my depression has come back full fledged and I've struggled with so many things. I finally sat down and just opened up about my hurt, then Sunday morning he preached Simplify!!!! So I told my parents this weekend, it's time to get real. Do not expect me to tip toe around you and your ideas, I can't do it anymore, it's killing me. Literally. I have friends that because of churches I attend or things I do, they come and go in my life. Our friendship is literally contingent on if I life just like them, standard wise and otherwise. I worry and fret over what they hear or what I say and pictures I send. Why? To maintain a relationship that is one sided, I am bowing to them and the stress and worry is too much.

I deal with depression, anxiety, etc over my Mom and Dad's health. I don't have time for finicky relationships. You can ask my bestest friend in the WHOLE world, Ruby, nad she will tell you, I accept you just like you are. Your weird ideas and differing degrees of beliefs and standards. Lord, does Ruby ever know, I have been tested and tried. ROFLOL. But other than Ruby, I've never received that kind of acceptance. If I admit to watching the wrong type of show, phone calls and emails quit. If you don't agree with my attire or hair dos I don't get invited anymore. I told my Mom this morning, I have fought this stupid depression for over a month at this severe of a degree and the last 2 or 3 days I have had chest pains and anxiety attacks and it's not worth it. Nothing is worth this pain. I have got to learn to live for myself and God and let the others go. If they stay, great!!! If not, I'll learn to get over the pain. Someday...

So for now, I am living life for ME!!!

Simplify Life

So I'm learning lessons in life, don't love too deeply or you set yourself for hurt. Believe me!!! There are not many people I love deeply and would do or give anything too. I'm learning that isn't healthy because your well intentioned plans and ideas might backfire and leave laying awake at night, tears streaming down your face wondering why you love so deeply and it's never reciprocated??

So I know you don't give to receive and you should give expecting nothing in return and I was taught this my whole life, you hear it preached from time to time. I agree wholeheartedly with this idea and I love the Christmas Season because I love planning and shopping and looking for the perfect gifts. Everyone isn't that way though.

Jason Crabb - Sometimes I Cry.flv

OK, this song just became my favorite!!! So true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Been Awhile

OMG!! It's been almost a month since I wrote last. It's the holiday time of year and it's getting busy. People come and gone and that chapter is OVER!!!

I was so excited about the holidays and a email full of funnies that got a little sharp and a weird moment with my Social Anxiety where I sat in front of my gym and bawled my eyes out because I could not for the life of me force myself to go inside because of the amount of people inside sent me spirling into a really bad depression. I fell into a mode of eating and sleeping, couldn't get enough sleep and food. It's been awhile since my world has been that dark. The last week or so my brother kept me busy hanging out, went to their house and had a "party" LOL. Then shopped til I dropped and church was good yesterday and I feel better today. First time in a couple weeks but I'm thankfull!!!

Tonight since I'm feeling better I have lots to do!!! Need to get the Christmas village set up and the front door wreath done. Sooo, hopefully Stephanie will be bored and want to come hang out and help. LOL.

I'll write again soon.

Busy Busy Busy!!!

So the last few weeks have been crazy busy as usual!!!

Changing churches has left me with a packed schedule!!! I landed myself smack dab in the middle of a large, very busy/active church. Not that my prior churches were not but as a single female I never found my place. I feel like God has led me to where I am now and I'm excited and busy and loving life. So many things to talk about.

I auditioned for the choir and made it. Now just getting to practice and singing!!! Very excited about that. The music is out of this world. The praise team sings with such passion and anointing!!! Sis Foster leads the worship service with an anointing that not very many people find. A couple of weeks ago I had a visitor and when we finished praying for her a lady in the church came up to me and laid hands on me and begin to pray that God would bless me and touch me, etc. All the things people say when they pray but then she got down to my life! She begin to ask God to give me courage and strength in my life to be able to face the things I have to deal with. She then begin to pray regardign the heavy burden and load that I carry on my shoulders because of my responsibilities with my family. That God knew the load I'm carrying and that He cares and will be there with me when I'm alone. I was bawling. See, no one has a clue about my life. Most people don't!!! There are people that know alot and still probably don't know the affect things in life have on me. But God has shown me His ways recently and I've gained a new lease on life. I'm excited about God and church. It's been a long time.

So, last Saturday I went to Ladies Brunch and we had some AWESOME food and fellowship, then a time of praise and worship together, then Sis. Foster talked on prayer and meditating on God. It was so awesome. For several months I have felt like something inside of me was coming back to life or wanting to but I was so numb and dead feeling. Today I feel alive and that little nudging feeling inside of me has burst into bloom and my life has found meaning and a reason for a future. God is becoming so real, I go to services and He is there to strengthen me and give me joy!!! Oh, the joy!!! Back to Saturday... After Sis Foster had talked she asked us to begin to pray together and the Spirit of God came in so real and sweet. Then she asked us to find one person close by and one on one pray a blessing on our sister and so we begin to do that. As we were praying I felt like an urgency came into the room and Sis Foster begin to talk to us about how some didn't know it but what they were receiving in that moment was important because of the things they would soon face. Little did I know!!!

I lift there flew over to Toys R Us to buy Landon's birthday present and then trying to call my brother back I noticed a strange number on my phone. I got the worst feeling, it just swept over me. I ignored the call and went on about my business. We were having a great watching Landon eat his birthday cake and get it everywhere when I got a notification that I had a message on Facebook on my iPhone, curious I logged in and literally stopped cold. I stared at the message trying to decide what to do. Do I just ignore it which is what I wanted to do or pass the message on to my Mom who really doesn't need this right now?? I thought about it, logged out and my heart was racing and I had that detached numb feeling, finally I told her and she said she had heard, she had received a phone call and "they" were wanting to come back and told me the situation. I will just openly state, I'm tired of people that use and take advantage of others. I'm through with it. My Mom is not a healthy person mentally right now. Don't understand the attack my family is under but we do not need this right now. I was seeing healing and unity come back to our family and in one instant 3 people totally ruined all that we had found!!!

When we refused to extend an open invitation to them my Mom fell into a depression, I call it pouting, she would have beat my behind for acting that way. But oh well!!! Monday rolled around and you know it she left for Houston to pick them up. Amazing they fell right back into their lazy routine. Everyone wants a handout but they don't want to work for it.

So for today they supposedly will be leaving next week if not well, lets say I will take care of it. I'm sick of people using my Mom for their advantage because they know she can't say No. It won't happen again. I have been praying and praying along with other members of my family that my Mom will find healing for her mind and emotions but you can't get help for things you refuse to acknowledge. I know that God sees and He cares because He has been touching my life and mine and heart.

Where my family is headed in teh future I have no idea. I do know though, that God has a work for us and I have prayed and God has heard, He has awakened me and has begin to pick up the pieces of my broken dreams and promises and He is making them new. As Bro. Kenneth Haney preached last weekend, God is breathing on them and these dry bones will live again!!!

I don't know what the future holds and I don't understand why the battles have been hard and long but I do know that God knows!!! He has a work for me and the devil knows also. The devil knows that as long as he keeps my family divided and dragged down we can not rise above!! He also sees that we are awake and with Gods help we are coming out!!! The victory will be great.

This very long, very hard storm has been our test but we will rise above!!!!

I Get Angry At Myself!!!

So, the last week or so has not gone so well... Yesterday was a really bad day overall. Ended up I was dehydrated and such and went to bed early and began to feel better.

Today I felt well but tonight I drove to the gym, pulled in and parked and there were just too many people and I couldn't do it. I bawled all teh way home so frustrated but not sure how to get over this hump. It could all be better tomorrow or I may be like this for weeks, who knows.

Mom told me tonight she thinks my phobia is extreme because of my worry over my Dad. I don't know why but I wish it would stop.

My poor brother isn't any better, he's worse, having panic attacks. Sigh, I am going to go to sleep.

I'm Officially on the iPhone Wagon......

and I like it. LOL. Well, most of it. They really need to get over to talk to the Samsung people on the little, is it qwerty, keyboard? The iPhone keypad stinks and I mean like a barn that is getting mucked, that is STINKY!!! I think main problem with iPhone is the fact your FINGER has to touch the screen, your stylus or fingernail WILL NOT work. Samsung was by pressure I guess and typing was much better.

I love all the little apps I can download and use. The games aren't as neat but some of the other apps make up for that. I love the fact my Pandera internet radio is now free (Samsung was 8.99 a month). Ummm, lets see, oh the Facebook app is great I really like that, I mean I can leave my laptop at home and still my finacial budgets, facebook, photobucket, myWireless AT&T, Paypal, the foodnetwork shows, etc are all at my finger tips. I'm not to sure about the the online banking, is that safe??? Love the budget/bill apps because I have my totals and payment dates etc. That is neat.

