I can not believe Gavin turned 6 years old today. I remember the day Chantry and Tiffany came over and told me they were expecting. Being an aunt is one of the greatest things in the world. He has kept our world so full of fun and he keeps us laughing.
He is a great big brother to Allyson and Landon. So I hope even though there family is very sick right now. He has a great birthday, he deserves it. He's the bestest 6 year old nephew ever!!!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
More on the Swine Flu!!!
I just got back from taking Bethany to school this morning. Schools were like graveyards. No traffic AT ALL. Word has it as soon as TAKS are over they may shut down through next week. We'll see. The buses were almost empty so Bethany and I decided that perhaps the only kids coming to school were those taking tests. Bethany's friend went home early yesterday because she was experiencing flu symptoms. There were other kids sick also. So I'm sure we'll hear something today. They have been sending home letters getting everyone up to date on their status. It's so crazy. Melanie is very sick and she and Mom were just in Dallas working in "Little Mexico" area at a store. So my Mom is freaking out. That is how my Mom is. I'm not concerned about it too much. I'm going to stay home, just because it is spreading so fast. It's amazing how they are being able to track it down to who gave it to who. LOL.
Last night Walmart was not as busy as usual. LOL. So now not only Cleburne is closed but Ft Worth Schools also. Soooooo, here is a bit of what Mom is getting in her THD/CDC First Responder emails. They are saying to not panic, don't over-react just make sure you wash your hands ALOT and stay 6 feet away from people in public settings.
My family has thought about it. Half of us are sick with something (I'm not but I'm taking vitamins like there is no tomorrow) so we have made the decision to stay home!!! I have to go out either tonight or tomorrow and get a Wii and Monitor for Gavin's birthday. Can we say spoiled??? Memaw and Grandad are getting him a Wii and a monitor is my gift to him. His whole family will love it but I won't feel guilty about bringing mine home. LOL. I haven't needed it so far but eventually I would and Gavin always asks me if I'm taking it and he gets very happy when I say no. LOL. We were going to take him to dinner and Toys R Us first but because of the Swine Flu we are going to play it safest and postpone our trip.
Sudden onset Swine flu symptoms; How serious?
Following are some common and less common Swine flu symptoms as well as signs of serious Swine flu complications that require immediate medical attention.
More common Swine flu symptoms
General influenza symptoms including:
Fever, cough, sore throat, body aches, headache, chills, and fatigue,
Diarrhea and vomiting has been associated with Swine flu
Serious Swine flu symptoms
In children emergency warning signs that need urgent medical attention include:
* Fast breathing or trouble breathing
* Bluish skin color
* Not drinking enough fluids
* Not waking up or not interacting
* Being so irritable that the child does not want to be held
* Flu-like symptoms improve but then return with fever and worse cough
* Fever with a rash
In adults, emergency warning signs that need urgent medical attention include:
* Difficulty breathing or shortness of breath
* Pain or pressure in the chest or abdomen
* Sudden dizziness
* Confusion
* Severe or persistent vomiting
Pneumonia and respiratory failure have been associated with Swine flu as have other complications.
Last night Walmart was not as busy as usual. LOL. So now not only Cleburne is closed but Ft Worth Schools also. Soooooo, here is a bit of what Mom is getting in her THD/CDC First Responder emails. They are saying to not panic, don't over-react just make sure you wash your hands ALOT and stay 6 feet away from people in public settings.
My family has thought about it. Half of us are sick with something (I'm not but I'm taking vitamins like there is no tomorrow) so we have made the decision to stay home!!! I have to go out either tonight or tomorrow and get a Wii and Monitor for Gavin's birthday. Can we say spoiled??? Memaw and Grandad are getting him a Wii and a monitor is my gift to him. His whole family will love it but I won't feel guilty about bringing mine home. LOL. I haven't needed it so far but eventually I would and Gavin always asks me if I'm taking it and he gets very happy when I say no. LOL. We were going to take him to dinner and Toys R Us first but because of the Swine Flu we are going to play it safest and postpone our trip.
Sudden onset Swine flu symptoms; How serious?
Following are some common and less common Swine flu symptoms as well as signs of serious Swine flu complications that require immediate medical attention.
More common Swine flu symptoms
General influenza symptoms including:
Fever, cough, sore throat, body aches, headache, chills, and fatigue,
Diarrhea and vomiting has been associated with Swine flu
Serious Swine flu symptoms
In children emergency warning signs that need urgent medical attention include:
* Fast breathing or trouble breathing
* Bluish skin color
* Not drinking enough fluids
* Not waking up or not interacting
* Being so irritable that the child does not want to be held
* Flu-like symptoms improve but then return with fever and worse cough
* Fever with a rash
In adults, emergency warning signs that need urgent medical attention include:
* Difficulty breathing or shortness of breath
* Pain or pressure in the chest or abdomen
* Sudden dizziness
* Confusion
* Severe or persistent vomiting
Pneumonia and respiratory failure have been associated with Swine flu as have other complications.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Swine Flu
YUCK!!! LOL, it just sounds gross.
Well, since it's ALL over the radio this morning I figured I would put in my 2 cents worth. It's hilarious to me that it is like SHOCKER, we need to stay home if we are sick AND wash our hands. HELLO!!! Do you know if we did these things we would probably all stay well alot more of the time. It has always been a bit of a pet peeve for me, I guess, people that bring their kids out in public when it is very obvious just looking at them that they are VERY sick. Do you know how infectious their coughs and drool is???
I worked for a dentist office in my teens, other than our family restuarant it was my first real job and I enjoyed it. I didn't care for having to sterilize instrutments, because you accidentally get poked we had vaccinations we had to take. OUCH!!! But I enjoyed the rest of it. However one of the training classes we went too did a black light germ project. With some kind of black light and I think they sprayed something, can't remember for sure. Regardless, just us sitting there breathing was sending our "germs" all over the room, someone coughed and GROSS!!! Yeah it was a good sized room and we all got to see their germs up close and personal. They were stressing the importance of always gloving and masking up, when HIV was present to double or triple for our protection.
So as we gear up for the Swine flu I have to wonder if people will be too stubborn to be careful. Wash your hands, use hand sanitizer, walk away from people who are coughing. It could be allergies but what if it's not??? If I don't get sick I will thank you all. LOL. If I do I will hunt down the one who got me sick. LOL. We have so many illnesses now that are very contagious and those of us with weak immune systems pick up everything. I can't imagine what a flu like this would do to someone like my Dad.
It stinks I was wanting to take a vacation to Bandera soon but I might wait until the Swine flu fades and then go. My understanding is it's like 40 minutes from San Antonio.
~~~~~EDIT~~~~~
Chantry was trying out a chat online to see what is up with it and was linked to someone in China that was asking about the Swine Flu. LOL. It's in their papers that we intentionally caused this in Mexico so that it would come into our country and kill off our unemployed. LOL, I'm a little confused as to how this would only kill unemployed people. Smart Flu. Sorry it's too funny.
~~~~~EDIT~~~~~
LOL, this whole Swine Flu is serious I know but it's cracking me up how serious it is. **sidenote: I'm the person that laughs when you hurt yourself, I can't help it, scare me and I crack up laughing** Mom just called me and she had missed a call and it went to her voicemail. It was from a health care group and it was an automated message about **drum roll please** the Swine Flu, telling you what it is, where it came from and the precautions everyone needs to be taking. Europe is telling people to stop travel into the USA and Mexico. If I get it I'm not going to find it so funny, but it amazes me... I'm sure there will be more to come soon.
Well we figured out why Mom keeps getting this overload of Swine Flu info. It's because she is a volunteer for the Texas Dept of Health or something like that. If you ever watch the training video they use to help with diaster training, watch for my Mom and my Aunt Susan. LOL. They got to get all fixed up to look injured and were a part of the video shoot. So between the TDofH and CDC and Red Cross we are well informed concerning the Swine Flu. LOL. It probably is bad but it just seems like such overkill to me. The emails we are getting are full of terrifying things that I'm not seeing yet. So I guess if we keep being careful, hopefully we will all be OK, if not STAY HOME!!!!! Please!!!!!
Well, since it's ALL over the radio this morning I figured I would put in my 2 cents worth. It's hilarious to me that it is like SHOCKER, we need to stay home if we are sick AND wash our hands. HELLO!!! Do you know if we did these things we would probably all stay well alot more of the time. It has always been a bit of a pet peeve for me, I guess, people that bring their kids out in public when it is very obvious just looking at them that they are VERY sick. Do you know how infectious their coughs and drool is???
I worked for a dentist office in my teens, other than our family restuarant it was my first real job and I enjoyed it. I didn't care for having to sterilize instrutments, because you accidentally get poked we had vaccinations we had to take. OUCH!!! But I enjoyed the rest of it. However one of the training classes we went too did a black light germ project. With some kind of black light and I think they sprayed something, can't remember for sure. Regardless, just us sitting there breathing was sending our "germs" all over the room, someone coughed and GROSS!!! Yeah it was a good sized room and we all got to see their germs up close and personal. They were stressing the importance of always gloving and masking up, when HIV was present to double or triple for our protection.
So as we gear up for the Swine flu I have to wonder if people will be too stubborn to be careful. Wash your hands, use hand sanitizer, walk away from people who are coughing. It could be allergies but what if it's not??? If I don't get sick I will thank you all. LOL. If I do I will hunt down the one who got me sick. LOL. We have so many illnesses now that are very contagious and those of us with weak immune systems pick up everything. I can't imagine what a flu like this would do to someone like my Dad.
It stinks I was wanting to take a vacation to Bandera soon but I might wait until the Swine flu fades and then go. My understanding is it's like 40 minutes from San Antonio.
~~~~~EDIT~~~~~
Chantry was trying out a chat online to see what is up with it and was linked to someone in China that was asking about the Swine Flu. LOL. It's in their papers that we intentionally caused this in Mexico so that it would come into our country and kill off our unemployed. LOL, I'm a little confused as to how this would only kill unemployed people. Smart Flu. Sorry it's too funny.
