Help Me Believe

I stumbled across this song over the weekend. I have listened to it a million times. Worth the listen. Here are the lyrics.

"I just want to write you a letter. I have to be very honest with you right now. I dont really know how to say this..."

Verse 1:
I wanna believe
But I'm having a hard time seeing past what I see right now,
I see right now

I wanna be free
But when I try to fly I realize I don't know how,
No one showed me how

Wish I could see
That this mess I'm in will really work out for my good,
You said it would
So, if you can hear me,
Can you give me a sign cause I dont feel you like I should,
Please if you could

My faith is almost gone,
I can't hold on much longer,
Take this cup from me

Chorus A:
Help me Believe
Can I believe
Let Me believe
I wanna believe
I'm no good on my own, please
Give me another chance
Its hard to believe
In what I can't see
to give you my will
cause you're whats better for
you can look in my eyes and see
I wanna believe, believe, believe, believe

Verse 2:
(I want you to know)
I wanna believe
if I never hear Im sorry
I can let it go,
gotta let you go
cause, its killing me.
Jesus you know how it feels
cause you've been hurt before,
dont wanna hurt no more
Im trying to hear you speak,
but my heart is growing weaker,
take this cup from me

Chorus B:
Help me Believe
Can I Believe
Let me Believe
I wanna Believe
I've been here before and
can't take that hurt again
Its hard to believe in what I can't see
to give you my will cause you're whats better for
you can look in my eyes and see
I wanna believe, believe, believe, believe

Bridge:
Believe_________
Believe_________

Verse 3:
I wanna believe
when I close my eyes on this side I'll wake up with you,
more in love with you
and, and finally,
you will say my race
it is over and my work is through,
cause I believed in you

I know dark nights will come
and some days there'll be no sunshine
and you're too far to see

Take Two by Karen Kingsbury

I am a huge Karen Kingsbury fan!!! I love everything she writes. I purchased Take Two tonight. Hopefully this weekend I'll be able to find some reading time.

She is now known as the Queen of Christian Fiction. I saw an interview she did with NBC tonight on YouTube and she commented on how she always wanted to write emotional fiction. She wants to write stories people can relate too. This is the reason her stories don't always have a happy ending and sometimes babies die or kids are abused. She writes real life stories. She has Ashley Baxter Blake's baby girl die and she said the letters she got from couples giving her their story and thanking for for writing about such an issue and showign that even through the tragedy and hurt you can still find strength. I'm thinking about rereading her books and using the Study Guide type thing in the back and writing a blog about each one. I enjoy reading books or singing songs that I can relate to in my everyday life.

Books or songs that speak of the hurt, pain or loss and yet also show the triumph after the battle. So I'm a life-long fan. I enjoyed the book she wrote that basically told of her brothers life. Very powerful story. I can't remember the title right now, laying here half asleep.

She said every book is "someones story". Not that each story is based on a certain person, just that each story is real life and someone somewhere will relate to the story and go "that is me". I like the fact she isn't afraid to deal with difficult issues and it makes me think. She has a God given talent.

I Thought It Was All Good

But since at 2am I was told I was "such a very selfish person, the most selfish person I've ever known" I guess it wasn't. Hmmm, that's funny all because I would not give up my bedroom to a guest??? Because I wasn't sleeping on a couch when everyone got home at 1:30am this morning. So I was goaded and awakened over and over. It was my "punishment" I guess. I get so tired of fighting. But today I didn't feel any guilt just a twinge of a feeling that says once again I can't measure up to what my Mom wants me to be. Today it's not guilt it's something different, I would say maybe failure. I had already let her know I would not give up my room, the guest could stay with me but I will never again be giving up my room unless it is my choice. Somtimes I wonder why I have to deal with this over and over and over again. I try to push it away but it doesn't always go so easy. Sigh, I have to wonder again why my life has been like this.

I won't bore you, blog, with the details, just know that at 3am when I was being royally griped out and informed the least I could do was take my Dad to work something inside felt dead. I have offered over and over to take my Dad to work if I needed to. The offer is usually turned down and it doesnt' matter to me. Just let me know so I can get ready earlier because I have to leave 30 min earlier to take him but I don't mind. I have offered several times, but then to be verbally attacked by the phrase "it's the least you can do". You know what? I don't HAVE to do anything! I'm 32 and paying my own way through life.