I love the ringtones I can get. Lord, LOL, next time you see me have me show you. Hehe, my family will just LOVE me. They each have their own special ringtone. I love it.

Oh and nutrition and fitness, how cool is that?? I'm not extremely fond of the fact iTunes is now a permanent program on my laptop, I've never been much of an iTunes fan, but OK, guess I am now. LOL.

I am cheap so I bought the 8GB and now wonder why??? I mean I've filled the thing half way up already. However, I have a TON of music on my iPhone and I'm slowly going through the play list of my more enjoyed music and I am deleting those that don't just totally capture me. I'm really weird about my music.

OH, and on the organizing front!!!! I love how I can move my icons around, I have like 7 pages/screens and some only have 1 or 2 icons on it. LOL. You would just have to be to understand.

I'm headed outside for some quiet time with the sunset. Just in kind of a weird moody mood. Not sure why but I am and I need to see the sun set. Just me....

Sometimes God Takes The Time To Speak To ME!!!

So today I was so tired but drug myself out of bed and made it to church. Bro. Wallace was teaching on Not losing or giving up on your miracle. It was a great lesson, then the 2nd service started and the presence of God was there. It was one of those services where God feels so close. It was like he was so close. Then Bro Daryl Bennett preached and it was an awesome message "If You Can't Help Me, Please Don't Hurt Me". It rang so true in my heart as he spoke about how we tend to judge people when we need to pray for them and love them regardless. It was so good. Then we all went to the front to pray. I had my time of talking to God and was just standing there praying for the people in the altar. A lady in the church leaned over to me and begin to pray for me. She didn't know me and had no clue what my life is like but she spoke to me in a very real way. I knew it was from God as she begin to pray that God would bless me and that He knew the heavy burden that I carry on my shoulders and asked that He give me the strength and health to carry it. I couldn't stop the tears that began to pour down my cheeks. No one really knows or really understands but in a short moment God let me know that He knew and He cared. When the world goes by and leaves you standing alone, God knew!!!

In the last couple of months I have received such healing in my heart and soul. Wounds I have carried for so long and I didn't know how to get past them. I thought my life was over that I had no future and I just kind of assumed that God didn't really care because I was so miserable. But it took me making a move that wasn't hard to me. I reached out in love and received it in return. In a instance the pain and hurt was GONE!!! It took God 2 seconds to heal my heart. I didn't realize for a couple weeks, I knew that in that instance the load lifted but didn't really dawn on me until the other day when I was driving home and God spoke to my heart and asked if I had realized that I looked forward to the future again? I really hadn't thought about it but in my car driving down the road God begin to make me aware of how happy I felt. In the last 8-9 years I've existed in life. I thought it was over for me, but God said No, there was just a time in my life that for some reason that I still don't fully understand He led me through very deep adn dark valleys in my life. Today I feel happy, I look forward to the next phase of my life, I'm loving life and I feel an excitement about life and church and God I've not felt in years and years.

I don't even know how to begin to thank God for what He has done. He has given me a life again and I'm can't wait to see what will happen in my life.

Farm Work Must Go On…

So lots of stuff going on out on the farm. Here is a run down of what is going on out there. LOL.

First off, we have 5 dogs; 4 medium sized dogs and 1 very BIG dog. LOL. Miss Grace (Spooch) is at 50lbs and growing. She is still working on outgrowing that puppy legs don’t always do right stage. LOL. All that to say, we’ve had to work around them being in the house here and there. So my bathroom has been a doghouse and the utility has been a doghouse. But it’s about to change. The backyard is fenced in and we are going to fence it off in the middle and Delayie Jayd and Hayleigh Daun will be on one side just have to finish up their house area. Laycie Renay and Frostie Layne will be on the other and we will build them a shelter, they HATE dog houses. They don’t understand they are dogs. Hehe. Then Spooch will be inside.

On to cats, I have cats, Mom has cats and we are baby sitting cats. LOL. All in all, we have 7 cats, so we are going to screen in our backporch and finish the roof and the cats will gain a home there. I have ideas for perches to sit on and such. I’m putting a wood floor down in my bathroom and the carpet can be used as covering for their perches. Good idea huh?? I know!!! Then we will have 1 dog and 1 cat and our turtle and fish only in the house. LOL. How easy will that be??? I can not wait!!!!

Now outside the backyard and house, The horse has a barn, we just have to replace some boards that are rotting out and because of summer it was open more for the breeze to go through. Then we are going to go with homeless shelters again for the goats, they really liked them last year and we had 3 different styles so we know their preferences on the styles. Then a little shelter on top for Candy the cat (a beautiful Persian looking cat that hates other cats so she lives with goats and a horse, figure that one out???). Then the chickens are going to move from out back near the swimming pool to up next to the house, where we can easily reach them during the really cold time with heat lamps. So that is good and then, the animals will be ready for winter, well the really cold times. Lucy will need a little house too. That is the goose. LOL.

So whew I’m already tired, we are starting off with chickens moving and dogs going outside. Which it was all such good ideas and it started raining. Thankfully just for today I think though!!!!

So that is all for today, hope you enjoyed my ramblings, gets my thought out of my head and onto paper. YAY!!!

Holidays are Upon Us...

I’m so excited to be entering into the Holiday Season!!! I love Thanksgiving and Christmas time of year, it’s cool/cold outside and I get such good sleep. I enjoy the food, it’s the only time you have to make that many decisions on what to eat. I don’t plan on killing my diet but I do plan to enjoy myself. LOL.

Our family is doing something different this year. We are doing potluck and you bring food that YOU like, so Shawna and I are doing Italian, and we are very excited. LOL. Then we are going to do homemade gifts, I’m thinking baked goods, OR like a Christmas relaxing time basket, to include snacks for in front of the DVD player, LOL, with mugs, hot chocolate and marshmellows, etc. LOL.

It really sucks though being single at this time of year. I love exchanging gifts, the not knowing and trying to find the perfect gift. People with families don’t want to or can’t really do the whole gift thing because they have kids and families etc. But it really makes Christmas lonely and sad. I love the hustle and bustle but wish Christmas Day was a little more fun for me. Most of the time singleness isn’t so bad, you can work or play and forget the pain of it all, but then families segment off and you remember just how lonely being single is. I hate “family” situations where I’m left standing alone, it’s actually pretty cruel and people don’t realize it.

OK, on to something else, I’m working on changing and have already made changes in that area of my life. So happy thoughts please. LOL

I have a few ideas for gifts. I’m so excited!! Thanksgiving will be different this year, we always trade out years, one year is Mom’s side of the family and the next year is Dad’s side of the family. This year is the year for Dad’s side and Nanny is making rumblings that she ain’t gonna feel like going. So it may just be the 4 of us. Mom isn’t wanting to cook so she mentioned going out to eat. I hate that… So un-holiday feeling. Sometimes I think the older you get the more joy that gets sucked out of life. You don’t have those moments to share special times/people with.

So maybe I’ll do Thanksgiving this year… Cook it myself. Hmmm, idea. I wish my Mom would slow down in life so she would feel the energy and joy of holidays again. It used to be fun and now she wants to just skip it.

I am considering doing baked goods and giving them to a lot of people though, I have some cute ideas in my head. So I thought if I work them out and get it all together that would be so much fun!!! I love giving gifts and it does help a little bit because it gives you a reason to keep going.

I think I need to work on ways to find Joy for myself. I’ve got to get past what my family does or they will drag me down too. I intend on finding and keeping the mystery and magic of the Holidays!!!

Life Changes Going Good

So I'm liking the new church. The music is to die for!! I'm thinking of making it permanent so I can be a part. LOL. The size is a new experience for me, I've been in bigger churches but this is HUGE!! Everyone has been overly friendly in a good way. It's been awesome to reconnect with old friends.

For so many years I've carried so much guilt and regret and with one meeting it's gone!! It's like that huge load just lifted and went away. I thank God for that.

I'm going to the gym 4-6 time a week and it's going well, you can check that out on my weightloss blog.

Hoping to begin attending Bible college next year to take music. Very excited about that!!! I want to be able to give my best to God and not of myself. I get tired of music based on a person's ego. I just want to worship and use my talents and let God get the glory. Who cares if I become anything or a name, if He is pleased that is all that matters!!!

Gonna Start Shopping at CVS!!!

OK, Ruby has told me all the deals and steals she gets at Walgreens or CVS and today I stumbled across a blog where a lady keeps tabs on her CVS steals. LOL. She is buying $5 toothpaste for $0.25. Yeah, I've got to get on this train. LOL. So I'm starting to gather my coupons again, which is fun to me.

I have a plan, I'll only clip the things I actually buy. LOL. I love the clipping part and get clip happy but then I have a bunch of coupons I'll never use. So I'll let you know how it goes. Hoping to start finding coupons for what I use!!!

