Does The Pain End???

So my heart is broken right now. I'm so confused and want all of this to just go away. Guilt is a funny thing and while it's easy to forgive others, usually, it's so hard to forgive ourselves. This conversation wasn't so hard to have, but the memories are overwhelming and then the guilt comes, but it's no ones fault but mine, I didn't have to let my emotions believe something they would never be able to have. But how do you stop something you don't even realize is happening? There were things but were they really so wrong? If I participated or remained silent and allowed it how do I go back and say it's wrong now? It's all so confusing and the pain doesn't go away maybe it will soon, maybe it will really be over and I can go on with life. Or maybe life will always be this way. Always having guilt, did I make the right decisions? Should I have stayed? What would have happened if I had stayed? I don't think the pain will end, thankfully most days it stays tucked away but it's phone calls like this, when you are interrogated (haha), and people don't believe you are telling the truth and even though you answer questions you always know you are holding on to a part you will never let go, because you can't. Hopefully this was the last call, so I can go back to my normal life and not live in fear of the unknown anymore.

I'm Just Having a Moment

Life is so strange!! You never know what the future is and your scared to let go of the past. It's so hard to figure out life. One moment you want to grasp life and live to the fullest and the next moment you are trying to figure out what life even is.

I had a friend tell me recently that they liked the "pre age 30" Taniss better. This new more outgoing, funny and sarcastic humor Taniss wasn't their favorite. I laughed it off with a what Taniss did you like?

The last 8 or so years, I'm not sure who I am or was. Seems the quiet, shy, go with the flow was more the type. I have really thought this over alot. Why and when did I change so drastically. Some started when; I went through all the "extras" in my life, life and hardships and pain changes you. But I didn't fully understand until this weekend at Girls Night Out.

I went out with a bunch of my friends that are 30+ and single. Rather they are single never married, widowed or divorced. I sat at the end of the table across from the only other one there never married, no children. In our conversation this hilarious, fun, outgoing lady shared with me that she is very shy and the funny person everyone knows her by is a cover. She said as a single in her 40's she deals with the pain of it by being hilarious, making people laugh. That way people think she's OK and will leave her alone.

So I thought about that and we talked alot that night. People say they understand but they can't really know what your going through unless they've been there. I told her my conversation about the changes in me and my attitude. She said could it be that in dealing with this new turn in your life, 30 is big, you do like me and become something your not rather than deal with it?

Hmmm, makes you think.... Oh, and she is probably correct!!!