I looked it up online to see what proper ettiquette is for overnight guests. No where did I see where I am supposed to give up my personal space. That is my private space and no one respects that. Sorry, I'm just a little hurt and angry right now. I can't understand why???

Just Thinking

OK, so I recently arrived at a location where a young person had left a piece of correspondance and some pictures up on a computer. What I saw in the pics confirmed suspicions that I had. Then the letter that had been left up chilled me even more.

I shut it all down and the first thing I did was pray for them. Not a long prayer, just a quick short prayer. I wondered if we as a "christian" community had failed them. I had had conversations with this person concerning their difficult home life. I had seen things that were done or said to this person. I wondered if we had failed to be sensitive enough to reach out or if this is just the way things are.

The emotional rollercoaster that was a letter disturbed me to no end. I really burdens me that we lose so many young people. It's so needless. We think when they begin the stages of rebellion that we can't do anything. I remember as a teenager, a conversation I had with my Pastor at that time concerning one of my closest friends. Her home life stunk and the one bright light in her life was a boyfriend. They were breaking all the rules, it made me mad (I'm a bit of a follow the rules kind of person) so I confronted her and she basically felt like no one cared. That is why I ended up standing at the front of my church confronting my Pastor over the fact no one was stepping in. He felt like there was nothing anyone could do. Today I believe it more than I did then. My friend was looking for someone to love her, truly love her unconditionally.

So I think to this young person that had so much potential. We lost another one and the lifestyle he is testing saddens me because I saw times when people could have responded a bit different and maybe stregthen him instead of tearing him down. I have been in situations with this person that almost pushed me to far. I wonder what those moments do to a teenager?

Just some thoughts... and maybe to remind people we can get up and sing in a perfect way, with a perfect look and with a perfect response, we can bring in the best Sunday School programs, we can look and act so perfect but if we lose our young people? There will be no church of tomorrow. I talked with a lady I look to as a mentor and I expressed this to her and she had to agree to a point. We put such a strong push on our kids and our adults but we are failing our teenagers.

Waiting for Mr. Right???

LOL, this is me in a few years. LOL. A co-worker sent this to me about 7 or 8 years ago. She couldn't believe that I had no boyfriend and wasn't dating. First off there was absolutely NO one to date. LOL. Secondly I really have a strong believe in courtship. I am one of the old fashioned weirdo's that believes you wait until God sends the right one along. However, sometimes it feels like I'm going to be in this exact situation. It's funny how you go for months and you handle it fine and there is something about your birthday and holidays that brings all the pain and hurt associated with being a older single. So this pic was a joke but everyone thought it hilarious, so I framed it and kept in on my desk at work. Then when I went crazy and quit my job in 2003, I think, I brought it home and it has sat somewhere in my room ever since. LOL. Gives me a laugh every time I see it. You know I don't think I'm looking for the perfect man, I am looking for the one God has for me. Sometimes I wonder if my day will come and recently with the things going on in my family, I see how much my family needs me and I wonder if this is my life. Perhaps this is it, my whole life was lived for this time. Ok, I'm running away screaming right now. LOL. Then today I took my Nanny to Midlothian for a MRI and I walked in to the waiting room to find this. LOL. So I quickly took a picture of him and posted it via my phone to Facebook. LOL. I even added a message to the affect that this was my Mr. Right and I was too late. LOL. Everyone got a good laugh.

Sometimes life does seem to have passed by, can you believe next month I'll be 32?? I have to wonder why my time never came. I was going through pictures today and ran across pictures of my friends weddings, I walk in my closet and there hangs all my dresses from those weddings. LOL. Doesn't seem fair does it? But you know there are days when I think it's better this way, perhaps marriage and kids aren't for me. Most days though I wonder if I missed out on "the one". I know what it's like to really love someone and to watch them go away and to always wonder, what if... I know you have to get over things and go on and live life but I think I'll always wonder if I made the right decisions for my life. Did I miss out on the one person? All the jokes and comments I endured because I didn't date around, and for what? To be 32 and single?? To think I didn't have a choice really my parents made sure of that. They did what they thought best for me and I'm living for God today so maybe it was best and perhaps I shouldn't question. I just have to wonder sometimes at what could have been if our choices were different.