I'm telling you I'm ready to learn this secret and I'll post the results on here for you to see. LOL. Ruby will be so proud. I even promise to shop with her stores. Haha.

Hmm, I'm now registared on CVS.com. I'm really trying to get away from the whole Walmart thing. I hate shopping there and it's gotten to where it isn't any cheaper for what I'm buying so why torture myself??? I've not been to Walmart in over 2 weeks. YAY me!!! I've shopped at our local grocery store, David's, Family Dollar AND CVS. So we'll see how this goes!!

Life Decisions

So I'm taking a time in my life to seriously consider where I am in life and where I should be and where I am headed. I've taken a big step in considering stepping out on my own. I can already see things could get rough. LOL. My Nanny wants to step out with me and it won't happen!!! This is a freedom I need as a adult, as a grown daughter and as a single adult. I need to find a place to find friendships that are strong and lasting and a place to call my own. I have dreams of my own that I can't find as long as I am trying to be Jill of all trades. So I'm taking a new direction in life, looks like I'll be the member of a different church. It's larger and different in alot of ways but I like it. I took my Dad with me last Sunday and he approved, enjoyed it alot. Told the pastor to take care of me, in which he said he would put me to work. There is so much going on. There worship is close to how I grew up. I feel an excitement I've not felt in years. Maybe it's the change or maybe it's because I'm finding my place. I've found me in the last few months and now I think I'm finding my place. I'm sure there is still alot of things I'll have to figure out but I feel a peace and I don't know like a warm fuzzy feeling and I'm not drinking. LOL. Never have and never will.

Mom was telling me she felt such a happiness Sunday and Bro. Najera even spoke about how she was trying to find her way a few Sundays ago and our country roads were flooded, he told her he felt like the sun was coming out. Mom said she feels like it's because she has known for so long that we were unhappy and miserable and now that we are finding happiness and a place to really belong she is happy.

I think part of it has to do with there not being any stress because of people living with us. It's been a really good last week overall. I feel like my life has begun again and it's a whole new world to explore. The church I've been attending has a focus on helping hurting people and I can see that they except you where you are and be a friend and help you grow.

I'm still praying about it but I really believe I've found a place to set up roots. It's big and I'm just a small boat in a huge ocean but you know if you are where you are supposed to be you can grow into a healthy and happy person and reach out like you know you should.

I'm sure I'll write more soon, for today this is it!!!

I'm tired, stress of my doctors appt really wore me down. LOL.

Life Moments

So life is so back to normal. LOL. I am working on a project I've wanted to do for over 5 years, put wood looking laminate flooring in my room and bath. I'm so excited!!! I bought 1 case last night to see what it will look like and make sure I like it. It's awesome, it dawned on me last night that I want to repaint my bathroom and that should be done BEFORE the floor goes in. I'm going to start out trying to do this on my own, we'll see how it goes. I am going to start tearing out carpet today!!!!!!!

My allergies are so bad and I've discovered as I have gotten older I've obtained a cat allergy and I'm beginning to think a dog allergy also. Laycie and Frosties are so fuzzy and shed so bad and I think this is a problem now. LOL. I love them dearly so can't get rid of them, so I'm goign to try taking up the carpet. No more animal dander in the carpet, no more mold from cleaning the carpets, no more allergies from dust from the vaccum. So I'm thinking this is a great idea!!!

I will be posting very soon regardign the Biggest Loser and my gym/weightloss stuff on my weight-loss blog, so stand by.

I'll post more later, with this wonderful weather, I'm thinking of getting outside for a bit!!!!

Learning To Live For Today!!

So I've been busy lately, alot going on at home. My grandmother has her never ending train of doctors, she keeps me VERY busy on my off days. Then Dad has has 2 eye surgeries and the surgery to get his artery and veins in his arm ready for dialysis. All that in one month. LOL. Oh, and of course the pump INSIDE the septic tank went out and we got to buy a new one, how nice. LOL.

So on the farm front things are drying out and the animals are oh so happy. LOL. I'm happy too, that I'm not wading 6 inches of mud twice a day. We needed the rain but it sure does make things rough on the farm. It's still soft but the sun has done a great job at drying it out so far. I'm thankful.

Katie turned 5 who would have thought it's been 5 years since the little one was born?? WOW, I didn't get to do the whole campout thing because I've been sick, battling pnuemonia. So I thought I would be cute and go just for a couple hours, I seemed to do OK, until yesterday morning and yuck. I paid for it big time. Today I feel a bit better. Very tired though, I have to stop at the store and then home to veg out on the couch. LOL.

I've really been searching out God's will for my life. I guess I didn't really realize it but according to my family I've been very unhappy for some time. After talking about it with my parents and praying about it they have urged me to step out on my own and visit around and find a place that has a good singles group. It's kind of scary, lol, I'm not one that enjoys doing things on my own. I'm trying though and I've had such peace about it. I've enjoyed seeing family and friends and just not having any responsibilities right now. God is good!!! I know if I continue with pray and solid advice from people I respect I can follow His leading. I don't understand fully why I am where I am right now. Why I can't just go lead a normal life like everyone else, but then I see the healing that has recently taken place in my life and also healing I feel I am being able to help others with and I see a little clearer why God has brought me the way He has. He knows the future as well as the past and He knows how to work things out so that He can use us in just the right time. I don't know what my future holds but for right now I do know He holds it and He knows.

On a positive note, after 6 months our boarders are gone. They made the decision last week to go back home to Houston and we wish them the best. It has been so quiet, clean and peaceful at home. Things are so much less stressful... It is for the best and maybe I can help someone in the future not have to let it get out of control. It's just been nice.

So until next time I have something to say which will be soon. Biggest Loser season 8 is here. I've seen the first episode and will be recaping that soon. Looks to be a very emotional season for sure.

I'm So Happy

Gavin got the Holy Ghost last night and was baptized in Jesus Name!!!! NOTHING can compare to that!!!! It was awesome. It was Holy Ghost Sunday at DFC and 30+ received the Holy Ghost and a good amount of them were baptized. Thank you Jesus!!!

Well, the rain is killing us. Our little farm is floating away. The poor animals are getting sour moods going. The water is standing so deep, our road has been closed down a couple times. Oreo was so despondant we had to take her to the vet and she got a antibiotic shot and also a B12 shot for energy. They are just miserable. All I can say is God PLEASE let the rain stop... could we get it in little doses? I mean the Trinity is getting ready to break cresting levels!!! Plus, I had to take the goat to the vet and I was so nasty and muddy and we got a cute vet. That is just wrong. Which I was covered in mud and not blood. That is a plus I guess. LOL.

How do you know what God's Will is for you? That is where I'm at in life right now. I have always felt like a certain thing in my life but at present it is coming to pass and people seem to think I'm doing the wrong thing. I was miserable adn longing and I find answers and happiness and joy and it's supposed to be wrong? I need answers God.

The last 2 Sundays I have been blessed to hear one of THE BEST praise teams in Pentecost in my opinion. They are dynamic and anointed, their talent is unmeasured. I have been awed by them at each service. I can't wait to hear their choir. I hear it's small compared to the amount of people they have in service but that it is awesome. I'm excited!!

God knows what he is doing. Sometimes he gives us the ability to bring hope and healing to others. I am blessed, so blessed.

Ranchin'

Ok, so to officially be a ranch you have to have 25 head of cattle. I don't even own 1 head of cattle. However, I think the goose, 4 goats and horse are onry as 25 head of cattle. LOL.

So I've been going on and on about adding a fenced in area where there is grass so I can let the animals out to graze sometimes. Well, Rowdy has been in a horrible mood, like really really bad mood. He wants out of his yard. So I put his lead and harness thingy on and let him graze but I have to stay right there. Sooooo, we got to talking Saturday and decided, you know what? Let's just buy the posts and put it up. So I bought 8 metal posts and a neighbor (builds houses in our area) gave me a bunch of hog fencing. So we put up posts (Yes, even I had a hammer and I have the sore muscles and hands to prove it. LOL) and tied the fencing up and though it's not as secure as it needs to be for the goats, it's perfect for Rowdy and I'm so proud!!! The goats have not pushed their limits yet, hopefully having the grass to eat in small doses, they will be so happy to have grass they don't try to escape. My experience with my girls is that they only try to push the fence limits when they don't have green grass and there is some just outside the fence. LOL.

Dad is doing better. He goes Wednesday to the surgeon to schedule for his dialysis port. Then September 15th he goes for his other eye surgery!!! He officially starts driving again tomorrow!!! Thank You Jesus. LOL.

So Last night I went to Chuck's Pawpaw's viewing. He seemed like such a nice man and obviously he was. The chapel was packed!!! I told Ruby, it makes you think if I died tomorrow what would the viewing look like? Would I be that loved? You know you go through life and realize no one notices you missing and you wonder do I make a ripple in this big pond called life?? I have to wonder.