~~~~~EDIT~~~~~
LOL, this whole Swine Flu is serious I know but it's cracking me up how serious it is. **sidenote: I'm the person that laughs when you hurt yourself, I can't help it, scare me and I crack up laughing** Mom just called me and she had missed a call and it went to her voicemail. It was from a health care group and it was an automated message about **drum roll please** the Swine Flu, telling you what it is, where it came from and the precautions everyone needs to be taking. Europe is telling people to stop travel into the USA and Mexico. If I get it I'm not going to find it so funny, but it amazes me... I'm sure there will be more to come soon.
Well we figured out why Mom keeps getting this overload of Swine Flu info. It's because she is a volunteer for the Texas Dept of Health or something like that. If you ever watch the training video they use to help with diaster training, watch for my Mom and my Aunt Susan. LOL. They got to get all fixed up to look injured and were a part of the video shoot. So between the TDofH and CDC and Red Cross we are well informed concerning the Swine Flu. LOL. It probably is bad but it just seems like such overkill to me. The emails we are getting are full of terrifying things that I'm not seeing yet. So I guess if we keep being careful, hopefully we will all be OK, if not STAY HOME!!!!! Please!!!!!
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Proud To Be a Born and Raised TEXAN!!!
Have you ever looked at a map of the world? Look at Texas with me just for a second. That picture, with the Panhandle and the Gulf Coast , and the Red River and the Rio Grande is as much a part of you as anything ever will be. As soon as anyone anywhere in the world looks at it they know what it is. It's Texas . Pick any kid off the street in Japan and draw him a picture of Texas in the dirt and he'll know what it is. What happens if I show you a picture of any other state? You might get it maybe after a second or two, but who else would? And even if you do, does it ever stir any feelings in you?
In every man, woman and child on this planet, there is a person who wishes just once he could be a real live Texan and get up on a horse or ride off in a pickup. There is a little bit of Texas in everyone.
John Wayne paid to do the movie himself . That is the Spirit of Texas .
In every man, woman and child on this planet, there is a person who wishes just once he could be a real live Texan and get up on a horse or ride off in a pickup. There is a little bit of Texas in everyone.
Texas is the Alamo . Texas is 183 men standing in a church, facing thousands of Mexican nationals, fighting for freedom, who had the chance to walk out and save themselves, but stayed instead to fight and die for the cause of freedom.
John Wayne paid to do the movie himself . That is the Spirit of Texas .
Texas is Sam Houston capturing Antonio Lopez de Santa Ana at San Jacinto .
Texas is huge forests of Piney Woods like the Davy Crockett and Sam Houston National Forests .
Texas is breathtaking mountains in the Big Bend .
Texas is the unparalleled beauty of bluebonnet fields in the Texas Hill Country.
Texas is floating the rivers of the Hill Country on a hot summer day.
Texas is the beautiful, warm beaches of the Gulf Coast of South Texas.
Texas is beaches you can drive on and have many memorable bon-fires with close friends.
Texas is that warm feeling you get when someone asks where you're from.
Texas is beaches you can drive on and have many memorable bon-fires with close friends.
Texas is that warm feeling you get when someone asks where you're from.
Texas is the shiny skyscrapers in Houston and Dallas.
Texas is world record bass from places like Lake Fork .
Texas is Mexican foods like nowhere else, not even Mexico .
Texas is chicken fried steak and world famous Bar-B-Q.
Texas is the Fort Worth Stockyards, Bass Hall, the Ballpark in Arlington and the Astrodome. (guess now the Reliant Stadium too)..
Texas is chicken fried steak and world famous Bar-B-Q.
Texas is the Fort Worth Stockyards, Bass Hall, the Ballpark in Arlington and the Astrodome. (guess now the Reliant Stadium too)..
Texas is larger-than-life legends like Michael DeBakey, Ann Richards, Denton Cooley, Willie Nelson, Buddy Holly, Gene Autry, Audie Murphy, Tommy Lee Jones, Waylon Jennings, Farrah Fawcet, Janis Joplin, Sandra Bullock, Kris Kristofferson, Tom Landry, Eva Longoria, Darrell Royal, ZZ Top, Eric Dickerson, Earl Campbell, Nolan Ryan, Sam Rayburn, Howard Hughes, George H. Bush, George W. Bush, Lyndon B. Johnson, and let's not forget GEORGE STRAIT- PANTERA, the Big Bopper, Tex Ritter, George Jones, Clay Walker, Mark Chestnut,Frank Hotz, Sandi Taylor to name ONLY a few.
Texas is great companies like Dell Computer, Texas Instruments, EDS and Compaq, Whataburger, Southwest Airlines, Bell Helicopter and LOCKHEED MARTIN AEROSPACE, Home of the F-16 Jet Fighter and the JSF Fighter, Valero.
Texas is NASA. Texas is huge herds of cattle, beautiful horses and miles of crops.
Texas is home to the world famous King Ranch.
Texas is home to the world famous King Ranch.
Texas is home to the most amazing sunsets of gold over an empty field.
Texas is hundreds of deer running around neighborhoods and fields.
Texas is skies blackened with doves and fields full of deer.
Texas is a place where towns and cities shut down to watch the local high school football game on Friday nights and for the Cowboys on Monday Night Football, and for the night In Old San Antonio River Parade in San Antonio.
To drive across Texas is to drive 1/3 the way across the United States .Texas is ocean beaches, deserts, lakes and rivers, mountains and prairies, and modern cities.
If it isn't already in Texas , you probably don't need it.
No one does anything bigger or better than it's done in Texas .
By federal law, Texas is the only state in the U...S. That can fly its flag at the same height as the U.S. Flag. Think about that for a second. You fly the Stars and Stripes at 20 feet in Maryland, California , or Maine, and your state flag, whatever it is, goes at 17 feet. You fly the Stars and Stripes in front of Klein Oak High or anyplace else at 20 feet, the Lone Star flies at the same height - 20 feet. Do you know why? Because it is the only state that was a Republic before it became a state.
Also, being a Texan is as high as being an American down here. Our capitol is the only one in the country that is taller than the capitol building in Washington , D.C. And we can divide our state into five states at any time if we wanted to!We can become a republic again at any time the voters of Texas choose, and we included these things as part of the deal when we came on. That's the best part, right there.
Texas even has its own power grid!! And don't even lie to yourself... Did I mention Live music capitol of the world?
If you are a REAL TEXAN, you won't even need to be told to pass this on.
GOD BLESS TEXAS !
GOD BLESS TEXAS !
Friday, April 24, 2009
Can Life Just Flip-Flop???
OK, about 3 or 4 weeks ago I like hit a big time low. It was a very weird emotional time and several areas of my life were going heywire. I didn't know if I was going to pull it all back together but just when I was ready to hang it all up, God came through and showed me that it's going to be OK.
It's kind of strange but most stuff changed and those that didn't will eventually and I've learned a little more.
Chantry and I are working on coming up with a "corporate" idea for my Mom's "ministry". She loves to help anyone and everyone and there is no rhyme nor reason, no accountablity for those she helps and nothing is required of them and they don't do squat, most of the time. So because this affects the whole family and since Mom is going to do it even it tears our family apart, I figure why not set it up so everyone knows what is expected and how long they can stay. So Mom isn't coming to me saying this lady needs a place to stay for about 3 weeks and 7 weeks later they are still there and Mom's planning vacations 2 months into the future with them. So, from now on there will be a "business" plan. So there is a beginning and a end in site.
In all of it this time around, I've learned to stand up for myself and hide my food better. Nothing more irritating than going to eat something you just bought and it is GONE. So much to my dismay I'm a food hoarder in my room. LOL. I'm in the market for a small fridge. I can now come and go from our utility room (side door that my bathroom leads too) so it's like I am in my own little world.
I have had a "revelation" in the last week. I have had such a hard time with all the changes and differences in the churches I've attended. However after last weekend, I'm here to stay I even prayed and asked God to please not make me move, not even to get married, bring him here. LOL. I'm serious too. I realized how good I have it and how legalistic alot of churches are. I enjoy my freedom and I enjoy serving a God of mercy, grace and love. It really hit me this week, I don't want that life I had full of rules and regulations and punishments. I was always scared that God was looming over me waiting to flick me into Hell for my bad deeds and I've learned God isn't like that.
I appreciate my Pastor and I even told him so. LOL. I also asked that he not change. I believe God is calling us to a place of balance. We get so caught up in our standards (I used to be the same way) and we get an attitude because we have more "holiness" than others. Problem is to be most spiritual we have to always be a step ahead of everyone in coming up with new standards and we lose sight of the fact it's all about God. Is he really so concerned with piddly things? I mean we can get so finicky about everything that we begin to look down on others because they listen to morally good secular music and we ONLY listen to hymns. That is a stupid example but you get my drift. We get so concerned with the details. It has just really dawned on me in the last week that I am so thankful for a Pastor who teaches the Word and only what is in the Word. He doesn't take away from it and he doesn't add to it. After that we have to pray and seek God for his direction and will in our lives. I really like it, I just wish some of my friends could see the awesomeness of this life. There isn't alot of pressure and fear.
God is our Father so that means He is the ULTIMATE DAD!!! My Dad was always pretty cool growing up but God is my Dad billions of times over. I can remember one time I lied to my Dad I had spilt shampoo on the floor and when he asked me if I did it I said no. LOL, I was the only one in the house with wet hair, who else could it have been? I was so stupid at 10. So I got in some big trouble for lying but Dad didn't kick me out of the house or put me on eternal restrictions. He gave me a spanking and life went on. So using a real human Dad as a example, God isn't going to cut me off for a mistake. He is more aware than anyone that I am human and will make mistakes. He just disciplines me and puts me back on my feet and he probably shakes his head and turns to an angel and asks "Will she ever learn?". The angel looks back and says "I don't know about that one". LOL. He loves me more than anyone else could ever begin to love me and that is an awesome thought.
I'm sure I'll be posting more in the future about this but for now I'm exhausted and I'm goign to lala land.
It's kind of strange but most stuff changed and those that didn't will eventually and I've learned a little more.
Chantry and I are working on coming up with a "corporate" idea for my Mom's "ministry". She loves to help anyone and everyone and there is no rhyme nor reason, no accountablity for those she helps and nothing is required of them and they don't do squat, most of the time. So because this affects the whole family and since Mom is going to do it even it tears our family apart, I figure why not set it up so everyone knows what is expected and how long they can stay. So Mom isn't coming to me saying this lady needs a place to stay for about 3 weeks and 7 weeks later they are still there and Mom's planning vacations 2 months into the future with them. So, from now on there will be a "business" plan. So there is a beginning and a end in site.