I had people tell me just this weekend I ought to get my own place and maybe I should. I can't though, I believe you have to be responsible and I know my parents need me. Tonight Mom was flipping out about the horse and the rabbit having mites, she was explaining how she feels like she can't handle it and just this morning she was helping my Dad to his desk at work because he was to dizzy to do it on his own. I see him get up and fall, when I make jokes about leaving Dad actually tears up and says I can't go right now. I want to run far away and find the life my friends have, try out the whole marriage and kids, so it's not all it's cracked up to be but that gives you a support system that as a single I don't have. They don't understand what it is to day in and day out have to be the strong one and go it alone. So today was a bad day, tomorrow will be better.

Yesterday I actually comtemplated getting rid of all the animals, the stress of them getting ill or having issues and my Mom having a nervous breakdown over it gets to me some. However I go out and sit in the yard because I'm overwhelmed and the world goes by and no one knows, then here comes Rowdy and all the goats, my dogs and cats and they want to be loved and have lots of love to give back, only because they know I'm the hand that feeds them. LOL. They know when their owner is upset and they have their own little ways to jostle me into reality and off my pity party. LOL. I can't get rid of my animals they are seriously my stress relief. I come home, put my things in my room and head outside. I feed and water them and then get the brush and give Rowdy a good going over, combing his mane and tail. It's peaceful, Tonight I sat outside for awhile and Rowdy came up to put his face in my space. LOL. He doesn't understand the whole breathing room thing. LOL. Oreo and Sarah were laying down behind me and Lexi and Prec were fighting to see who would get the most lap room (since they are too big individually) Come inside and there were Laycie and Frostie waiting to give me kisses and remind me that they wanted a rawhide piece. Then there is nothing like going potty with a rabbit as company. LOL. He isn't feelign well so he has been living off and on in my bathroom, in the shower. LOL. However go in there to take care of business and he comes out to see if you need help I guess. LOL.

Well tomorrow I'm going to work for AG again. It's Father's Day and they always need extra help so I do it for extra spending money.

Oh, and vacation. On our way to Colorado we stop in Amarillo to spend the night and we are going to see Texas (outdoor drama in Palo Dura Canyon State Park) the 7 Falls, then we will spend a week in Granby at the resort and Rocky Mountain National Park, if we get bored we are going to drive over to Boulder and tour the Celestial Seasonings Factory and watch tea leaves be made into tea in the bags, if I can work it out we may hit the Dinner Theatre where they are performing Annie right now. I love Annie and "tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll love you tomorrow it's only a day away". LOL. We'll have to see if it works out because I also want to drive up to Wyoming so I can add it to the list of states I've been too. Then headed home we are goign to Pikes Peak, Garden of the Gods and Focus on the Family. That's alot to pack in 10 days but I'm getting excited about it.

Oh and for those that keep up with all my drama, I thought a few weeks ago I had light at the end of the tunnel, but it was only a small, short candle along the way and before I got to it, it had burned out. So I have really been praying God would help in this situation. I have been trying VERY hard to have a good attitude and treat people kindly and not let little kids drive me crazy with the daily reports on how animals are doing WHEN I WAS JUST OUT THERE. LOL. So, looks like after vacation they are going home. I really feel like God is working it out and just in time. LOL, tonight Mom was expressing how she can't handle the stress from Dad and then the animals too. I laughed because I don't feel crazy abotu the animals but I do about people living inside our house. I told my Mom maybe God was letting her feel what I feel> LOL. No, the stress from my Dad being so sick is very hard. He is almost blind, can't drive anymore until he has eye surgery and that may be awhile. But I've already let it be known, this isn't happening anymore.

Well, it's 2am and I'm still wide awake, this is driving me CRAZY, LOL. I hate insomnia and I have to get up so early. **sigh**.

Night all.

Ok if I bathe in highly diluted bleach bath for eczema. Will it hurt my hair? Desperate situations call for drastic treatments. If my hair ends up green do not laugh at me. Know I was willing to take a risk for a cure!!!