Last night I also got to watch Tim preach at The Rock Church. They had what my grandparents called a Holy Ghost Hoedown!!! Tim preached about Celebrating and it was great!! I had tears in my eyes watching the alter call. Where are those services? Where is the Power? I go visit places and there it is, but how do you find it? Mom and I were talking about how it seems we are asleep. Perhaps I am, would not doubt it but there is a stirring deep inside and I'm longing for something I can't find. I'm searching, longing for a relationship with a Creator that will heal me, cleanse me, love me.

Where is it? The Power

What a Weekend!!!

So, this last week has been so crazy. It has been a very busy and full week/end, some good and some bad stuff. So here goes, thankfully most readers have no clue who I am, come on China??? I don't know anyone in China, or how about Tessakaniki or something like that... where do you even find that country, I guess, whatever. LOL. It's like hmmm!!!



So the week started out OK, I can't remember what went on last weekend but I somehow got alot of rest and Monday started out well, Tuesday was OK. My sister in law, Tiffany, and I decided we would join a gym and began researching womens gyms, we wanted to wear the correct attire for working out and skirts are hard to work around and not be immodest. So we checked out LOA and it's exactly what we were wanting and more!!!

Now it's been another week and so much has happened!!! Top it all with I'm so confused and though I know no one gives a care, it makes the confusion worse. Yes, I'm talking in riddles and no you don't understand. I'm not asking anyone to understand, the important ones, mentors and those I deem most important in my life to help me make decision in my life know and no one else matters.

Things look like they are about to get better, I hope so!!! Other areas, not so sure.

Headed to lala land, perhaps I'll get some peaceful good rest. I worked hard today, very busy day!!!

OK, I'm officially scared. LOL

I hate doctors, I'm not talking about a mild dislike, I out and out HATE them. They scare the living daylights out of me.

I tried to renew my BP meds and they renewed them one more time and that is it. So now it's getting down to time to renew and I HAVE to go to the doc to get my script. ARGH!!!

See, my BP is perfectly normal as long as I take meds at least everyother day and there is no major stress in my life. But BP was not the only problems. I wish they would go away and I could go on the way I have for years with no insurance. See I can't get insurance, it's not a option through work and I literally can not get it on my own, I am overweight and am a risk because of health issues like high BP. So they refer you to Texas High Risk Insurance and there you get to pay $500 a month and get nothing, basically they will cover very small things and your deductibles are sky high, it's just not plausible.

So since my County isn't set up for people like me, I did the only thing I could think of and took a test run through the local free clinic. It was humiliating and I went home and bawled my eyes out. It was the most embarrassing thing I've ever endured and the problem I went for they agreed all the symptoms were there and when blood work came back ok, that was that. My problem wasn't fixed it just wasn't that. It was so frustrating. I called Medicaid and even at my part time pay I wasn't eligible for any type of help. So I could use a Dallas address and go to Parkland, but that is so scary to me. I've never had to do this. Now that I NEED, medical attention it is almost impossible to find without moving to a different county?

Cancer is just one of the things that is very prominent in my families genes and I know I have to go but could we not make it possible so that people like me could go to our regular doctor without it costing me out the kazoo??? Sigh, so here goes my journey in finding out what is wrong with me.

I hate looking up symptoms because it will scare you out of your ever loving mind.

So, I will head out to my regular doc who hopefully can give me options. I can only hope.

Been Awhile!!

So it's been awhile since I've taken time to write. Lots of reasons and there have been a few days I was just totally messed up and just couldn't do it. But here I am, I never go away for long.

I've had a few really bad months and even worse last few weeks. The last week has been different. I went last weekend to Houston to hear my "little brother" Tim preach. I will tell you right now the freedom to worship is there. I had a great time, he didn't even get to preach but I left so uplifted by the service they had. We heard several testimonies that night of God working in situations that there was no way. God made a way!!! I stored away things I saw there in my memories. It had been so long since I was in a service where the spirit of God just flowed freely, there was no schedule, no "we need to get to the next thing". Just an awesome spirit of God. I drank freely because I was so parched!!! It was like home. Honestly, I felt so free, so hungry for that unfettered anointing I felt. The service started and I looked over at my Mom and just mouthed it has that "I'm home feeling". She agreed. I can't explain it, it was familiar and I have visited one other time as a child so it's not I just knew the people. It just had that feeling and I couldn't help but worship and praise with my whole heart. Most of the service I had tears streaming down my face. I didn't feel worried about if I was doing something right or wrong, I just knew I had a freedom to just worship in my own way. I'm shy and I am not one to make myself at home in a strange church. But I felt at home there. I had a conversation with a relative that I have much respect for and he had attended a church in the DFW area for a short period and he made the statment that his spirit connected with that churches spirit. It just wasn't the will of God for that time. That is my experience it was a connection that was familiar in a spiritual sense. It's not because I'm spiritual, LOL, truth be told I'm probably more confused in this stage of my life than I have ever been before. Strange?? Maybe not. 1 received the Holy Ghost and everyone went home changed, our burdens of life lifted

Then Wednesday I heard that Bro Riggen (who I've known all my life) would be in Tyler preaching so I packed an overnight bag and went to visit Teresa, Jimmy & Katie and went to church 3 miles from their house. He preached a message that spoke straight to my heart. I found myself on my knees talking to a God that a week before I was struggling with if he even cared. Bro. Riggin preached on Friend or Foe. Judas and Peter. How God called Peter Satan and Judas friend. Peter had the KEYS to the kingdom and he rebuked him and called him satan. But Judas who came to the garden and betrayed Jesus with a kiss, God called him friend. He spoke on how Jesus HAD to go to the cross and Judas was a part of that and because of it, he was a friend. Even in the betrayal, he pussed Jesus to the cross and therefore was a friend. But Peter wanted to keep it from happening. He brought it down to our lives and how we go through things that we feel like is killing us but if it's keeping us on our knees, Judas is our friend. Peter is the type that will try to placate you and he becomes your foe. He told the story of a lady in a Pentecostal church that was faithful and endured horrible beatings from her husband for going. If he caught her praying he would severly beat her. It was a really bad situation. The day came when her husband died and everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Problem was 3 years later she died lost, backslidden, away from God. His point was her husband was her Judas it was what kept her on her knees. 1 backslider prayed back through

Then Friday night, our cousins called and were going to preaching for a small church in Midlothian, which is about 15 minutes from our house. We had church. There is probably about 20-30 people in the church and the spirit of God was there!!! I forgot about little churches and so we all had to testify. They had a full house. Bro. Daniels preached on having babies in the church. It was a very good message. I think they had 1 get the Holy Ghost. Pretty sure everyone there was renewed.

I've really been thinking and praying about God's will for my life. I'm very restless and searching for a change. I'm not sure what will come of it but I do know God knows where I am and what I need and He will make a way.

Yesterday in church. Bro Pixler preached yesterday morning on the heart and last night Bro. Zorich preached on Asking God. It hit home with me because I'm one that had prayed for so long I just gave up, perhaps I need to renew my requests. LOL.

I gave up everything I've been doing at church. I'm tired, discouraged and need a renewing. Most don't agree with me but in Bro. Riggin's message on of the things he pointed out several times was does it draw us to God or away from God. He said if problems in our life are pulling us away from God we need to think about them and if they are really important to us, because if they cause us to lose out with God it's not our friend it's our foe, it's our Peter. But if it's drawing us to God we need to pray that God gives us strength to go through it because Judas will push to the cross. I'm reprioritizing (I know that is incorrectly spelled, hmmm) the things in my life. I pretty much dumped everything. I know where I have been in God and I'm not even close and I feel a drawing deep inside and I'm not sure what to do. So I figure start back over at square one and begin to draw near to God and let him lead me in the next faze of my life.

It's All About Relationship!!!

So my brother is working on a Bible Study of sorts and I can't wait to get it. We talk everyday and we always get around to what is truth and what is not. We believe it all comes around to relationships. It's our relationship with God, not what we do or do not do, but it is just having a ongoing open relationship with Him.

See for example, in my family there are times, believe it or not, that we don't agree. We don't hate each other and never see one another. No, we begin to work to find common ground on the issue. There are things we do and don't do that are just out of respect for one another.

I am coming to believe that if I just keep a healthy relationship with my FATHER, I will see His ways more clearly. I've been trying so hard to understand it all, I thought I was losing my mind. I was getting more and more confused. I was trying to take people and their beliefs and figure it into mine. The other day it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I have to stop listening to what everyone else thinks and just pray and "seek out my own salvation". Not in that I make it up in my mind, but by studying God's word I find truth in It's pages.