In all of it this time around, I've learned to stand up for myself and hide my food better. Nothing more irritating than going to eat something you just bought and it is GONE. So much to my dismay I'm a food hoarder in my room. LOL. I'm in the market for a small fridge. I can now come and go from our utility room (side door that my bathroom leads too) so it's like I am in my own little world.
I have had a "revelation" in the last week. I have had such a hard time with all the changes and differences in the churches I've attended. However after last weekend, I'm here to stay I even prayed and asked God to please not make me move, not even to get married, bring him here. LOL. I'm serious too. I realized how good I have it and how legalistic alot of churches are. I enjoy my freedom and I enjoy serving a God of mercy, grace and love. It really hit me this week, I don't want that life I had full of rules and regulations and punishments. I was always scared that God was looming over me waiting to flick me into Hell for my bad deeds and I've learned God isn't like that.
I appreciate my Pastor and I even told him so. LOL. I also asked that he not change. I believe God is calling us to a place of balance. We get so caught up in our standards (I used to be the same way) and we get an attitude because we have more "holiness" than others. Problem is to be most spiritual we have to always be a step ahead of everyone in coming up with new standards and we lose sight of the fact it's all about God. Is he really so concerned with piddly things? I mean we can get so finicky about everything that we begin to look down on others because they listen to morally good secular music and we ONLY listen to hymns. That is a stupid example but you get my drift. We get so concerned with the details. It has just really dawned on me in the last week that I am so thankful for a Pastor who teaches the Word and only what is in the Word. He doesn't take away from it and he doesn't add to it. After that we have to pray and seek God for his direction and will in our lives. I really like it, I just wish some of my friends could see the awesomeness of this life. There isn't alot of pressure and fear.
God is our Father so that means He is the ULTIMATE DAD!!! My Dad was always pretty cool growing up but God is my Dad billions of times over. I can remember one time I lied to my Dad I had spilt shampoo on the floor and when he asked me if I did it I said no. LOL, I was the only one in the house with wet hair, who else could it have been? I was so stupid at 10. So I got in some big trouble for lying but Dad didn't kick me out of the house or put me on eternal restrictions. He gave me a spanking and life went on. So using a real human Dad as a example, God isn't going to cut me off for a mistake. He is more aware than anyone that I am human and will make mistakes. He just disciplines me and puts me back on my feet and he probably shakes his head and turns to an angel and asks "Will she ever learn?". The angel looks back and says "I don't know about that one". LOL. He loves me more than anyone else could ever begin to love me and that is an awesome thought.
I'm sure I'll be posting more in the future about this but for now I'm exhausted and I'm goign to lala land.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Update on Farm Life
LOL, I need to post pics of Little Roo, he is too cute, well except for the fungal infection on his beak. That is sad but I've not been able to find out what to do yet. Until then he gets a bucket of food to eat out of. The other birds are quite perturbed that they don't. Haha. Big Roo has really taken Little Roo under his wing. They came with a hen and Blondie is the hen I had put down, very sad. So now I'm having to fight to keep Little Roo on his feet. I love farm life and all my babies but DO NOT think it's easy. WOW, I have a family it just all live outside. LOL
Today Henni Penni (hen) and my white guinea got INTO it throught the fence. How stupid??? Over HP putting her head through the fence to get some seed. Now I do understand because HP has plenty of feed all over the yard and she is stealing from the guineas. LOL. I tried to break them up and NOPE, I was not successful. So Rowdy stepped into the fight, quite literally and they scattered. LOL. Rowdy-Mator is my man!!! LOL. Lucy the goose is slowly losing her place as Queen of the yard.
Rowdy has his own barn that Lucy has kind of taken over. The goats sleep in 2 of their 3 houses so Rowdy took their extra house. LOL. Next big project out there is building a real goat barn so they have feeding stalls. They argue while they eat and play musical feed buckets. The one who gets the most feed is whoever is more aggressive that day. It's not going to be such a big deal because my aunt Brenda is going to take Tiny Tim and she kind of wants Molly B and of course we said yes, Our goats are from Brenda. So we asked if she would also take Yuletide because she is so attached to Molly B (her mommy) and she isn't so fond of people. I don't think she would adjust well being apart. So that will leave me with Baby Sara Jayne, Oreo and Lexington Noel. That would be a good mix PLUS Rowdy likes Oreo, they are the best of friends. LOL.
I'm Officially In LOVE!!!
Ok, I've fallen in love with a car. LOL. See I bought my Altima and it was PERFECT and still is BUT everyone knows you don't keep a car forever. So my next car will be a Altima Coupe!!! By the time my car is paid off the Coupe's will be cheaper than they are right now. Sigh, oh to be rich and have 2 cars. LOL. I could keep my baby and get her a friend!!! And see it was the Lord that brought the Coupe to my attention. I got an email asking if I would like to order a brochure on new Altima's, of course I did. Maydean would last forever...
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Maybe It's Because I'm NOT A Parent?
OK, so perhaps because I'm not a parent I see things in a different light? I have seen child abuse!!! I know there is sometimes a fine line in that area because of people's differences in to spank or not to spank, etc. My parents believed in the "spare the rod spoil the child". LOL. I had my share of a good spanking and I'm alive to tell it. On the other hand, I have seen extreme child abuse be justified by the same scripture.
I have seen children that never received a spanking but were givin time out. I had my of being grounded from my books or music. I am not against discipline in children, BUT, and notice that is a BIG but.
Where on the scale of discipline/abuse is locking a four year old in a room all day? For playing in the mud when they were told not too? No toys only books. The lock was on the OUTSIDE of the bedroom door and the kids were placed in the room as "time out" for hours. They scream, cry, beg for their parents to come, bang on the door, etc. It was very disturbing to me on so many levels. Personally I believe it is a form of emotional abuse, then the child is called a jerk and treated terribly because he is out of control. After workign with him for 4 days he is so hungry for attention and to be controlled. It breaks my heart because from the outside in I could view the fact that the parents didn't know what to do and had no control so they ignore it.
Remember kids will be kids and stop abuse!!! Please, the child didn't ask their parents to conceive and give birth to them, so don't take out your frustrations and anger on a helpless child. That child ONLY KNOWS what YOU have taught them. If they act out they are learning from their parents how to act. I frustrates me to no end to see a child receive discipline for their behavior and watch the parent exhibit the same behavior they chastise their kids for.
Remember those little eyes are watching you and if you show alot of anger and disrespect so will they. Their biggest examples live with them day in and day out!!!!
So don't blame your kids misbehavior on others, take responsibility and grow up. They need you to show them the godly way to live and act and you can't expect them to be something you aren't showing them.
I have seen children that never received a spanking but were givin time out. I had my of being grounded from my books or music. I am not against discipline in children, BUT, and notice that is a BIG but.
Where on the scale of discipline/abuse is locking a four year old in a room all day? For playing in the mud when they were told not too? No toys only books. The lock was on the OUTSIDE of the bedroom door and the kids were placed in the room as "time out" for hours. They scream, cry, beg for their parents to come, bang on the door, etc. It was very disturbing to me on so many levels. Personally I believe it is a form of emotional abuse, then the child is called a jerk and treated terribly because he is out of control. After workign with him for 4 days he is so hungry for attention and to be controlled. It breaks my heart because from the outside in I could view the fact that the parents didn't know what to do and had no control so they ignore it.
Remember kids will be kids and stop abuse!!! Please, the child didn't ask their parents to conceive and give birth to them, so don't take out your frustrations and anger on a helpless child. That child ONLY KNOWS what YOU have taught them. If they act out they are learning from their parents how to act. I frustrates me to no end to see a child receive discipline for their behavior and watch the parent exhibit the same behavior they chastise their kids for.
Remember those little eyes are watching you and if you show alot of anger and disrespect so will they. Their biggest examples live with them day in and day out!!!!
So don't blame your kids misbehavior on others, take responsibility and grow up. They need you to show them the godly way to live and act and you can't expect them to be something you aren't showing them.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Disturbed about "Religion"
I'm very disturbed by an experience I had with a church this weekend, I was out of town and attended a prayer service and a church service both left me feeling very empty and extremely sad.
You can't fault their holiness on the outward appearance. They are very much far extreme in that area of standards. The part that disturbed me was their "production/show" in their prayers and services. I'm still not sure if they want visitors that are not believers. I heard so many types of "sinners" they do not want. If they are scared of their worship they don't want them because they aren't hungry, if they come only when there is a meal or something special they don't want that kind of people. I sat in shock listening to a minister preach with so much hostility. His comments were so harsh and demanding. I watched people jump, run, shout and totally go crazy but there was NO power there, no emotion other than physical actions. It was so cold and dead. While sitting in their prayer service it hit me that their prayers are so demanding and sound so angry. The God they serve is made out to be a God of judgment and is one that is sending people to Hell. I watched people march and flail their arms not because a touch of the spirit but because they were ordered to do so by their minister because someone made the mistake of falling asleep in prayer service so now everyone must march back and forth and do weird motions and scream angry demands so they don't fall asleep. I totally, obviously, do not agree with their ways and in my opinion I didn't feel God there, instead I felt a oppression and depression. I heard so many things that would "send me to Hell". Such as, jean fabric in the church, regardless of if services were going on or not. No one allowed in jeans!! So many rules but the people were so solemn and unhappy looking. Thinking through it all today on my drive home I was reminded of the Pharisees and how they saw themselves as the perfect christian but God called them vipers and turned his face from them. I don't want to get to a place where I am perfect on the outside but inside I am a hypocrite.
See I sound harsh but 8 years ago that was were I was at, Oh not that exact church but the strict demands from ministry and I thought I was Hell bound and could only hope that God would somehow accidentally get me into Heaven. I was taught if I had done something that I didn't even realize and died right after I would go to Hell if I hadn't repented.
I thank GOD am out of that. I was raised with people constantly asking me why I attended a cult and why did I let someone rule me that way. I was so shocked and angry at those people only to find out years later looking back that is what it really was.
I am thankful for a church and pastor that believes in the mercy and grace of God.