Frustrated!!!

OK, the horse is having foot issues. Stepped on something and we got it out but he is still limping pretty good. Hoof guy is coming out tomorrow to clean and trim his hooves, doctor up the hurt foot and wrap it. So hopefully that will get Rowdy on his way to good health.

Ok, we have enough drama without adding to it. Yesterday Bethany found a turtle in the road and brought it home. They fixed it a cage area and put him in it. I thought then, he won't stay. I had the same thing a HUGE turtle and put in the backyard when I was a kid and the next day he was GONE!!!. Sure enough today the turtle is missing everyone is in a tizzy about where he went and how he got away. LOL. I wasn't shocked.

We've lost 2 kittens that the strays had. We think the stray dogs are getting them. What do you do? I endured taking strays the the Humane Society once and was treated like I was a horrible person for bringing them in. I though I was doing the right thing getting the dogs off the street. No, I was treated bad because I felt sorry for the dogs and was petting them. I was so angry at the way the staff acted. They were going on about how the dogs were sick, no they weren't. Oh, I need to stop now before I get mad all over again.

I guess that is life on a farm. You have the good times of happiness and fun, then you have alot of heartache and death. It's making me tougher for sure. Since we moved out here we have lost a cat, now 2 kittens, 2 roosters and a hen. that's quite a lot. Carmello is on her last leg at the age of 21. LOL. Oldest cat I've ever owned. She was born outside but her Momma left her because she had a sticker in her side. So she has lived inside ever since. Very sweet kitty.

Life goes on and on. Life on a farm is still good. LOL. Gotta love all my babies!!!

What a Evening

Ok, so everything was going great until I went to choir practice. Practice was ok but I got a call as we were leaving that my horse was down with hurt legs. So I came flying home to a limping horse. I tried giving him a treat and he wouldn't eat. So I finally got him to let me take a look at his hoof. There was something stuff in it. So after trying and having no luck (he kept biting me) I got Stephanie and Bob to help and right now I'm so sore and stiff from holding a horse up and he still reared and fell. But it looks like we got it out but he is still limping a bit. He is eating now though so that is good. At this moment he is in the back yard laying in the grass. So I'm hoping that whatever was in his hoof is out and after resting for the night he will be back up and going tomorrow. I prayed for him. LOL. I know I'm crazy but I didn't know what else to do. So I hope and pray God will help.

Then Bob and Robert killed a huge snake that was crossing our street. You can go to my facebook profile to see the pics of the snake.

I'm pretty tense right now. My nerves are stretched pretty thin and I'm wired. I am so sore and stiff and exhausted and yet I'm laying here WIDE awake. Life as so many things to worry about. I am laying here giving my worries to the Lord and hoping He will take them for awhile and let me get some sleep.

I'm so ready for vacation. I need a break.

Thankful the Storms are South Now

Whew!!! We just went through a humdinger of a storm. Pea-sized hail, wind strong enough to lay our trees over. I was all grumpy because we got home at almost 7 to discover the a/c had frozen up and the house was HOT & HUMID!!! I went outside and fed the animals because it was cooler out there. LOL. The the storm hit and the lights went out. LOL. So a/c frozen or not we couldn't have it either way. Thankfully the bad parts of the storm are over looks like and the a/c is working again. Thank you Jesus!!!!! LOL, I can not handle heat, I will be down with migraines and the all the next parts that is not lovely. So there you have it.

Dad is better, not up to driving and such but he is better. They changed up his meds and he is doing better. He seems to be gaining his strength each day. That is good.

Friday is Chelsea's hearing and I'm really looking forward to being able to be there and see and hear the proceedings myself. I really want to find the truth in all of this. I received a link to a interview for a Idol contestant and so I was on Oprah's website and stumbled across some interviews she had done last year with some guys that had been wrongfully convicted. I'm going to post the links to the articles on my blog where I write about Chelsea. If you want to read my thoughts about Chelsea's case or the links to the articles on Oprah you can visit that site at... http://tannco.blogspot.com/

God is good all the time. Sometimes we just have to remember that. He is always there!!