It's amazing the pressure that leaves you when you give it to Him. He doesn't expect me to be perfect. I've lived my whole life stressing over the fact I have to be perfect and that isn't so. He only asks that I follow Him and believe.

Sunday we had a very good 2 services. I enjoyed them so much, the rejoicing and dancing and jumping in the spirit. The Bible says Leap FOR Joy. I believe that!!! I was so full when we left the service, I had a smile on my face and joy in my spirit.

Bad Week

OK, so you KNOW you had a bad week when you write to release your feelings and you are in so much turmoil that you can't get your feelings to come out. I can have any kind of emotion usually and sit down and just start typing and it all just starts pouring out. I get up and walk away knowing I will be OK.

Last week I couldn't even write. How crazy!!

So looking back it was just a really emotional crazy week. So much went down. Came home from vacation and I didn't want too, LOL. Sounds like a little kid, huh. Everything in Winter Park/Granby is perfect. Well the 40 below in winter might be a bit much. I even found apartments up there and got a price on them. I'm serious, I didn't want to come home. I do however, believe in living my life in God's Will. So, I came home and asked Him to find a way to send me back up there. LOL. You think I'm joking? You have NO idea how serious I am about going back, it may be 5 years from now but I would love to move up there.

So drove into Texas and hit the 107 degree heat. I started sweating at the border and I don't know if I have stopped yet. It was horrible, then my a/c quite blowing cold air so we sat in traffic in 107 degree temps. I was so frustrated and a little disgusted that I live in Texas. Now, don't get me wrong Texas is a great state to live in but why oh why can't we have Colorado weather???

So then get home and the house is like a sauna, hot!!! The next day I'm driving to work and I am sitting at a red light nad I hear this AWFUL noise, I wondered if that was MY car. We took off and the noise quit so I thought it must be another vehicle. My car didn't have much power but perhaps I was imagining it. I am related to my Mom the BEST worrier around. Headed after work to pick up my Dad, I start to back out and there was that horrid noise and it was MY car. I stopped jumped out, raised the hood and couldn't figure it out. So took it by my mechanic and he gives me the wonderful news that the compressor bearing is locking up. Then he explains that if I keep driving it it WILL lock up and then the it will overheat, the belt that does EVERYTHING will burn up and break and etc etc all the things that would need to be fixed over just the compressor. I was so discouraged, I went home and when your house is over run where do you go for privacy??? So I just laid on my bed not caring who came in or didn't and just stared turned on a message by Dr. Jeffers and let his words reach deep inside me to the places that hurt. I couldn't stop the tears. I was boo hooing, just quiet tears flowing out from all the hurt inside, the stupid compressor was just the cherry on top. Mom decided to go get her tire fixed (she had a blow out that day also), if she was taking everyone to work and picking us all up PLUS she had to go to stores in Waco (part of her territory for work). Then we went by and spent time with Gavin and Landon, those 2 can lift your spirits!!! Gavin was showing us all his "dance move tricks". I love watching him dance, he is so limber and actually quite a good interpretor of music to dance. Too funny.

Then the next morning we get up jump in Mom's car and I'm driving and we didn't see anythign but something was in the road and YUP, immediate flat!!! Drove very slowly down to where I could turn onto a street we get out (let me stop here to say my Mom carries and ungodly amount of stuff to do with her job IN HER TRUNK. It all has to come out to get to the spare. Then she remembers, the guy who had helped her with her blow out 2 days before had to use his own tire iron because she obviously didn't have one. We are like a mile from home and it's hot as blazes already. I call Bob he brings one down and bless his heart, he changed the tire also!! Get everythign in the trunk, tire in backseat. I look at the spare and ask a simple question, is that low?? LOL, it was so to the gas station for air. Dad says we can't go around on a spare that is losing air so off to a tire shop to buy yet another new tire. So you see how my week went? It is just full of those kinds of moments, that was BEFORE they told me my car would be over $600. LOL. I was past the laughing until I cried, I just laid my head down and cried. Where is the end??? Perhaps there isn't one??

I got home that night and talked to my best friend on the phoen and she shared the same story to me not knowing what I had gone through. The whole week I fought the worst anger I've ever had. I just hated EVERYTHING and ONE. LOL. I'm not real sure what was wrong with me. Funny thing is I talked to so many friends calling about my vacation and they were all the same way. Strange, we decided the moon and stars were out of alignment or something. It was too weird.

I do have good news, the craziness we've had goign on for 4 months comes to an end this week. It's funny because Saturday night I was so crazy, I prayed and told God HE knew what I could handle and I was really starting to doubt because I was really feeling like I was living on the edge, kind of on a emotional teeter totter. I just told him in plain english that I didn't understand, I was trying to have a good attitude until last week and trying to be kind and all but I just needed Him to understand I didn't think I could keep on this open ended situation. I needed it to either END OR give me a set time it would end so I would know. The next morning I found out it will be ending. I was still feeling kind of out of it and numb and was in my jamma's at 10am. But I thought the Devil knows my fragile mind and knows if he can get me seperated for God I will not make it, I'll crash and burn in a heap like you have never seen. I remembered my Dad telling me about 8 years ago to just "go to church, if you don't live it, if you don't get involved just sit there" so Sunday morning I decided that is what I will do, I'm not going to quit. Let the whole world fall around me, I just wasn't sure if this mental or emotional battle could get any worse. I mean I had been sooooo depressed all week.

But yesterday mornings message reached through the fog a bit. Last night message was awesome!!! It's like an awakening. He kept talking about a place in God that is so deep and I know what he is talking about but sometimes it seems like that place will never be felt again. We do go through things for a reason I believe that. I have to wonder why, though??? Will it come to a place that it will end? Then I think about the fact perhaps I'm not to where God wants me? I have a hard time pressing through the fog, could it be the devil is fighting me that hard? If so, why ever for???

I just have to believe that the answers will become clear and perhaps it is about relationship!!

What a week!! This one ranks up there with the worst. I talked to a friend of mine while on vacation. She was giving me info on contacting some people to get involved in singles events.

More Vacation Pics

Rocky Mountain National Park

This lovely lady enjoyed the photo op. LOL. She was posing, I swear. There was a whole herd including little babies all up in the trees, this girl was wondering close to the road. She kept stopping and looking at us. It was hilarious. How cool is this???
Me in snow in my flipflops. LOL. On Milners Point a storm blew in up there and the temp dropped to like 35 degrees. It was freezing, I had on flipflops and no jacket. The weather here is predictable but WOW what extremes and all in one day. It rains everyday here around 5ish. and when it does the temp drops majorly adn then the sun shines again and we hit 65ish. Crazy.

I think I took some very good pics. I am posting a few today and I'll post more as time goes by I'm sure. Have to get them all organized and decide the best ones for printing.

I love the mountains, perhaps God will send me a rancher from Colorado. LOL. I can dream!!

We are having a great time up here. We have most of teh week to go and I don't want to go home. It's so peaceful and quiet and non-stressful, well except when I'm driving corkscrew roads up mountains. LOL>

My Gazebo

This is the view from the gazebo across the valley and up the mountain from us. Hard breathless walk but totally worth it for the view. It gives you that on top of the world feeling.
Here I am sitting in one of the swings they have in the gazebo.

This is the gazebo from the road. LOL. Doesn't look very neat for down there but it was awesome. Not sure what it's for. They are building up the area now. Lots of new homes and condos going in. This also looks over the golf course below.

Chantry's Explanation to me of Gal 3:3

Ok, my brother sent this to me when I wanted to know why his FB status was Gal 3:3. I read it and was curious why that scripture. So he sent me this. I read it and was like WOW, I totally understand. Bro. Pixler has kind of been teaching this and I just wasn't getting it, kind of but not totally. It just clicked when I read this so I ran in the kitchen and read it to Stephanie and she was like WOW, answered some questions she had. So I asked if he minded if I put it on my blog and he said go ahead. So here it is. Maybe it will help someone else.

Ok, rather than try to make something make sense in short form I decided to message you.

We were discussing because of some other issues the method and determination of our salvation. Galatians makes it clear that our salvation is in nothing other than the faith of Jesus Christ. The fact that Christ died for us is too often quoted as "Christ *died* for us" but in fact should be quoted as "Christ died *for* us." The wages of sin is death, we owed the payment and Christs death wasn't just to give us the possibility, but he paid the bill in essence. He died so we dont' have to. Our salvation is guaranteed unless we turn away from Christ because his bank account covered our bill. Once the bill was paid its no longer owed. It didn't cover our specific sins as much as it covers the fact that we are sinners from birth.

Galatians 3:3 is where paul asks the question: If Christ's death and the Holy Spirit are responsible for the beginning of our salvation, who are we to think that anything we do affects it either positively or negatively short of turning away from Christ. We are assured salvation regardless and like a marriage, our failures aren't about divorce from Christ but about our relationship with Him.