You can't fault their holiness on the outward appearance. They are very much far extreme in that area of standards. The part that disturbed me was their "production/show" in their prayers and services. I'm still not sure if they want visitors that are not believers. I heard so many types of "sinners" they do not want. If they are scared of their worship they don't want them because they aren't hungry, if they come only when there is a meal or something special they don't want that kind of people. I sat in shock listening to a minister preach with so much hostility. His comments were so harsh and demanding. I watched people jump, run, shout and totally go crazy but there was NO power there, no emotion other than physical actions. It was so cold and dead. While sitting in their prayer service it hit me that their prayers are so demanding and sound so angry. The God they serve is made out to be a God of judgment and is one that is sending people to Hell. I watched people march and flail their arms not because a touch of the spirit but because they were ordered to do so by their minister because someone made the mistake of falling asleep in prayer service so now everyone must march back and forth and do weird motions and scream angry demands so they don't fall asleep. I totally, obviously, do not agree with their ways and in my opinion I didn't feel God there, instead I felt a oppression and depression. I heard so many things that would "send me to Hell". Such as, jean fabric in the church, regardless of if services were going on or not. No one allowed in jeans!! So many rules but the people were so solemn and unhappy looking. Thinking through it all today on my drive home I was reminded of the Pharisees and how they saw themselves as the perfect christian but God called them vipers and turned his face from them. I don't want to get to a place where I am perfect on the outside but inside I am a hypocrite.
See I sound harsh but 8 years ago that was were I was at, Oh not that exact church but the strict demands from ministry and I thought I was Hell bound and could only hope that God would somehow accidentally get me into Heaven. I was taught if I had done something that I didn't even realize and died right after I would go to Hell if I hadn't repented.
I thank GOD am out of that. I was raised with people constantly asking me why I attended a cult and why did I let someone rule me that way. I was so shocked and angry at those people only to find out years later looking back that is what it really was.
I am thankful for a church and pastor that believes in the mercy and grace of God.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Kansas with Friends
Well, we had a good time in Kansas, the kids are adorable!!! Marissa is the sweetest little thing. Jacob is too cute, he has eyes that dance with excitment. Then, WOW Jonathan is a whirlwind!!! He is a redhead tried and true. LOL. He is one mischievous little boy. He was on the toilet last night and called to his Mommy for help, it took her a while to get to him. Stephanie was on the couch and had glanced down the hall and SURPRISE, a shiny hiney was climbing OUT FROM UNDER the sink, OK, just thinking it about it has us crying tears again, it was so hilarious. There was "you know what" EVERYWHERE, could you pass me a tissue, Misty screamed a screaching scream when she walked in there that just made me laugh harder.
Jonathan didn't want us to leave. He had been being bad and jokingly Misty said I could take Jonathan home with me. Well, this morning I was packing all my stuff up and he came downstairs and was "keeping me company" (translated being in the way, LOL) he informed us he was going home with us. It took some fancy talking to convince him his Mom was being silly. We had lunch with them and Jonthan sat between me and Stephanie and tried to convince me I could live somewhere that isn't my house. He enjoyed having our attention, I would take him to the store and we bought cookies and ice cream cones. LOL. So yeah, I'm quite popular in his world. LOL.
We went to 2 churches today and they were as different as daylight and dark. One prayed such angry sounding prayers, demanding God do this or that but there was not much spirit there, it felt so empty. I learned alot about how I don't want to be. It was a world different from my church, my church believes in a God of Love, this church was serving a God that must be angry. The comments that were made caused me to cringe, it made me really sad to see people so caught up it that. One such comment was concerning people coming in and being scared of their worship (which would make my Pastor restart his series on worship) their feelings were if the worship scared them they don't belong there and aren't hungry for God. I sat there with so many things running through my head. I didn't realize how much has changed for me in how I view church, worship, music, prayer, etc. We were driving to their outreach prayer service and we were just talking about church and things we've recently done and I had commented on how we have been doing a Celebration Sunday where we take communion on the first Sunday of the month and everyone brings food and we have a time of fellowship after the service and there is no evening service. I was sharing how there are people that normally wouldn't come to a Pentecostal service but will come in order to share the meal with us. I think that is neat because even if they come for the food they still hear the truth during the service. I think it's a great way to encourage people to come out. My friend informed me rather rudely that that is the exact reason they will never do that. Her Pastor believes that if they are coming for the food and not the service he doesn't want those kinds of people. I thought, how sad to be so caught up on such details as to decide what kind of people you want in that way. God can save people in all kinds of ways, and from all walks of life. Our standards aren't going to save us. It kind of made me sad because I would sit and politely listen to their rather harsh ways and when it came up in conversation about my church they would so openly give their opinions. It really was getting to me. I was ready to head out of town today. I'm sure as I process all of this I'll be writing alot more on this subject.
Then tonight we were in Olathe at Bro. Riggen's and it was youth night, the youth had the whole service and it was such the opposite from this morning. It was like going back in time to our worship services growing up. People were worshipping with their whole hearts, running and dancing and jumping. They sang No Weapon Will Form Against Me and the power of God just so much closer. I am shy so I don't join in with much worship when visiting churches, but I was standing there and chills were running down my back and tears just started pouring down my face, I glanced over at Stephanie to see what she was doing and she had tears pouring down her cheeks. Bro Riggen got up and was talking about how we can't look at the problem we have to keep our eyes on the problem solver and He has the war fare weapons and will step in and fight for us and WE WILL WIN!!!! Then a couple of the young guys preached on Faith and the prayer service and we were out at 8pm. LOL. We got in the car and Stephanie said "you know I kept thinking I wish I was bold cause I wanted to jump", I agreed with her and we discussed the Power that was in that service. As I was standing there singing and clapping and praying, I was watching them run and shout and I wanted too so bad but I was so scared to do so, I told Stephanie I kept thinking if they don't stop I'm going to just explode inside. I walked away with a smile on my face, what a difference!!!
So now I'm sitting here in my hotel room and we had Taco Bell and played a game now I'm listening to the new choir songs, which I'm really stoked about. My old choir used Mark Condon's music, where it breaks down the parts and gives you all the info. I was very excited to go on to download our new music and the song was split into our parts. That is so awesome because I enjoy really listening to my part (soprano) and practicing all the little details. So when we go to practice we are ready and it flows much easier because we pretty much have it together and then hopefully we can focus more on harmony.
Tomorrow I plan on sleeping late, we have a bed each and the A/C is going and loud. There will be no children above us screaming and crying and banging on their door which was locked from the outside to keep them in at 5am, no crying babies at 4am. Hopefully we can really get some sleep, then up and I have to get my oil changed before we leave town and then I'll be home in my king sized Sleep Comfort bed!!! These full beds are very small, I don't think I would be able to sleep on a twin. LOL. I am very spoiled to my HUGE bed. I love it. Well, I'm going to start reading my new book, we bought, Mary Higgins Clark, Take My Heart and Carol Higgins Clark, Cursed, it's a Regan Reilly Mystery, I love them!!!! LOL, Stephanie just dropped her book she is ASLEEP!!!
Jonathan didn't want us to leave. He had been being bad and jokingly Misty said I could take Jonathan home with me. Well, this morning I was packing all my stuff up and he came downstairs and was "keeping me company" (translated being in the way, LOL) he informed us he was going home with us. It took some fancy talking to convince him his Mom was being silly. We had lunch with them and Jonthan sat between me and Stephanie and tried to convince me I could live somewhere that isn't my house. He enjoyed having our attention, I would take him to the store and we bought cookies and ice cream cones. LOL. So yeah, I'm quite popular in his world. LOL.
We went to 2 churches today and they were as different as daylight and dark. One prayed such angry sounding prayers, demanding God do this or that but there was not much spirit there, it felt so empty. I learned alot about how I don't want to be. It was a world different from my church, my church believes in a God of Love, this church was serving a God that must be angry. The comments that were made caused me to cringe, it made me really sad to see people so caught up it that. One such comment was concerning people coming in and being scared of their worship (which would make my Pastor restart his series on worship) their feelings were if the worship scared them they don't belong there and aren't hungry for God. I sat there with so many things running through my head. I didn't realize how much has changed for me in how I view church, worship, music, prayer, etc. We were driving to their outreach prayer service and we were just talking about church and things we've recently done and I had commented on how we have been doing a Celebration Sunday where we take communion on the first Sunday of the month and everyone brings food and we have a time of fellowship after the service and there is no evening service. I was sharing how there are people that normally wouldn't come to a Pentecostal service but will come in order to share the meal with us. I think that is neat because even if they come for the food they still hear the truth during the service. I think it's a great way to encourage people to come out. My friend informed me rather rudely that that is the exact reason they will never do that. Her Pastor believes that if they are coming for the food and not the service he doesn't want those kinds of people. I thought, how sad to be so caught up on such details as to decide what kind of people you want in that way. God can save people in all kinds of ways, and from all walks of life. Our standards aren't going to save us. It kind of made me sad because I would sit and politely listen to their rather harsh ways and when it came up in conversation about my church they would so openly give their opinions. It really was getting to me. I was ready to head out of town today. I'm sure as I process all of this I'll be writing alot more on this subject.
Then tonight we were in Olathe at Bro. Riggen's and it was youth night, the youth had the whole service and it was such the opposite from this morning. It was like going back in time to our worship services growing up. People were worshipping with their whole hearts, running and dancing and jumping. They sang No Weapon Will Form Against Me and the power of God just so much closer. I am shy so I don't join in with much worship when visiting churches, but I was standing there and chills were running down my back and tears just started pouring down my face, I glanced over at Stephanie to see what she was doing and she had tears pouring down her cheeks. Bro Riggen got up and was talking about how we can't look at the problem we have to keep our eyes on the problem solver and He has the war fare weapons and will step in and fight for us and WE WILL WIN!!!! Then a couple of the young guys preached on Faith and the prayer service and we were out at 8pm. LOL. We got in the car and Stephanie said "you know I kept thinking I wish I was bold cause I wanted to jump", I agreed with her and we discussed the Power that was in that service. As I was standing there singing and clapping and praying, I was watching them run and shout and I wanted too so bad but I was so scared to do so, I told Stephanie I kept thinking if they don't stop I'm going to just explode inside. I walked away with a smile on my face, what a difference!!!
