2016... Thoughts and Musings

So... I can not believe I haven't written since August. Bad me!!! LOL. I am going to TRY to get better, sometimes I've learned that writing is a way I can debrief in life and who cares, right? So here I sit thinking and pondering this new year and this new me! I remember the year my Dad burned is foot so bad, was it really over 2 years ago now? That seems so crazy yet it doesn't. That first year I didn't work much and I learned to live on much less that I had before. It was a year of hurt, fear and yet a year of hope. Then last year was a year of learning and finding my wings and living, like really and truly learning to live life to the fullest. In 2001 I quit really living, I gave up on all my goals and dreams. I packed away everything I thought I wanted in life and locked it up, it's like there was a little box inside of me and every hope and dream went in there and I locked it and threw away the key. Now 15 years later, I didn't know how to open it back up. I couldn't find the "key" and if I'd had it I was scared to face all that hurt and pain again. I mean, what if I got in there and it was worse than I remembered, what if the little good I could recall wasn't good at all. So last year I began counseling and Sis Vani has helped me tremendously!!! She is a God send to me. She can sit there while I pour out my hurt and all the bad things I feel about myself and she still loves me, she still tells me I'm important to God and I can be something in life, life isn't over yet.

So I began writing a new chapter in my book of life. I went back to school last September and I took the TSI test and breezed through reading and writing and fell a couple points too low in math. So I pulled up my big girl pants and walked into that big building (actually in the country community college is very small but it felt big, LOL) and signed up and started taking a half load. First semester I took intermediate algebra (for failing that section of the TSI) and a psychology class. I listed my major as Behavioral Science because I wanted to learn to fix people. We want to do Tammy's House and that means helping people. I learned in the last 6 months that fixing people isn't my strong suit and I was doing things and trying to talk myself into being something I wasn't, it's a miserable way to live. After a couple of session with my counselor I realized I was trying to be what I perceived my Mom wanted me to be so she would be proud of me and I would then find happiness. I realized that isn't true, happiness can't be found by finding validation in people or my Mom or family. I had to be Taniss, that's when I'm happy, when I'm just being ME!!! I have learned I'm a pretty awesome person that doesn't like hands on helping people, regardless how much I try it, I'm not good at it. However, I can run circles around those kinds of hands on helping people sorts when I'm in a office. Give me a computer, reports, paperwork, etc and I'm happy!!! I love it and in a ministry of helping people there is alot of paperwork too. I've had to learn to be happy with me and not try to expect more out of myself than I am capable of giving.

This year I decided to live, really live the life I want to live and make decisions for me not based on other opinions. I'm tired of living worrying about if I'm doing the right or wrong thing. So I traveled with a couple of girls to a singles conference in californina, LA to be exact. It was fun so I then went to a few concerts, then took a cruise with Crystal & Terrell and it was so much fun. This year is full of travel fun. Next is singles conference for a night or 2 and then New York twice, once with my Mom, friend and sister in law and then a month later with a couple of friends. Then ladies conference, prison conference and I want to find a quick cruise this summer to take Katy and Gavin on for Katy's birthday. I plan on going to Maine, I have never been there and I have always wanted to go, so... LOL.

This week started semester 2 with more Algebra and this time my 2nd class is principles of marketing. I feel like a fish out of water still but I'm a bit more confident this round. I changed my major to business management and when the adviser showed me the class list I sighed a big sigh of relief!!! More my style and line of classes, I was so happy!!!

So we were put in contact with a new contact for Tammy's House and I really feel like we passed a test and now God is allowing us to move a step forward in starting up. I'll write more about that when we know more.

Now I'm going to sign off, along with picking up a half class load of college classes to go along with my part time (25-30 hour) job I've also picked up a 2nd job to help make ends meet. It's not easy, it's actually very tiring and stressful some days I just hope I can keep it all on track this semester.