For example, I don't take out the trash because Tiffany would divorce me if I didn't. I take the trash out because I value our relationship and want to please her. Likewise she doesn't cook meals to keep me from leaving, she does it because she wants to please me.

A person who turns away from Christ does so because they have had a lack of concern about the relationship until it has gone so far that they no longer care about their "lover" Christ. He doesn't turn away, they do.

So in essence, we live holy because we want to please Him, not because thats what saves us. We are not in fact lost because of what we don't do. I could possibly smoke a cigarette without being lost, but since I understand that it would be damaging my body in disregard to scripture then it would signify a serious relationship issue between myself and Christ and indicate that I was headed away from Christ not towards Him.

Likewise however, if I stopped wearing any color but black, covered my face and only listened to the McGruders I wouldn't be any more saved and in fact if I feel like that is assisting my salvation then I am again headed away from Christ saying that I can do it myself. Our life is about relationship with Christ not about saved or not saved. To say that we are trying our best and have recieved the Holy Ghost but aren't sure we are saved is basically saying that we're not sure that Christ was good enough to cover our sins and we think His "check" might bounce.

Basically the happiest and ideal place for a christian is to say that I am no longer the master of my own ship. I've turned it over to Christ, I take no thought to my salvation other than my relationship to Christ and if I'm on the wrong path then He will direct me. Then if I suceed its Christ, if I fail its Christ.

Does that make any sense and did I ramble too much? :-) That may have been more than you were asking for. lol

Finally in Colorado!!!

I'll put up more tomorrow, well later today. LOL. It's 1am mountain time so for me it's 2am central. I'm falling over exhausted. Wanted to post a couple pics. More to come.

Help Me Believe

I stumbled across this song over the weekend. I have listened to it a million times. Worth the listen. Here are the lyrics.

"I just want to write you a letter. I have to be very honest with you right now. I dont really know how to say this..."

Verse 1:
I wanna believe
But I'm having a hard time seeing past what I see right now,
I see right now

I wanna be free
But when I try to fly I realize I don't know how,
No one showed me how

Wish I could see
That this mess I'm in will really work out for my good,
You said it would
So, if you can hear me,
Can you give me a sign cause I dont feel you like I should,
Please if you could

My faith is almost gone,
I can't hold on much longer,
Take this cup from me

Chorus A:
Help me Believe
Can I believe
Let Me believe
I wanna believe
I'm no good on my own, please
Give me another chance
Its hard to believe
In what I can't see
to give you my will
cause you're whats better for
you can look in my eyes and see
I wanna believe, believe, believe, believe

Verse 2:
(I want you to know)
I wanna believe
if I never hear Im sorry
I can let it go,
gotta let you go
cause, its killing me.
Jesus you know how it feels
cause you've been hurt before,
dont wanna hurt no more
Im trying to hear you speak,
but my heart is growing weaker,
take this cup from me

Chorus B:
Help me Believe
Can I Believe
Let me Believe
I wanna Believe
I've been here before and
can't take that hurt again
Its hard to believe in what I can't see
to give you my will cause you're whats better for
you can look in my eyes and see
I wanna believe, believe, believe, believe

Bridge:
Believe_________
Believe_________

Verse 3:
I wanna believe
when I close my eyes on this side I'll wake up with you,
more in love with you
and, and finally,
you will say my race
it is over and my work is through,
cause I believed in you

I know dark nights will come
and some days there'll be no sunshine
and you're too far to see

Take Two by Karen Kingsbury

I am a huge Karen Kingsbury fan!!! I love everything she writes. I purchased Take Two tonight. Hopefully this weekend I'll be able to find some reading time.

She is now known as the Queen of Christian Fiction. I saw an interview she did with NBC tonight on YouTube and she commented on how she always wanted to write emotional fiction. She wants to write stories people can relate too. This is the reason her stories don't always have a happy ending and sometimes babies die or kids are abused. She writes real life stories. She has Ashley Baxter Blake's baby girl die and she said the letters she got from couples giving her their story and thanking for for writing about such an issue and showign that even through the tragedy and hurt you can still find strength. I'm thinking about rereading her books and using the Study Guide type thing in the back and writing a blog about each one. I enjoy reading books or singing songs that I can relate to in my everyday life.

Books or songs that speak of the hurt, pain or loss and yet also show the triumph after the battle. So I'm a life-long fan. I enjoyed the book she wrote that basically told of her brothers life. Very powerful story. I can't remember the title right now, laying here half asleep.

She said every book is "someones story". Not that each story is based on a certain person, just that each story is real life and someone somewhere will relate to the story and go "that is me". I like the fact she isn't afraid to deal with difficult issues and it makes me think. She has a God given talent.

I Thought It Was All Good

But since at 2am I was told I was "such a very selfish person, the most selfish person I've ever known" I guess it wasn't. Hmmm, that's funny all because I would not give up my bedroom to a guest??? Because I wasn't sleeping on a couch when everyone got home at 1:30am this morning. So I was goaded and awakened over and over. It was my "punishment" I guess. I get so tired of fighting. But today I didn't feel any guilt just a twinge of a feeling that says once again I can't measure up to what my Mom wants me to be. Today it's not guilt it's something different, I would say maybe failure. I had already let her know I would not give up my room, the guest could stay with me but I will never again be giving up my room unless it is my choice. Somtimes I wonder why I have to deal with this over and over and over again. I try to push it away but it doesn't always go so easy. Sigh, I have to wonder again why my life has been like this.

I won't bore you, blog, with the details, just know that at 3am when I was being royally griped out and informed the least I could do was take my Dad to work something inside felt dead. I have offered over and over to take my Dad to work if I needed to. The offer is usually turned down and it doesnt' matter to me. Just let me know so I can get ready earlier because I have to leave 30 min earlier to take him but I don't mind. I have offered several times, but then to be verbally attacked by the phrase "it's the least you can do". You know what? I don't HAVE to do anything! I'm 32 and paying my own way through life.

I looked it up online to see what proper ettiquette is for overnight guests. No where did I see where I am supposed to give up my personal space. That is my private space and no one respects that. Sorry, I'm just a little hurt and angry right now. I can't understand why???

Just Thinking

OK, so I recently arrived at a location where a young person had left a piece of correspondance and some pictures up on a computer. What I saw in the pics confirmed suspicions that I had. Then the letter that had been left up chilled me even more.

I shut it all down and the first thing I did was pray for them. Not a long prayer, just a quick short prayer. I wondered if we as a "christian" community had failed them. I had had conversations with this person concerning their difficult home life. I had seen things that were done or said to this person. I wondered if we had failed to be sensitive enough to reach out or if this is just the way things are.

The emotional rollercoaster that was a letter disturbed me to no end. I really burdens me that we lose so many young people. It's so needless. We think when they begin the stages of rebellion that we can't do anything. I remember as a teenager, a conversation I had with my Pastor at that time concerning one of my closest friends. Her home life stunk and the one bright light in her life was a boyfriend. They were breaking all the rules, it made me mad (I'm a bit of a follow the rules kind of person) so I confronted her and she basically felt like no one cared. That is why I ended up standing at the front of my church confronting my Pastor over the fact no one was stepping in. He felt like there was nothing anyone could do. Today I believe it more than I did then. My friend was looking for someone to love her, truly love her unconditionally.

So I think to this young person that had so much potential. We lost another one and the lifestyle he is testing saddens me because I saw times when people could have responded a bit different and maybe stregthen him instead of tearing him down. I have been in situations with this person that almost pushed me to far. I wonder what those moments do to a teenager?

Just some thoughts... and maybe to remind people we can get up and sing in a perfect way, with a perfect look and with a perfect response, we can bring in the best Sunday School programs, we can look and act so perfect but if we lose our young people? There will be no church of tomorrow. I talked with a lady I look to as a mentor and I expressed this to her and she had to agree to a point. We put such a strong push on our kids and our adults but we are failing our teenagers.

Waiting for Mr. Right???

LOL, this is me in a few years. LOL. A co-worker sent this to me about 7 or 8 years ago. She couldn't believe that I had no boyfriend and wasn't dating. First off there was absolutely NO one to date. LOL. Secondly I really have a strong believe in courtship. I am one of the old fashioned weirdo's that believes you wait until God sends the right one along. However, sometimes it feels like I'm going to be in this exact situation. It's funny how you go for months and you handle it fine and there is something about your birthday and holidays that brings all the pain and hurt associated with being a older single. So this pic was a joke but everyone thought it hilarious, so I framed it and kept in on my desk at work. Then when I went crazy and quit my job in 2003, I think, I brought it home and it has sat somewhere in my room ever since. LOL. Gives me a laugh every time I see it. You know I don't think I'm looking for the perfect man, I am looking for the one God has for me. Sometimes I wonder if my day will come and recently with the things going on in my family, I see how much my family needs me and I wonder if this is my life. Perhaps this is it, my whole life was lived for this time. Ok, I'm running away screaming right now. LOL. Then today I took my Nanny to Midlothian for a MRI and I walked in to the waiting room to find this. LOL. So I quickly took a picture of him and posted it via my phone to Facebook. LOL. I even added a message to the affect that this was my Mr. Right and I was too late. LOL. Everyone got a good laugh.