So now I'm sitting here in my hotel room and we had Taco Bell and played a game now I'm listening to the new choir songs, which I'm really stoked about. My old choir used Mark Condon's music, where it breaks down the parts and gives you all the info. I was very excited to go on to download our new music and the song was split into our parts. That is so awesome because I enjoy really listening to my part (soprano) and practicing all the little details. So when we go to practice we are ready and it flows much easier because we pretty much have it together and then hopefully we can focus more on harmony.
Tomorrow I plan on sleeping late, we have a bed each and the A/C is going and loud. There will be no children above us screaming and crying and banging on their door which was locked from the outside to keep them in at 5am, no crying babies at 4am. Hopefully we can really get some sleep, then up and I have to get my oil changed before we leave town and then I'll be home in my king sized Sleep Comfort bed!!! These full beds are very small, I don't think I would be able to sleep on a twin. LOL. I am very spoiled to my HUGE bed. I love it. Well, I'm going to start reading my new book, we bought, Mary Higgins Clark, Take My Heart and Carol Higgins Clark, Cursed, it's a Regan Reilly Mystery, I love them!!!! LOL, Stephanie just dropped her book she is ASLEEP!!!
Friday, April 17, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Dorothy Grab Toto; We're headed to Kansas!!!
Well, when I leave work tonight I pick up my rental car, I leave early in the AM headed to see Misty and her family. I'm so excited!!! I've never seen Jacob in person and he's over 2 years old now. I last Saw Misty about 3 months BEFORE Jacob was born and now Marissa is here. I get to see her new house and visit with my friends in their church. Sunday night we'll be in Olathe at Bro. Riggen's church and I'm excited about that also.
I doubt I'll be able to get online much until I get to Olathe but I'm sure I'll have lots to post then. I plan on taking tons of pics. LOL. I can't wait until Misty sees all the stuff I'm taking her for Marissa. Allyson is passing down lots of stuff to her newest girl "cousin".
I'm going a little later in the year than I used to so surely no freak ice storms, that is what happened to me last time.
It is going to be very nice to get away.
I doubt I'll be able to get online much until I get to Olathe but I'm sure I'll have lots to post then. I plan on taking tons of pics. LOL. I can't wait until Misty sees all the stuff I'm taking her for Marissa. Allyson is passing down lots of stuff to her newest girl "cousin".
I'm going a little later in the year than I used to so surely no freak ice storms, that is what happened to me last time.
It is going to be very nice to get away.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Good Friday "Family Day"
Friday we went to the Science Museam and The Cowgirl Museam. I want to be a cowgirl. Their giftstore had a hilarious mug, I wanted it but wasn't willing to pay $20 for it. LOL. It said, I would rather be dumped by a horse than a man. LOL.
Then we went to the Omni and watched Grand Canyon: A River At Risk. It was very neat. We also went and watched the cowboys. **sigh**. I think I am going to find me a real cowboy with a big nice ranch. LOL. We had a good time watching the cutting horses do their thing. I could have stayed all day. LOL. Ruby you missed it!!! j/k
Monday, April 13, 2009
Redemption: Through The Power of The Cross
Our choir and chorale is called United Worshippers. We did a Easter Musical last night at our evening service. It was lot of practice since we had 2 weeks to get ready but it was alot of fun. My feet were KILLING me by the end of the service, well actually they were kind of numb feeling. LOL. I don't know when water has ever tasted so good. LOL. The spirit of God came into the place, though. My favorite song we did was You Humble Me. That is an awesome, powerful song. Sis. Pixler did awesome. I was blessed to get to be a part leader and though I was shaking in my heels and mixed up the word whipped with wounds, I had a great time. I LOVE music and singing. Music is the one thing that seems to be able to speak words you can't find to say. When I'm having a hard time I look for music and songs to discribe my feelings. You can usually tell my mood, attitude, etc by the music I'm listening too. I guess music or singing is the one way I have found to express myself and music can reach me when words can't. I don't have a lot of confidence in my everyday life but when I'm singing I have more confidence. I'm not the greatest singer by far but I do my best to use what talent God has given me. It's all to His glory and if it wasn't for God bestowing talents and gifts upon us we wouldn't be able to sing or play. Take whatever talent God has given you and become the best you can be. Sometimes it seems like nothing will ever come of it, but in God's time He will bring it about.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Todd Is Home!!
So Todd the missing cat is found. He went out the back door best we can figure out and the dogs of course wouldn't let him back in. I heard something at one end of our house but couldn't figure out what it was I went over called Todd's name and nothing so I went on figuring it was one of hte many strays that live on our property. Later Dad and Bob were out and heard noise in the same place and decided to investigate under the house and there was Todd, scared to death. He was the perfect angel last night but tonight he is back to being a Devil's Angel. LOL. He is so mean. Tonight he was after a fly and he kept doing this weird chattering with his mouth/teeth. Very strange. But kind of funny.
Did I mention Little Roo is much better, he has one issue I still have to find out how to cure and that is he has started growing stuff on his beak, looks like his beak but it's growth looking. Not sure what is up with that. He is so tame now, he follows me around eating out of the buckets while I'm feeding all the animals. I can even pick him up, how weird is that? We are talking about the bird that attacked me a few weeks ago. LOL.
Tomorrow starts my day of cleaning out pens. Yeah, you ever heard of mucking??? I know why it's called that now, it's alot of MUCK and YUCK. LOL. Plus with all the rain and cold it's been so nasty out there we haven't been collecting our eggs. They are a bunch of laying fools. Anybody know anyone that eats Goose eggs? My goose is laying a egg every day or so. We are OVER RUN with goose eggs. What's funny, we have roosters and our hens don't set, however we don't have a male goose and Lucy is sitting like no hen has ever set. LOL. Don't get near her nest in the barn or she will cuss you out. She runs the horse and chickens out and it's their barn. LOL. When I build my goat house, we're going to build a small house for Lucy to live in since she has decided to live in a barn. Before she started laying she refused to enter the barn and now she has taken over. I have to go in and remove the eggs tomorrow and she is not going to care for that. LOL.
We have to get a goat house built and soon. My lovely homeless shacks that they have been living in are falling down around them. LOL.
Thankfully it's warming up and I can really start working on things. There is so much to do. It's been a long process and it seems like it will never get done. The horse barn still needs doors and a stall and a floor. Sooner or later it'll get down.
I am going to be taking a vacation alone soon and can't wait. I was being goofy and commented that I wanted to go to Hawaii, well that is one of the vacations on the list (I won't be going to Hawaii don't worry) we all laughed about it and I was being silly asking for airfare for my birthday because tickets are like 2 grand. So I went on just out of curiousity to see what airfare really is and do you know you can go economy class for $600 round tirp. LOL. Chantry and I decided those seats are the toilet seats. LOL. Seriously, I am looking at Bandera Homestead that is down in the beautiful Hill Country AND it's the cowboy capital of Texas, hehe, sorry Ruby. ROFLOL. I can't wait. My family thinks I've lost my mind. My Mom can't imagine going somewhere were there might not be anything to do. LOL. I don't think it will be a problem for me. I can't wait!!! Which San Antonio is like 30-40 minutes away, I think. So if I go for a few days and then people come down to visit there is stuff to do not far away. I plan to just rest and relax and renew myself.
Well, it's getting late and I'm exhausted, not sure why other than I didn't sleep any Monday night so last night I got sleep but not enough to catch up. I have nothing to do tomorrow so I plan to sleep in and... do only what I want to do which will be working in the garden and animal areas. Anyone feeling like getting dirty in horse and goat and chicken poo??? OR, do you enjoy little silkies attacking you?? LOL. You can take care of both things at my house. Or come by on Friday and wash a horse. Haha.
Did I mention Little Roo is much better, he has one issue I still have to find out how to cure and that is he has started growing stuff on his beak, looks like his beak but it's growth looking. Not sure what is up with that. He is so tame now, he follows me around eating out of the buckets while I'm feeding all the animals. I can even pick him up, how weird is that? We are talking about the bird that attacked me a few weeks ago. LOL.
Tomorrow starts my day of cleaning out pens. Yeah, you ever heard of mucking??? I know why it's called that now, it's alot of MUCK and YUCK. LOL. Plus with all the rain and cold it's been so nasty out there we haven't been collecting our eggs. They are a bunch of laying fools. Anybody know anyone that eats Goose eggs? My goose is laying a egg every day or so. We are OVER RUN with goose eggs. What's funny, we have roosters and our hens don't set, however we don't have a male goose and Lucy is sitting like no hen has ever set. LOL. Don't get near her nest in the barn or she will cuss you out. She runs the horse and chickens out and it's their barn. LOL. When I build my goat house, we're going to build a small house for Lucy to live in since she has decided to live in a barn. Before she started laying she refused to enter the barn and now she has taken over. I have to go in and remove the eggs tomorrow and she is not going to care for that. LOL.
We have to get a goat house built and soon. My lovely homeless shacks that they have been living in are falling down around them. LOL.
Thankfully it's warming up and I can really start working on things. There is so much to do. It's been a long process and it seems like it will never get done. The horse barn still needs doors and a stall and a floor. Sooner or later it'll get down.
I am going to be taking a vacation alone soon and can't wait. I was being goofy and commented that I wanted to go to Hawaii, well that is one of the vacations on the list (I won't be going to Hawaii don't worry) we all laughed about it and I was being silly asking for airfare for my birthday because tickets are like 2 grand. So I went on just out of curiousity to see what airfare really is and do you know you can go economy class for $600 round tirp. LOL. Chantry and I decided those seats are the toilet seats. LOL. Seriously, I am looking at Bandera Homestead that is down in the beautiful Hill Country AND it's the cowboy capital of Texas, hehe, sorry Ruby. ROFLOL. I can't wait. My family thinks I've lost my mind. My Mom can't imagine going somewhere were there might not be anything to do. LOL. I don't think it will be a problem for me. I can't wait!!! Which San Antonio is like 30-40 minutes away, I think. So if I go for a few days and then people come down to visit there is stuff to do not far away. I plan to just rest and relax and renew myself.