Dad

Argh, I hate people being sick!!! Dad is so sick right now. He stays pretty sick most of the time but a couple of weeks ago he though he had a ear infection, then he started running fever and chills, dizziness etc. He went to the kidney doctor and she said he will soon be on dialysis. OK, so yeah, yeah, we know that is coming eventually. Then he went to his regular medical doctor and he had a infection in his head because of a bug bite.

Who gets a infection inside their head from a bug bite? Obviously my Dad. So he went on antibiotics with the instructions that if he gets worse he has to go to the ER. He seemed to be getting better until this weekend when he started throwing up. Now it has been day 2. He claims it's meds but we aren't stupid, or maybe we are and are running scared. But when your kidneys aren't working right??? Yeah, we've been there already. It's like a clock chiming the hour, it's here.

I'm thinking Dad is in some major denial and that is fine, but how hardheaded can you be? Argh.

So we have to wait another day to see if not taking his antibiotics makes him feel better. He is giving me half of my gray hairs and my stomache ulcer. LOL. I will sleep much better when he is feeling better. I've decided life never changes it's just one chaotic, uncontrollable crisis after another. LOL. Want a roller coaster ride? Well hop on my family train and we'll show you a "good" time.

What a Lovely Day!!

So I had a good day, well except the getting up at 6am part. Ugh, for choir practice, I almost didn't stay awake during church. LOL. Bro. Conroy preached an awesome message. Then I came home had some chicken from Whataburger and took a 3 hour nap. LOL.

Then headed over to my brothers and he put up the website for the company I work for and then Gavin and I played Super Mario on his Wii. We danced to music and I got to spend some fun time with my gangster niece and Sumo wrestler nephew and my ummm, jumping jack nephew. LOL. Chantry made us all some cinnamon toast and then I had to head home to feed the animals. Stephanie was helping out with it and so after we got that done I grabbed my laptop and went out on the porch. Showed Mom some video clips of the kiddos "dancing". Watch out Paula Abdul, Gavin Conkle is the next dance phenomonon. LOL. He had some, shall we say interesting moves?? LOL.

Then Mom and I talked about Chelsea and Amy and then I chatted with some friends online and just enjoyed the evening, well night. LOL.

It was such nice weather out tonight. I just sat outside with my laptop and enjoyed the darkness and outdoors. It so peaceful the animals are quiet, chickens bedded down, all the goats and horse are just quietly wandering around. The cats/kittens are out in the yard playing but it's all quiet and just tranquil.

So it's been a very good afternoon. Good start to the week.

Anyone with a magic potion for sleep?

So I am having major insomnia problems. NOTHING is making me go to sleep, I thought it was because I was drinking caffiene too late but I guess not, I didn't drinkn any tonight. I felt so sleepy earlier and went on to bed to lay here wide awake. So I got up and figured out how to sync up my phone with the laptop so my tunes are on my phone now. How cool is that. I'm set and ready to go again, I was getting worried because I couldn't figure out how to get my tunes on my phone but finally!!!

Dad is doing a little better. He is still running some temp and the doctor said NOTHING until Monday. He is just taking it easy laying around in his chair. The doctor said the dangerous part is that his infection is in his head close to his brain. Diabetes complicates everything!!! Dad's forhead was swollen, it's the weirdest thing I've ever heard of. A bug bite somehow turned into an infection inside your head. How strange. We are just making Dad be quiet and take it easy and waiting to hear back from his kidney doctor tomorrow.

I'm planning a way into the future vacation for the end of the year. Dad wants to go to Florida so I'm looking into places to stay down in the bottom. Hopefully that will work out. I've never stayed in Florida though I've driven through so many times.

Well, I'm going to see if I can go to sleep. It aggravates me so bad when I can't sleep. Means tomorrow I'll be VERY tired and not feeling good. Argh!!

I Hate Getting Bad News!!!

OK, so it's laugh or cry and we are trying to laugh!!

Today after over a week of trying to fight off a "cold or something" Dad went to the doctor because he is running a very high temp. Seems that a bug probably bit him on his face, not a big deal right??? Wrong, because of his diabetes and low immune system the bit settled into his face and sinuses and have caused a HUGE, basically, infection. Sigh, what next??? He is on bed rest with doctors orders to do NOTHING until Monday when his doctor has given him a release to go back to work. He said if his fever doesn't stay down he has to go to the hospital immediately, this is serious because of his other health issues.

