Being Real Tonight

So I'm not one of those "single & lonely" types so the last few days have been a really weird time for me. This is my blog so if you don't want to see the real me, move on. I am having to deal and work through some things for me and it's really pulled the rug out from under me. I thankfully have my brother to call and talk through things because my mind gets overwhelmed!!!

I have never been one to feel lonely, I've never really used that word alot but the last few days/weeks have been lonely. I work, go home or to church to a function and go home. I've made a couple friends along the way but they aren't all healthy relationships. Some are negative and I struggle to balance with them.

I have begun to realize that my confidence issues and self esteem problems are partially stemming from my weight and the fact I feel like I'm less than and that growing up with "constructive criticism" has only taught me that by being overweight I'm not good enough... "if you could lose weight guys would take notice" "as long as you are large you won't get married" "you have a pretty face but you would be so much prettier if you were smaller" "it's OK to be big you just probably won't ever marry but that is OK". Those things are probably said in passing and never remembered but for me they stab in really deep and I run back to the one thing that never says those things and that is food. Everyone of those comments are usually followed up by pizza or nachos or lasagna. I wish I had the support of those I love the most.

It's funny to really think it all through because the one thing people think I have looking from the outside in is love and yet the 1 think I crave more than anything is love and acceptance and to make people proud of me. Instead I feel like all I do is fail and not live up to expectations because I don't do exactly what others think I should. It's weird because deep inside I've had all these feelings and yet I hid it from everyone because I thought those thoughts were horrible & selfish and made me this horrible horrible person. Those are things I've been told and it affected me.

Then the last few weeks I've been really thinking about my faith and relationship with God. I've been thinking over some things in my spirit and then Sunday night was a moment... No, I didn't have that major breakthrough I need so desperately but 5 people said things to me that went deep and I think opened up some of the secret places in my heart. I called and talked to my brother because he never judges me, tells me I'm crazy, he just uses The Word & experiences and shares that with me. He will be real with me and tell me the things that are hard to accept and then loves me even if it takes me awhile to learn them.

So tonight I sit/lay here and I have tears pouring down my face. It's a weird feeling to me because it's not me, I am not this weak. I don't show my vulnerability to anyone. Yet I lay here not really feeling sad, or depressed yet I'm crying, I feel that lonliness I've never really known in my quest to stay so busy and try to ignore those things that made my "not perfect". In my mind I know I can't be perfect so I gave up even trying. I tucked away all those feelings and dreams and desires away. Now I struggle with trying to figure out how to learn acceptance. Weird, huh? I know, but Sunday night I realized while praying that I have to find healing from pain in my past, hurt from the present and fear of the future and what the outcome will be if I don't allow the control of others to dictate to me who and what i should be. Tonight is a different kind of lonliness I guess, I think Sunday night some of the places I store my hurt and pain opened up and my eyes were opened and now all that hurt is slowly leaking out and I don't know how to deal with that for sure. I've never dealt with stuff I ignore the painful hurts and hope that someday they just wouldn't be there anymore. Instead God is saying it's time to open all those places and let the hurt out. It's scary because I don't know what will happen or what the outcome will be for me. How will I deal? I've been on a journey but God just got more serious and now I look around and the walls I have built up are so tall and thick... I've shielded myself from what I thought was pain and now I realize it was from dealing.

I'm going to try to chill out and get some sleep. Tomorrow night is church and I don't have to be on Praise Team, that means I can hit the prayer room for a few and maybe just maybe God will take me another step. I'm on a journey and all these layers are being peeling back 1 by 1.

The Butterfly

A man found a cocoon for a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through the little hole.

Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and could go no farther. Then the man decided to help the butterfly.
He took a pair of scissors and snipped the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily.

Something was strange. The butterfly had a swollen body and shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.

Neither happened. In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and deformed wings. It was never able to fly.

What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand, was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the small opening of the cocoon are God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life.

If God allowed us to go through all our life without any obstacles, that would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been.

Not only that, we could never fly.

- Unknown


I'm thankful for the trials God has led me through & those He is leading me through and the many more I'm sure He has prepared for me. LOL. I've always been told the hurts in life, the struggles will make you stronger. Reading this I understand. I have to become strong in order to become what I need to become. The more I go struggle through, I believe the more beautiful I will become. 

I'm Not Sorry...

So, as you browse your social media network and notice that friends are dropping away. Not those that FB randomly decides you aren't friends with anymore. It's those that you know why, because someone else doesn't like the way you chose to live life. At first it always makes me a little sad inside because I know that I would never endanger or share confidential things with those I know don't get along or have issues with one another. I've lived my whole life trying to be that person who you can trust.

Today I went to look at something and noticed a person that just a week ago was connected to me and today, they aren't. I'm sure I know why but I don't regret it. My family has chosen to forgive, put the past behind us and move forward. It just so happens that as God has moved us into the place He wanted us to be we crossed pathes with people who aren't popular by old friends. God knew 13 years ago what the future would hold and who He would place in our lives. People have a variety of reasons and opinions and the funny thing is.. LOL, they are all wrong. My family is involved in a ministry that has placed us in position to help others.

The last few weeks, I have just felt like inside something is just bubbling waiting for that right moment to emerge. I have been pondering what does God have for my future? It seems like daily I feel rejection and it hurts, but I can't have both worlds and I've always tried to make decisions that lead me TO God. So in the past few weeks my family has reached out to others that have had a major hardship. Do we agree with all the details? NO, is it just loyalty of the past? NO, it's because deep inside we know, in prayer God calls us to a place where it's not popular, where friends will turn their backs and walk away, people will judge and criticize but I can say I love them, I love every person who has ever impacted my life in any way. I think on the memories I have and I can smile and laugh and see where who I am today is because of the hardships of the past. I've come through battles that others may never face and the pain and wounds and scars it brought to my heart and soul... The scars will never go away. However, (or as we have heard in conference this weekend) YET, I will still praise Him. I don't understand the pain, I don't understand the hurt, I don't understand the loneliness of friends walking away, I ask God Why? I think somewhere inside of me I can hear Him speaking that it's The Calling... That feeling inside that is pulling me, calling me to something deeper, something stronger that ever before. I have to trust the process and reach up and accept the things that fall away are just His plan.

Someday, LOL, they will see me and where God is taking me and it will be so beautiful and so amazing. It will show that those that have tried to hurt me and drag me down were so wrong, they were just part of my "cocoon".

A few weeks ago my brother felt led to write and send me a email and he didn't know that he spoke so much encouragement into my spirit because it was just a confirmation from God that it's all goign to be worth it. God has something for me.

Then in our Singles SS class a couple weeks ago we talked about the caterpillar and the cocoon and the butterfly. The caterpillar has to struggle and fight to escape the cocoon and become that beautiful butterfly that can fly and survive. If he doesn't struggle the butterfly won't be able to fly. I went home that afternoon and one of the first tweets I read was about the cocoon and the butterfly, at work... guess what? The caterpiller, cocoon and butterfly. I know inside, I'm that caterpillar, I'm fighting and struggling to survive, but someday I am going to emerge as a beautiful butterfly and those that walked away and hurt me will shake their heads in wonder at how, did it happen.

That's all for today, just feeling that and hope to try and blog more often for me.