Well, it's getting late and I'm exhausted, not sure why other than I didn't sleep any Monday night so last night I got sleep but not enough to catch up. I have nothing to do tomorrow so I plan to sleep in and... do only what I want to do which will be working in the garden and animal areas. Anyone feeling like getting dirty in horse and goat and chicken poo??? OR, do you enjoy little silkies attacking you?? LOL. You can take care of both things at my house. Or come by on Friday and wash a horse. Haha.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Todd is missing
Where is my kitty named Todd? The irritating very onry kitty??? He is missing in action we are figuring he got outside and I hope he comes home. As much as I dislike that cat he is missed. Of course my Mom is beside her self. I am trying to take it as it comes. I can't take the drama anymore.
So this week gears up tonight. Last night I ate, fed the animals and locked myself in my room. I took a really nice long shower. IM'd my brother and a friend really late. Then I couldn't sleep until 3am. Alot on my mind and it makes me so mad, I hate it when I can't sleep. I am worried I'm going to have to make a big decision for my life and though I know the direction I'll take it won't be easy. At the same time though it might be a good decision.
Well, I am exhausted and still have choir practice tonight and it will be brutal because we are trying to put together the musical. We are really having to pack it in.
It'll be fun though to have have the musical. I enjoy this kind of stuff. The songs are so easy for our part. So hopefully everyone has been listening to their CD's and practicing. I am about to puke the songs. They are great but I have listened to them sooooooooo many times I'm worn out. I can't wait until the musical because that always brings a new level on the songs because you have an audience. I think we need to do a drama for adults. I love acting, wish I had been involved with a Christian Theatre Group. That would have been a blast. I remember when we did Azusa Street at my old church, I was about 13. I was the Evangilical Preachers crippled daughter, so yeah, LOL, I had main part. Mom was the maid and everyone got so wrapped up in the acting it was almost real.
So this week gears up tonight. Last night I ate, fed the animals and locked myself in my room. I took a really nice long shower. IM'd my brother and a friend really late. Then I couldn't sleep until 3am. Alot on my mind and it makes me so mad, I hate it when I can't sleep. I am worried I'm going to have to make a big decision for my life and though I know the direction I'll take it won't be easy. At the same time though it might be a good decision.
Well, I am exhausted and still have choir practice tonight and it will be brutal because we are trying to put together the musical. We are really having to pack it in.
It'll be fun though to have have the musical. I enjoy this kind of stuff. The songs are so easy for our part. So hopefully everyone has been listening to their CD's and practicing. I am about to puke the songs. They are great but I have listened to them sooooooooo many times I'm worn out. I can't wait until the musical because that always brings a new level on the songs because you have an audience. I think we need to do a drama for adults. I love acting, wish I had been involved with a Christian Theatre Group. That would have been a blast. I remember when we did Azusa Street at my old church, I was about 13. I was the Evangilical Preachers crippled daughter, so yeah, LOL, I had main part. Mom was the maid and everyone got so wrapped up in the acting it was almost real.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Respect
I have always been taught growing up that I should respect others feelings and belongings. To be respectful towards my elders and leaders in my life. I struggle today because my belongings are not respected.
We as you have already read once again have people living in our home. What a disaster!!! Tonight I'm laying in bed and my Mom walks through into my bathroom and gets my curling iron out of the drawer and walks out. Never says one word as to can she take it or do I mind, she just took it. She doesn't use it so I know where it went to the people staying with us. I am so furious right now I could spit nails.
It just lets me know that the decision I made today with the encouragement of my brother was the correct thing to do. I have got to get help before I am consumed by this.
I feel so guilty and sad but I know I have to do it. Tonight was just another push to let me know. I am so scared, make that terrified because I am afraid I know what this is going to come down too. I don't want it to come to that but it's come to a point where I don't know what else to do. I have to have peace and if it means being an adult and being on my own I'll find the courage to do so. I'm tired of living life with a fake smile. I want to really live again and I don't know if I can grow where I'm at. It's sad but true.
I pray that the situation I face will change but so far history repeats itself. I hope my answer comes quickly and can resolve this situation.
We as you have already read once again have people living in our home. What a disaster!!! Tonight I'm laying in bed and my Mom walks through into my bathroom and gets my curling iron out of the drawer and walks out. Never says one word as to can she take it or do I mind, she just took it. She doesn't use it so I know where it went to the people staying with us. I am so furious right now I could spit nails.
It just lets me know that the decision I made today with the encouragement of my brother was the correct thing to do. I have got to get help before I am consumed by this.
I feel so guilty and sad but I know I have to do it. Tonight was just another push to let me know. I am so scared, make that terrified because I am afraid I know what this is going to come down too. I don't want it to come to that but it's come to a point where I don't know what else to do. I have to have peace and if it means being an adult and being on my own I'll find the courage to do so. I'm tired of living life with a fake smile. I want to really live again and I don't know if I can grow where I'm at. It's sad but true.
I pray that the situation I face will change but so far history repeats itself. I hope my answer comes quickly and can resolve this situation.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Heal the Wounds but Leave the Scar
So if you have read the previous 2 posts you know what a spiritual, emotional and mental struggle I have been in. All you who ask "You OK?" No, I wasn't, I lied. However, I still don't know or understand this battle I am in. It's like everything is mentally or emotionally coming in on me. Wednesday on the way home I was listening to KVTT, I am not a fan of that station, no offense, I had flipped through all my stations and KCBI had some talk thing on talking about personal ministries or some such, didn't catch my interest so I flipped to KLTY and they were playing the same songs they play a million times everyday and I'm sorry get a bigger selection or something. WOW, so I flipped to KVIL and something like the BeeGee's were playing and I just wasn't in the mood to listen to some old group from my Mom's era so I hit KVTT and Breakthrough by Tommy Walker was playing and I LOVE that song so I left I stopped there. The next song was one I didnt' think I had ever heard called Heal the Wounds but Leave the Scar. I sat in my car with the radio blasting outrageously loud and listened intently to the words. WOW, what an awesome song. I got home and turned on my laptop to see who was singing it and it was Point of Grace. They have some really good songs and I enjoy them but I'm not the fan that runs out and buys their CD's as they come out. LOL. I got home and decided to see if I had that song by Point of Grace on my laptop and I did. I don't have very much of their stuff but a friend had saved a ton of music to my computer for me and I guess it was something from there.
You know we all carry scars from the past regardless if it was fault of our own or others. My deepest wounds were not of my own making but the hurt that the mistakes of others brought me are wounds none the less that I wish I could erase. To end that stigma of "where I came from" and it was a church. LOL. Do you know I have struggled more since it's over than I did when it was ongoing because you can deny all your hurts and struggles because the real truth is unknown and honestly we will NEVER know the total truth, everyone has secrets they carry with them. We may lay out the outer edges for others to see but most of the time people keep their deepest hurts and secrets hidden because we don't want others to see the pain we endure. That shows a weakness and we want others to think we are strong.
I realized while listening to that song, it is once again a reminder that we can forgive and be forgiven but we will never forget but the scars or the memories are reminders of God's mercy and grace. I know that this trial I'm in isn't over but for some reason God wants me to go through this. I believe it's for many reasons, He is teaching me to trust Him, to become my own person not the person my family wants me to be. He is also bringing healing to me through all pain and like last night He showed me that He isn't gone He is still there and He is the same God He was 10-12 years ago. He has also taught me I can't depend on man or put too much of my trust in man, I have to give it all to Him.
I recently talked to a friend about one of the things I struggle with regarding worship and she had the same thing. She said she had come to a place where she had to get past what others did or thought and do what she knows to do and that was to draw close to God. I felt somewhat encouraged by her words and we agreed that in our service we would just give our all in worship and I knew I was desperate.
I talk through everything with my brother and he actually had a conversation with our Pastor because we thought perhaps our church didn't believe in deep worship to God with dancing and running. We see a tad of it but I grew up where that was the norm and the end of our service last night wasn't a once in a blue moon experience it was a normal occurence and you could pour yourself out before God and when He picked up your fragile offerings of praise He would replace it with a wonderful JOY. I was raised in a church that ended up with a lot of failures but failures usually result in our human-ness trying to be in control instead of letting God. My former Pastors taught us to prayer into a deepness of God and to have Faith that was unfettered that God could and would do anything, if we ask believing in unity. I struggle with the fact we lost that. I heard of a conversation a minister that used to preach at my old church had with a minister that didn't know us that well and they talked about the power and anointing the church had. His words were "if you can say a church had it going on that one did". The devil knew that and he found the weak places and exploited them to his advantage and tore it down. I know what we had and you can't explain it in words, I couldn't figure out how to get back. Then Bro. Wilkin preached about tuning in and I thought that's is. Problem is we don't want to be the one to step out and be the odd ball. But last night as I was praying and I felt so close to God, I didn't care about anyone or anything because it was there, that closeness to God I have been so desperate for. I had just never tuned in. I know I'm not the only one thinking along these lines and I believe God is going to start to show His glory and His power, I can only ask that He give me my joy back. Heal my wounds but go ahead and leave the scars so I'll remember these moments and never take His power and spirit for granted. I want my nephews and niece to grow up seeing the things I saw as a child. I'm realizing it's not in material things or in what we as humans can do, it's all what Gd can do.
When I think about growing up in church I always think back to my Memaw and the walk she had with God, it came at a great price and sacrifice. She lost her husband when her kids (Mom, Ronnie & Brenda) were small. Had to watch my Mom be hit by a car and go through all the recovery that comes with that, surgeries and skin graphs. Lost her teenage son to achohol poisoning when he was 19, she found him in our driveway in the backseat of our car and it was too late to save him. See her own mother in a mental hospital because of a nervous breakdown. Marry a man that just didn't have it together and caused grief and pain to others. Lose a pastor to sin when my Mom and Dad were preparing to marry. To support her family alone most of the time but she lived for God. My memories of her are in her rocking chair in her bedroom holdign my cousins praying over them, or sitting out by her fish pond reading her Bible. The stongest memories in my mind were her faith that God would heal her. He didnt' heal her here but she received the ultimate healing because He chose to take her on home. I'll never forget hearing her pray at church, I remember during worship service her and a couple other ladies would get out and begin to march around the church praying. I can remember her last service in church we had been bringing her in and laying her on a couch so she could be in church and they asked her to sing. I think my Dad helped her to the side of the platform and then that Weatherford stubborness kicked in and she walked to the pulpit alone and sang from Isaiah, they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength they shall mount upon wings as an eagle. Not long after that she past away from colon cancer on a Sunday afternoon. Her funeral was amazing. They sang and preached but they were singing a song and I can't remember what song it was but the spirit of God begin to flowing into that building and we begin to stand and worship are rejoice that even though we lost her to soon, she was only 51, she was pain free and right where she wanted to be. I'll never forget as long as I live when my Dad was on the platform singing and he took off running and the place exploded in dancing and running. It was just like her life, glorifying God in worship. People that didn't understand thought we were crazy as the family worshipped God and danced before Him because we have hope!!! We miss her today but someday we will all be together again in Heaven and I can't wait to hear her whoop. Because she made it home, all the things in her life made her strong and showed us that looked to her as our example that we can make it, there is nothing the devil can throw at us that we can't overcome if we try hard enough. I'll never forget listening to her pray, I can truly say she was a prayer warrior and a woman of God. I wish I could become half the woman she was in God. See she left a legacy for us to remember and live by and know that she is up there somewhere rooting for us to make it home.