Sometimes life does seem to have passed by, can you believe next month I'll be 32?? I have to wonder why my time never came. I was going through pictures today and ran across pictures of my friends weddings, I walk in my closet and there hangs all my dresses from those weddings. LOL. Doesn't seem fair does it? But you know there are days when I think it's better this way, perhaps marriage and kids aren't for me. Most days though I wonder if I missed out on "the one". I know what it's like to really love someone and to watch them go away and to always wonder, what if... I know you have to get over things and go on and live life but I think I'll always wonder if I made the right decisions for my life. Did I miss out on the one person? All the jokes and comments I endured because I didn't date around, and for what? To be 32 and single?? To think I didn't have a choice really my parents made sure of that. They did what they thought best for me and I'm living for God today so maybe it was best and perhaps I shouldn't question. I just have to wonder sometimes at what could have been if our choices were different.

I had people tell me just this weekend I ought to get my own place and maybe I should. I can't though, I believe you have to be responsible and I know my parents need me. Tonight Mom was flipping out about the horse and the rabbit having mites, she was explaining how she feels like she can't handle it and just this morning she was helping my Dad to his desk at work because he was to dizzy to do it on his own. I see him get up and fall, when I make jokes about leaving Dad actually tears up and says I can't go right now. I want to run far away and find the life my friends have, try out the whole marriage and kids, so it's not all it's cracked up to be but that gives you a support system that as a single I don't have. They don't understand what it is to day in and day out have to be the strong one and go it alone. So today was a bad day, tomorrow will be better.

Yesterday I actually comtemplated getting rid of all the animals, the stress of them getting ill or having issues and my Mom having a nervous breakdown over it gets to me some. However I go out and sit in the yard because I'm overwhelmed and the world goes by and no one knows, then here comes Rowdy and all the goats, my dogs and cats and they want to be loved and have lots of love to give back, only because they know I'm the hand that feeds them. LOL. They know when their owner is upset and they have their own little ways to jostle me into reality and off my pity party. LOL. I can't get rid of my animals they are seriously my stress relief. I come home, put my things in my room and head outside. I feed and water them and then get the brush and give Rowdy a good going over, combing his mane and tail. It's peaceful, Tonight I sat outside for awhile and Rowdy came up to put his face in my space. LOL. He doesn't understand the whole breathing room thing. LOL. Oreo and Sarah were laying down behind me and Lexi and Prec were fighting to see who would get the most lap room (since they are too big individually) Come inside and there were Laycie and Frostie waiting to give me kisses and remind me that they wanted a rawhide piece. Then there is nothing like going potty with a rabbit as company. LOL. He isn't feelign well so he has been living off and on in my bathroom, in the shower. LOL. However go in there to take care of business and he comes out to see if you need help I guess. LOL.

Well tomorrow I'm going to work for AG again. It's Father's Day and they always need extra help so I do it for extra spending money.

Oh, and vacation. On our way to Colorado we stop in Amarillo to spend the night and we are going to see Texas (outdoor drama in Palo Dura Canyon State Park) the 7 Falls, then we will spend a week in Granby at the resort and Rocky Mountain National Park, if we get bored we are going to drive over to Boulder and tour the Celestial Seasonings Factory and watch tea leaves be made into tea in the bags, if I can work it out we may hit the Dinner Theatre where they are performing Annie right now. I love Annie and "tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll love you tomorrow it's only a day away". LOL. We'll have to see if it works out because I also want to drive up to Wyoming so I can add it to the list of states I've been too. Then headed home we are goign to Pikes Peak, Garden of the Gods and Focus on the Family. That's alot to pack in 10 days but I'm getting excited about it.

Oh and for those that keep up with all my drama, I thought a few weeks ago I had light at the end of the tunnel, but it was only a small, short candle along the way and before I got to it, it had burned out. So I have really been praying God would help in this situation. I have been trying VERY hard to have a good attitude and treat people kindly and not let little kids drive me crazy with the daily reports on how animals are doing WHEN I WAS JUST OUT THERE. LOL. So, looks like after vacation they are going home. I really feel like God is working it out and just in time. LOL, tonight Mom was expressing how she can't handle the stress from Dad and then the animals too. I laughed because I don't feel crazy abotu the animals but I do about people living inside our house. I told my Mom maybe God was letting her feel what I feel> LOL. No, the stress from my Dad being so sick is very hard. He is almost blind, can't drive anymore until he has eye surgery and that may be awhile. But I've already let it be known, this isn't happening anymore.

Well, it's 2am and I'm still wide awake, this is driving me CRAZY, LOL. I hate insomnia and I have to get up so early. **sigh**.

Night all.

Ok if I bathe in highly diluted bleach bath for eczema. Will it hurt my hair? Desperate situations call for drastic treatments. If my hair ends up green do not laugh at me. Know I was willing to take a risk for a cure!!!

Frustrated!!!

OK, the horse is having foot issues. Stepped on something and we got it out but he is still limping pretty good. Hoof guy is coming out tomorrow to clean and trim his hooves, doctor up the hurt foot and wrap it. So hopefully that will get Rowdy on his way to good health.

Ok, we have enough drama without adding to it. Yesterday Bethany found a turtle in the road and brought it home. They fixed it a cage area and put him in it. I thought then, he won't stay. I had the same thing a HUGE turtle and put in the backyard when I was a kid and the next day he was GONE!!!. Sure enough today the turtle is missing everyone is in a tizzy about where he went and how he got away. LOL. I wasn't shocked.

We've lost 2 kittens that the strays had. We think the stray dogs are getting them. What do you do? I endured taking strays the the Humane Society once and was treated like I was a horrible person for bringing them in. I though I was doing the right thing getting the dogs off the street. No, I was treated bad because I felt sorry for the dogs and was petting them. I was so angry at the way the staff acted. They were going on about how the dogs were sick, no they weren't. Oh, I need to stop now before I get mad all over again.

I guess that is life on a farm. You have the good times of happiness and fun, then you have alot of heartache and death. It's making me tougher for sure. Since we moved out here we have lost a cat, now 2 kittens, 2 roosters and a hen. that's quite a lot. Carmello is on her last leg at the age of 21. LOL. Oldest cat I've ever owned. She was born outside but her Momma left her because she had a sticker in her side. So she has lived inside ever since. Very sweet kitty.

Life goes on and on. Life on a farm is still good. LOL. Gotta love all my babies!!!

What a Evening

Ok, so everything was going great until I went to choir practice. Practice was ok but I got a call as we were leaving that my horse was down with hurt legs. So I came flying home to a limping horse. I tried giving him a treat and he wouldn't eat. So I finally got him to let me take a look at his hoof. There was something stuff in it. So after trying and having no luck (he kept biting me) I got Stephanie and Bob to help and right now I'm so sore and stiff from holding a horse up and he still reared and fell. But it looks like we got it out but he is still limping a bit. He is eating now though so that is good. At this moment he is in the back yard laying in the grass. So I'm hoping that whatever was in his hoof is out and after resting for the night he will be back up and going tomorrow. I prayed for him. LOL. I know I'm crazy but I didn't know what else to do. So I hope and pray God will help.

Then Bob and Robert killed a huge snake that was crossing our street. You can go to my facebook profile to see the pics of the snake.

I'm pretty tense right now. My nerves are stretched pretty thin and I'm wired. I am so sore and stiff and exhausted and yet I'm laying here WIDE awake. Life as so many things to worry about. I am laying here giving my worries to the Lord and hoping He will take them for awhile and let me get some sleep.

I'm so ready for vacation. I need a break.

Thankful the Storms are South Now

Whew!!! We just went through a humdinger of a storm. Pea-sized hail, wind strong enough to lay our trees over. I was all grumpy because we got home at almost 7 to discover the a/c had frozen up and the house was HOT & HUMID!!! I went outside and fed the animals because it was cooler out there. LOL. The the storm hit and the lights went out. LOL. So a/c frozen or not we couldn't have it either way. Thankfully the bad parts of the storm are over looks like and the a/c is working again. Thank you Jesus!!!!! LOL, I can not handle heat, I will be down with migraines and the all the next parts that is not lovely. So there you have it.

Dad is better, not up to driving and such but he is better. They changed up his meds and he is doing better. He seems to be gaining his strength each day. That is good.