Then today he got a call while he was out from his kidney doctor to call her asap tomorrow, they need to go over his lab results. She is setting him up to start dialysis pretty soon. At that time he will officially become disabled. He will be taking dialysis 3x a week. Our lives will change I'm sure. If he could lose weight and lose a lot of weight he could be a candidate for a kidney transplant.

Life has so many twists and turns. This is a serious thing for us but we also know in my lifetime Dad has faced alot of serious and some life threatening things and God has come through every time so I have to put my faith in Him that He knows what He is doing and we will be okey.

Learning to Stand

I was talking to a friend of mine on the phone yesterday. She is considerably older than me but I count her as one of my dearest friends. She had called to see how I was and just to talk, she begin to talk about some things that had gone on in her immediate family and begin to relay what she had learned through this storm. She told me regarding a situation in my life I needed to pray, not just pray but I needed to begin to rebuke the spirits that invade my home. Her opinion was that the Devil has found a way to disrupt my family and to cause confusion in my life and turmoil and someone has to say "enough is enough" and stand up and begin to pray and push back the spirits of evil. Sounds kind of cheesy but you know what... it made sense to me!!

I try to look from all angles but sometimes it just doesn't make sense. I mean she wants to "save" all these people and we can't save anyone, we can share our faith if they show an interest, but we can't force it on them. I had a moment of guilt recently because I was accused of being the reason so many of our "projects" failed. Some of these people lived with us close to 6 months, then after a couple years disappeared or show up back in jail. It was my "attitude" that forced them to leave our house. Well, if telling someone to help around the house like everyone else and get off their lazy behind pushed them out, so sorry!! If my being upset because you are lying to us or playing games with us causes you to leave and fail. I can't save anyone. God calls people to him and if you are not called, I can't do it. So all that to say I was assured over and over that it's not my fault and only those girls can change their lives with God's help and we can't do it for them.

So that got me to thinking about how my family used to be, my parents always helped people in one way or another, just wasn't always living with us. I remember when we found out a family was having very hard times, we would go to the store and buy double, then we would box it up and "sneak" it up on their porch and run. Or at Christmas when our youth group would get the names of needy families in our church and we would all take a child (or 2) and buy them presents, we would get together and wrap them and "sneak" them to their porches. Do you know how good that feels?? There was never a big scene made about it.

Anyways, last night I was out walking and someone mentioned that their husband was giving them a hard time about why they keep waking up at 5am every morning, she wouldn't tell him but she feels like God is waking her up to pray and she is getting up and doing so. I felt this little prompting in my heart, because I wake up every morning really early, usually I just lay there until I fall back asleep but in this conversation something inside of me nudged my spirit and my telephone conversation came back to me. So with God's help I'm going to try to follow His leading. Since I'm not a "super-spiritual" person that has God always talking to me maybe I've totally jumped track but I want to think that He cares enough to have my friends share their hard times with me so that I can learn His ways and not those of my own.

One of the things shared with me was how a family was having to learn to pray and fight back because they aren't fighting for themselves but the ministries of their children and grandchildren.

I know the Devil uses these people coming into our home as a way to cause division and turmoil in our home emotionally and mentally. I look at how my Dad's health is declining and I wonder what God is thinking. Sometimes you feel like he forgot where you are, but He hasn't. You go through times when you sit in church and you feel so numb and you wonder if perhaps your time is over and life passed you by. I am refusing to listen to the Devils little lies. Do I always overcome them and stand strong? No, most of the time he knocks me down on the ground and stands on me. But it's not how many times I get knocked down, it's how many times I get back up. Plus, God is my "daddy" and he is with me.

I know and I believe that everything we go through has a reason. Sometimes it's years down the road that something happens and while helping someone through it you realize, this is why!!! Those moments make it worth it. Since we are human though, we soon forget it and fall prey to those old feelings and failings.

God knows my past, present and future and He knows me better than I know myself. Every little nugget of faith I regain is taking back everything I've lost and the Devil knows if I ever figure out that if I put my whole trust in God, I am unstoppable.