Bro. Davis used to say God bottles up all the prayers we pray and he would tell us when we were having a hard time to pray and ask God to open up one of Memaw's prayers and let her prayers resonate in our lives. I like that to think all these years later that her prayers for my future when I was only 11 years old can have an affect today. In September it will be 20 years since God took her home. One thing I'll always know is Memaw I miss you but I know if you could make it so can I.
I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then'
I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free
Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar
I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem
Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar
Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering
Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar
I am reminded of something Sis Davis used to teach us in Sunday School as a teenager. God takes us through things for many reasons. She used to say when you are facing dark days or tough struggles remember God has something planned for your life and He puts us through things in order that we can help others through because we have been there. It's hard to understand things others go through if we haven't experienced them ourselves. I like to joke with my Mom, makes her roll her eyes at me over my craziness, obviously God must have big things for me to do with all He puts me through. LOL. All kidding aside though He knows our future and He can see what we can not see so though our days may be dark I believe when the sun shines again it will be brighter than ever before.
You know we all carry scars from the past regardless if it was fault of our own or others. My deepest wounds were not of my own making but the hurt that the mistakes of others brought me are wounds none the less that I wish I could erase. To end that stigma of "where I came from" and it was a church. LOL. Do you know I have struggled more since it's over than I did when it was ongoing because you can deny all your hurts and struggles because the real truth is unknown and honestly we will NEVER know the total truth, everyone has secrets they carry with them. We may lay out the outer edges for others to see but most of the time people keep their deepest hurts and secrets hidden because we don't want others to see the pain we endure. That shows a weakness and we want others to think we are strong.
I realized while listening to that song, it is once again a reminder that we can forgive and be forgiven but we will never forget but the scars or the memories are reminders of God's mercy and grace. I know that this trial I'm in isn't over but for some reason God wants me to go through this. I believe it's for many reasons, He is teaching me to trust Him, to become my own person not the person my family wants me to be. He is also bringing healing to me through all pain and like last night He showed me that He isn't gone He is still there and He is the same God He was 10-12 years ago. He has also taught me I can't depend on man or put too much of my trust in man, I have to give it all to Him.
I recently talked to a friend about one of the things I struggle with regarding worship and she had the same thing. She said she had come to a place where she had to get past what others did or thought and do what she knows to do and that was to draw close to God. I felt somewhat encouraged by her words and we agreed that in our service we would just give our all in worship and I knew I was desperate.
I talk through everything with my brother and he actually had a conversation with our Pastor because we thought perhaps our church didn't believe in deep worship to God with dancing and running. We see a tad of it but I grew up where that was the norm and the end of our service last night wasn't a once in a blue moon experience it was a normal occurence and you could pour yourself out before God and when He picked up your fragile offerings of praise He would replace it with a wonderful JOY. I was raised in a church that ended up with a lot of failures but failures usually result in our human-ness trying to be in control instead of letting God. My former Pastors taught us to prayer into a deepness of God and to have Faith that was unfettered that God could and would do anything, if we ask believing in unity. I struggle with the fact we lost that. I heard of a conversation a minister that used to preach at my old church had with a minister that didn't know us that well and they talked about the power and anointing the church had. His words were "if you can say a church had it going on that one did". The devil knew that and he found the weak places and exploited them to his advantage and tore it down. I know what we had and you can't explain it in words, I couldn't figure out how to get back. Then Bro. Wilkin preached about tuning in and I thought that's is. Problem is we don't want to be the one to step out and be the odd ball. But last night as I was praying and I felt so close to God, I didn't care about anyone or anything because it was there, that closeness to God I have been so desperate for. I had just never tuned in. I know I'm not the only one thinking along these lines and I believe God is going to start to show His glory and His power, I can only ask that He give me my joy back. Heal my wounds but go ahead and leave the scars so I'll remember these moments and never take His power and spirit for granted. I want my nephews and niece to grow up seeing the things I saw as a child. I'm realizing it's not in material things or in what we as humans can do, it's all what Gd can do.
When I think about growing up in church I always think back to my Memaw and the walk she had with God, it came at a great price and sacrifice. She lost her husband when her kids (Mom, Ronnie & Brenda) were small. Had to watch my Mom be hit by a car and go through all the recovery that comes with that, surgeries and skin graphs. Lost her teenage son to achohol poisoning when he was 19, she found him in our driveway in the backseat of our car and it was too late to save him. See her own mother in a mental hospital because of a nervous breakdown. Marry a man that just didn't have it together and caused grief and pain to others. Lose a pastor to sin when my Mom and Dad were preparing to marry. To support her family alone most of the time but she lived for God. My memories of her are in her rocking chair in her bedroom holdign my cousins praying over them, or sitting out by her fish pond reading her Bible. The stongest memories in my mind were her faith that God would heal her. He didnt' heal her here but she received the ultimate healing because He chose to take her on home. I'll never forget hearing her pray at church, I remember during worship service her and a couple other ladies would get out and begin to march around the church praying. I can remember her last service in church we had been bringing her in and laying her on a couch so she could be in church and they asked her to sing. I think my Dad helped her to the side of the platform and then that Weatherford stubborness kicked in and she walked to the pulpit alone and sang from Isaiah, they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength they shall mount upon wings as an eagle. Not long after that she past away from colon cancer on a Sunday afternoon. Her funeral was amazing. They sang and preached but they were singing a song and I can't remember what song it was but the spirit of God begin to flowing into that building and we begin to stand and worship are rejoice that even though we lost her to soon, she was only 51, she was pain free and right where she wanted to be. I'll never forget as long as I live when my Dad was on the platform singing and he took off running and the place exploded in dancing and running. It was just like her life, glorifying God in worship. People that didn't understand thought we were crazy as the family worshipped God and danced before Him because we have hope!!! We miss her today but someday we will all be together again in Heaven and I can't wait to hear her whoop. Because she made it home, all the things in her life made her strong and showed us that looked to her as our example that we can make it, there is nothing the devil can throw at us that we can't overcome if we try hard enough. I'll never forget listening to her pray, I can truly say she was a prayer warrior and a woman of God. I wish I could become half the woman she was in God. See she left a legacy for us to remember and live by and know that she is up there somewhere rooting for us to make it home.
Bro. Davis used to say God bottles up all the prayers we pray and he would tell us when we were having a hard time to pray and ask God to open up one of Memaw's prayers and let her prayers resonate in our lives. I like that to think all these years later that her prayers for my future when I was only 11 years old can have an affect today. In September it will be 20 years since God took her home. One thing I'll always know is Memaw I miss you but I know if you could make it so can I.
I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then'
I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free
Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar
I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem
Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar
Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering
Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar
I am reminded of something Sis Davis used to teach us in Sunday School as a teenager. God takes us through things for many reasons. She used to say when you are facing dark days or tough struggles remember God has something planned for your life and He puts us through things in order that we can help others through because we have been there. It's hard to understand things others go through if we haven't experienced them ourselves. I like to joke with my Mom, makes her roll her eyes at me over my craziness, obviously God must have big things for me to do with all He puts me through. LOL. All kidding aside though He knows our future and He can see what we can not see so though our days may be dark I believe when the sun shines again it will be brighter than ever before.
God Is Like That!!!
OK, so this morning I was giving up and it was over. Now I am better. LOL. See I mentioned in my blog this morning how I was feeling like God had given me more than I could take this time. I was so overwhelmed!!!
Tonight I got to church and we had a missionary preaching for us. Bro. John Wilkins. He preached on getting close to God and having that fire come down. He preached about the very thing I've been struggling over, that I've been missing so dreadfully.
We had a powerful move of the Holy Ghost. God was so close. It's like He was letting me know His power is still there but like Bro. Wilkins said it's there we just have to tune in. I believe everything he said. I've known some awesome times with God and I believe if I continue to give myself then I will stay close to Him.
God stepped in just in the nick of time and let me feel His presence so close. It was an awesome prayer service
Now to decorating and choir practice!!! We have a Easter musical Easter Sunday evening service.
I had to stop for a moment when I got home and just have a quiet moment and thank God for showing me He cares.
Tonight I got to church and we had a missionary preaching for us. Bro. John Wilkins. He preached on getting close to God and having that fire come down. He preached about the very thing I've been struggling over, that I've been missing so dreadfully.
We had a powerful move of the Holy Ghost. God was so close. It's like He was letting me know His power is still there but like Bro. Wilkins said it's there we just have to tune in. I believe everything he said. I've known some awesome times with God and I believe if I continue to give myself then I will stay close to Him.
God stepped in just in the nick of time and let me feel His presence so close. It was an awesome prayer service
Now to decorating and choir practice!!! We have a Easter musical Easter Sunday evening service.
I had to stop for a moment when I got home and just have a quiet moment and thank God for showing me He cares.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
I'm Having a Moment, excuse me please.
WARNING:
What to do? I am a very, perhaps complicated is the word, person and where most people externalize their feelings through some method or form. I tend to internalize my feelings, some pour out onto paper or my blog but those things are the minor ones that. Then there are deeper things that you can't or don't want to put out for all to read and discuss. But how do you then find help for all the things that roll around in your head?
I don't usually externalize my feelings. If I do you know things have gotten out of control and the only thing I know to do is put it on paper. Somehow that gives me a little bit of relief. I am crazy right now, like out of control kind of crazy. I left my stuff at work I was in such a fog when I left work, kind of crazy.