Friday is Chelsea's hearing and I'm really looking forward to being able to be there and see and hear the proceedings myself. I really want to find the truth in all of this. I received a link to a interview for a Idol contestant and so I was on Oprah's website and stumbled across some interviews she had done last year with some guys that had been wrongfully convicted. I'm going to post the links to the articles on my blog where I write about Chelsea. If you want to read my thoughts about Chelsea's case or the links to the articles on Oprah you can visit that site at... http://tannco.blogspot.com/

God is good all the time. Sometimes we just have to remember that. He is always there!!

Dad

Argh, I hate people being sick!!! Dad is so sick right now. He stays pretty sick most of the time but a couple of weeks ago he though he had a ear infection, then he started running fever and chills, dizziness etc. He went to the kidney doctor and she said he will soon be on dialysis. OK, so yeah, yeah, we know that is coming eventually. Then he went to his regular medical doctor and he had a infection in his head because of a bug bite.

Who gets a infection inside their head from a bug bite? Obviously my Dad. So he went on antibiotics with the instructions that if he gets worse he has to go to the ER. He seemed to be getting better until this weekend when he started throwing up. Now it has been day 2. He claims it's meds but we aren't stupid, or maybe we are and are running scared. But when your kidneys aren't working right??? Yeah, we've been there already. It's like a clock chiming the hour, it's here.

I'm thinking Dad is in some major denial and that is fine, but how hardheaded can you be? Argh.

So we have to wait another day to see if not taking his antibiotics makes him feel better. He is giving me half of my gray hairs and my stomache ulcer. LOL. I will sleep much better when he is feeling better. I've decided life never changes it's just one chaotic, uncontrollable crisis after another. LOL. Want a roller coaster ride? Well hop on my family train and we'll show you a "good" time.

What a Lovely Day!!

So I had a good day, well except the getting up at 6am part. Ugh, for choir practice, I almost didn't stay awake during church. LOL. Bro. Conroy preached an awesome message. Then I came home had some chicken from Whataburger and took a 3 hour nap. LOL.

Then headed over to my brothers and he put up the website for the company I work for and then Gavin and I played Super Mario on his Wii. We danced to music and I got to spend some fun time with my gangster niece and Sumo wrestler nephew and my ummm, jumping jack nephew. LOL. Chantry made us all some cinnamon toast and then I had to head home to feed the animals. Stephanie was helping out with it and so after we got that done I grabbed my laptop and went out on the porch. Showed Mom some video clips of the kiddos "dancing". Watch out Paula Abdul, Gavin Conkle is the next dance phenomonon. LOL. He had some, shall we say interesting moves?? LOL.

Then Mom and I talked about Chelsea and Amy and then I chatted with some friends online and just enjoyed the evening, well night. LOL.

It was such nice weather out tonight. I just sat outside with my laptop and enjoyed the darkness and outdoors. It so peaceful the animals are quiet, chickens bedded down, all the goats and horse are just quietly wandering around. The cats/kittens are out in the yard playing but it's all quiet and just tranquil.

So it's been a very good afternoon. Good start to the week.

Anyone with a magic potion for sleep?

So I am having major insomnia problems. NOTHING is making me go to sleep, I thought it was because I was drinking caffiene too late but I guess not, I didn't drinkn any tonight. I felt so sleepy earlier and went on to bed to lay here wide awake. So I got up and figured out how to sync up my phone with the laptop so my tunes are on my phone now. How cool is that. I'm set and ready to go again, I was getting worried because I couldn't figure out how to get my tunes on my phone but finally!!!

Dad is doing a little better. He is still running some temp and the doctor said NOTHING until Monday. He is just taking it easy laying around in his chair. The doctor said the dangerous part is that his infection is in his head close to his brain. Diabetes complicates everything!!! Dad's forhead was swollen, it's the weirdest thing I've ever heard of. A bug bite somehow turned into an infection inside your head. How strange. We are just making Dad be quiet and take it easy and waiting to hear back from his kidney doctor tomorrow.

I'm planning a way into the future vacation for the end of the year. Dad wants to go to Florida so I'm looking into places to stay down in the bottom. Hopefully that will work out. I've never stayed in Florida though I've driven through so many times.

Well, I'm going to see if I can go to sleep. It aggravates me so bad when I can't sleep. Means tomorrow I'll be VERY tired and not feeling good. Argh!!

I Hate Getting Bad News!!!

OK, so it's laugh or cry and we are trying to laugh!!

Today after over a week of trying to fight off a "cold or something" Dad went to the doctor because he is running a very high temp. Seems that a bug probably bit him on his face, not a big deal right??? Wrong, because of his diabetes and low immune system the bit settled into his face and sinuses and have caused a HUGE, basically, infection. Sigh, what next??? He is on bed rest with doctors orders to do NOTHING until Monday when his doctor has given him a release to go back to work. He said if his fever doesn't stay down he has to go to the hospital immediately, this is serious because of his other health issues.

Then today he got a call while he was out from his kidney doctor to call her asap tomorrow, they need to go over his lab results. She is setting him up to start dialysis pretty soon. At that time he will officially become disabled. He will be taking dialysis 3x a week. Our lives will change I'm sure. If he could lose weight and lose a lot of weight he could be a candidate for a kidney transplant.

Life has so many twists and turns. This is a serious thing for us but we also know in my lifetime Dad has faced alot of serious and some life threatening things and God has come through every time so I have to put my faith in Him that He knows what He is doing and we will be okey.

Learning to Stand

I was talking to a friend of mine on the phone yesterday. She is considerably older than me but I count her as one of my dearest friends. She had called to see how I was and just to talk, she begin to talk about some things that had gone on in her immediate family and begin to relay what she had learned through this storm. She told me regarding a situation in my life I needed to pray, not just pray but I needed to begin to rebuke the spirits that invade my home. Her opinion was that the Devil has found a way to disrupt my family and to cause confusion in my life and turmoil and someone has to say "enough is enough" and stand up and begin to pray and push back the spirits of evil. Sounds kind of cheesy but you know what... it made sense to me!!

I try to look from all angles but sometimes it just doesn't make sense. I mean she wants to "save" all these people and we can't save anyone, we can share our faith if they show an interest, but we can't force it on them. I had a moment of guilt recently because I was accused of being the reason so many of our "projects" failed. Some of these people lived with us close to 6 months, then after a couple years disappeared or show up back in jail. It was my "attitude" that forced them to leave our house. Well, if telling someone to help around the house like everyone else and get off their lazy behind pushed them out, so sorry!! If my being upset because you are lying to us or playing games with us causes you to leave and fail. I can't save anyone. God calls people to him and if you are not called, I can't do it. So all that to say I was assured over and over that it's not my fault and only those girls can change their lives with God's help and we can't do it for them.

So that got me to thinking about how my family used to be, my parents always helped people in one way or another, just wasn't always living with us. I remember when we found out a family was having very hard times, we would go to the store and buy double, then we would box it up and "sneak" it up on their porch and run. Or at Christmas when our youth group would get the names of needy families in our church and we would all take a child (or 2) and buy them presents, we would get together and wrap them and "sneak" them to their porches. Do you know how good that feels?? There was never a big scene made about it.

Anyways, last night I was out walking and someone mentioned that their husband was giving them a hard time about why they keep waking up at 5am every morning, she wouldn't tell him but she feels like God is waking her up to pray and she is getting up and doing so. I felt this little prompting in my heart, because I wake up every morning really early, usually I just lay there until I fall back asleep but in this conversation something inside of me nudged my spirit and my telephone conversation came back to me. So with God's help I'm going to try to follow His leading. Since I'm not a "super-spiritual" person that has God always talking to me maybe I've totally jumped track but I want to think that He cares enough to have my friends share their hard times with me so that I can learn His ways and not those of my own.

One of the things shared with me was how a family was having to learn to pray and fight back because they aren't fighting for themselves but the ministries of their children and grandchildren.

I know the Devil uses these people coming into our home as a way to cause division and turmoil in our home emotionally and mentally. I look at how my Dad's health is declining and I wonder what God is thinking. Sometimes you feel like he forgot where you are, but He hasn't. You go through times when you sit in church and you feel so numb and you wonder if perhaps your time is over and life passed you by. I am refusing to listen to the Devils little lies. Do I always overcome them and stand strong? No, most of the time he knocks me down on the ground and stands on me. But it's not how many times I get knocked down, it's how many times I get back up. Plus, God is my "daddy" and he is with me.

I know and I believe that everything we go through has a reason. Sometimes it's years down the road that something happens and while helping someone through it you realize, this is why!!! Those moments make it worth it. Since we are human though, we soon forget it and fall prey to those old feelings and failings.

God knows my past, present and future and He knows me better than I know myself. Every little nugget of faith I regain is taking back everything I've lost and the Devil knows if I ever figure out that if I put my whole trust in God, I am unstoppable.