Growing up I had dreams like every other kid, mine weren't huge or exaggerated, I was just going to grow up, get married in the church I was raised in, have kids and live for God the best I knew how. When all of those dreams shattered around my feet 8 years ago, I died inside, I literally gave up on life. Life took alot of twists and turns and here I am. LOL.
I looked at apartments on Sunday, you know when you get that crazy something is wrong. I live at home were I have a nice big room and bathroom and the rent is cheap. LOL. I live a great life, well, except recently I acquired a roomie, yep my Mom moved in. See we have people living with us again so because of my Dad's health stuff he can't lay flat to sleep so he sleeps in his recliner all the time and so Mom gave their bedroom to our newest houseguests and the rest is history. I don't do people well, I like to be alone and I like peace and quiet which can be often found anymore. So for you on Myspace you have traveled the many journeys I've gone on with my Mother and her "lost girls from jail". Long story short after several have lived with us, there will be no more. I'm sure there are some out there that need a leg up and are willing to work hard to get on their feet but the ones before them ruined me. So all of that just caved in on me last weekend. I got too tired and stressed with wedding cakes and the fact that when people live with us I have to give up the usual freedom I have with my niece and nephews. I understand totally but it still hurts, I understand because I would be the same way. My family is and has always been very protective about our kiddos and that is the way it should be, we don't want to ever give a chance for them to be hurt. So though I don't necessarily think we shouldn't be helping these people it gets too me. I'm tired, I'm stressed and it seems that there is always more happening than there is time for. SO...
Sunday I lost it and went crazy on myself. See, the church we go to now is very Very VEry VERy VERY different and I struggle with it more than I would ever admit to anyone in person. Sunday I just didn't care, go up, go down I DON" T CARE!!! I sat through a Sunday night numb. Then I went home and lost it. Monday I made it through the day and then Monday night & Tuesday the reports started rolling onto blogs. All day at work I thought about what I had read and it begin to hit home until when I left work I left all my stuff sitting on my desk. OK, my laptop is my most prized possession and is the home of all my music. Leaving my laptop somewhere because I FORGOT???? Lord, please help me, I am crazily crazy. When we went to weigh in and my laptop was not home, I realized what a fog I am in this week emotionally and mentally. I read a blog about the miracles and healings (of all kinds) and the spirit and power that were at teh UPCI Texas Ladies Conference and how they danced and worshipped in the spirit. The annointed messages they heard and the testimonies that were given in their home churches upon their return. I read their excitment about how they begin to minister to one another and the way the spirit of God moved into their services and the things that were done. I cried!!! I don't get it, I'm miserable and don't care. But I don't want legalism and all the "rules" that are man made. Then I think if that is how I have to live to feel that power again maybe it's worth it. What is right and what is wrong?? Or maybe there isn't a "right and wrong". We get up and sing and it's just a thing we do. I miss going to church because I wanted to go, not because I have to MAKE myself go. I hate all these feelings I have to struggle with. I'm told I'm not alone but you feel alone.
Do you know though I try to just tuck it all away and keep pretending I guess it's too much because I'm not pretending too good anymore. My Mom and I had a serious conversation without her being crazy about the people she is helping. I don't know if I am happy or glad. She even offered to help me get an apartment because maybe I need to go through a time of aloneness to realize I need people in my life. In my head I know that is crazy, I have a great life. I have options, my Mom has offered to get rid of the stuff she stores in one of our barns and turn it into an apartment of sorts. It could be my own apartment without leaving all my beloved animals, which give me joy in my life. I love all my babies. I dont' know what to do, I have been so confused for so many months and so miserable. I pray and I know He hears and He answers but I can't help but think that maybe He is giving me more than I can take this time. I've thought that in times past when we lost everything we had and had to start over, I really thought I could take anymore and then BOOM He gave us so much more than we had ever had before, His blessings far outweighed the trial we had just walked through. I try to remind myself of those things but in the middle of all this chaos it's hard to see the blessings from the past and present. It's hard to to find the strength to keep believing.
I am going to visit my bestfriend in Kansas and my aunt Stephanie is going with me for the weekend, it will be fun to see the new baby and we are hopefully going through Olathe to visit our friends there. Then when I get back I will be taking an 8 day vacation and it will be a alone vacation. I can get a great deal on resort vacations through my parents vacation club thing they are in. Most of the resorts are like beach resorts or ski resorts which are VERY cool, however I don't want to drive forever to get there. LOL. So the next time there is "extra inventory" for Bandera Homestead in South Texas I'm going. Hopefully in the next couple of months before school lets out. I told my parents I may get in my room and not come out for 8 days. LOL. No, seriously, I'm sure I'll spent 3 or 4 days by myself and I'm sure my family will pour in. LOL. Either way I have alot to think about for my future and what better way to do that than in a gorgous room with a awesome view of the Hill Country, or mountains if I end up there. Hehe. I mean come on vacations that cheap need to be used up. LOL.
What to do? I am a very, perhaps complicated is the word, person and where most people externalize their feelings through some method or form. I tend to internalize my feelings, some pour out onto paper or my blog but those things are the minor ones that. Then there are deeper things that you can't or don't want to put out for all to read and discuss. But how do you then find help for all the things that roll around in your head?
I don't usually externalize my feelings. If I do you know things have gotten out of control and the only thing I know to do is put it on paper. Somehow that gives me a little bit of relief. I am crazy right now, like out of control kind of crazy. I left my stuff at work I was in such a fog when I left work, kind of crazy.
Growing up I had dreams like every other kid, mine weren't huge or exaggerated, I was just going to grow up, get married in the church I was raised in, have kids and live for God the best I knew how. When all of those dreams shattered around my feet 8 years ago, I died inside, I literally gave up on life. Life took alot of twists and turns and here I am. LOL.
I looked at apartments on Sunday, you know when you get that crazy something is wrong. I live at home were I have a nice big room and bathroom and the rent is cheap. LOL. I live a great life, well, except recently I acquired a roomie, yep my Mom moved in. See we have people living with us again so because of my Dad's health stuff he can't lay flat to sleep so he sleeps in his recliner all the time and so Mom gave their bedroom to our newest houseguests and the rest is history. I don't do people well, I like to be alone and I like peace and quiet which can be often found anymore. So for you on Myspace you have traveled the many journeys I've gone on with my Mother and her "lost girls from jail". Long story short after several have lived with us, there will be no more. I'm sure there are some out there that need a leg up and are willing to work hard to get on their feet but the ones before them ruined me. So all of that just caved in on me last weekend. I got too tired and stressed with wedding cakes and the fact that when people live with us I have to give up the usual freedom I have with my niece and nephews. I understand totally but it still hurts, I understand because I would be the same way. My family is and has always been very protective about our kiddos and that is the way it should be, we don't want to ever give a chance for them to be hurt. So though I don't necessarily think we shouldn't be helping these people it gets too me. I'm tired, I'm stressed and it seems that there is always more happening than there is time for. SO...
Sunday I lost it and went crazy on myself. See, the church we go to now is very Very VEry VERy VERY different and I struggle with it more than I would ever admit to anyone in person. Sunday I just didn't care, go up, go down I DON" T CARE!!! I sat through a Sunday night numb. Then I went home and lost it. Monday I made it through the day and then Monday night & Tuesday the reports started rolling onto blogs. All day at work I thought about what I had read and it begin to hit home until when I left work I left all my stuff sitting on my desk. OK, my laptop is my most prized possession and is the home of all my music. Leaving my laptop somewhere because I FORGOT???? Lord, please help me, I am crazily crazy. When we went to weigh in and my laptop was not home, I realized what a fog I am in this week emotionally and mentally. I read a blog about the miracles and healings (of all kinds) and the spirit and power that were at teh UPCI Texas Ladies Conference and how they danced and worshipped in the spirit. The annointed messages they heard and the testimonies that were given in their home churches upon their return. I read their excitment about how they begin to minister to one another and the way the spirit of God moved into their services and the things that were done. I cried!!! I don't get it, I'm miserable and don't care. But I don't want legalism and all the "rules" that are man made. Then I think if that is how I have to live to feel that power again maybe it's worth it. What is right and what is wrong?? Or maybe there isn't a "right and wrong". We get up and sing and it's just a thing we do. I miss going to church because I wanted to go, not because I have to MAKE myself go. I hate all these feelings I have to struggle with. I'm told I'm not alone but you feel alone.
Do you know though I try to just tuck it all away and keep pretending I guess it's too much because I'm not pretending too good anymore. My Mom and I had a serious conversation without her being crazy about the people she is helping. I don't know if I am happy or glad. She even offered to help me get an apartment because maybe I need to go through a time of aloneness to realize I need people in my life. In my head I know that is crazy, I have a great life. I have options, my Mom has offered to get rid of the stuff she stores in one of our barns and turn it into an apartment of sorts. It could be my own apartment without leaving all my beloved animals, which give me joy in my life. I love all my babies. I dont' know what to do, I have been so confused for so many months and so miserable. I pray and I know He hears and He answers but I can't help but think that maybe He is giving me more than I can take this time. I've thought that in times past when we lost everything we had and had to start over, I really thought I could take anymore and then BOOM He gave us so much more than we had ever had before, His blessings far outweighed the trial we had just walked through. I try to remind myself of those things but in the middle of all this chaos it's hard to see the blessings from the past and present. It's hard to to find the strength to keep believing.
I am going to visit my bestfriend in Kansas and my aunt Stephanie is going with me for the weekend, it will be fun to see the new baby and we are hopefully going through Olathe to visit our friends there. Then when I get back I will be taking an 8 day vacation and it will be a alone vacation. I can get a great deal on resort vacations through my parents vacation club thing they are in. Most of the resorts are like beach resorts or ski resorts which are VERY cool, however I don't want to drive forever to get there. LOL. So the next time there is "extra inventory" for Bandera Homestead in South Texas I'm going. Hopefully in the next couple of months before school lets out. I told my parents I may get in my room and not come out for 8 days. LOL. No, seriously, I'm sure I'll spent 3 or 4 days by myself and I'm sure my family will pour in. LOL. Either way I have alot to think about for my future and what better way to do that than in a gorgous room with a awesome view of the Hill Country, or mountains if I end up there. Hehe. I mean come on vacations that cheap need to be used up. LOL.
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