My Thoughts of Recent Days!!

Alot has changed in life in the last few months of life. Ups and Downs. Ins and Outs. I'm coming into a mood of wanting to blog and write and put my thoughts and feeling down somewhere and so I always tend to find my way back here to the blogospere where I put my thoughts down in a area that I have found that I can put my tears, fears and some happy times too. I've written in my darkest days and in my happiest days and in those days like recently where I feel God has me at a point of decision... How far do I really want to go OR let me phrase it this way, how close to HIM do I want to be?

What a week or so ago Bro. David Smith was at our church and on a Tuesday night he had us prophesy out loud. Just whatever we could think of put it out there and begin to claim it. He even said, "Some of you will see your miracles/healings coming to pass by this coming Sunday". I thought well, I've NEVER done ANYTHING like that in my ENTIRE life, LOL, so why not. I'll do/try/say anything 1 time. So I begin to just lay it all out there for God, I spoke of everything from my family and home life, to my brothers family and life to my aunts family and life, my job, my job, my JOB, haha, my health, my weight, my singleness, my desires and dreams, my desire/dreams/thoughts, etc on what I thought was where I belonged in ministry in my church, I just laid it all out there. Sunday night or Monday night Teresa and I were sitting talking in the living room and I was sharing a testimony from church and I said, I guess I didn't pray or talk right or something because none of mine happened. She said yeah, and then she asked "Did you pray about your weight?".

LOL, I thought it over and said yes, I prayed that God would give me whatever I need to help me lose weight, she gave a little laugh and said "Ummm, your personal trainer is moving out here". I stopped and thought about it and laughed, I guess God did answer it just wasn't really what I was expecting.

Lezli has come to stay with us and I believe help me with my weight loss. She has already begun to help me, we've walked and worked out and honestly, I am feeling better already. I'm excited to see what will come along for me. I was thinking tonight not only will she help me with my weight loss but in helping me there I will begin to feel better about myself and then my confidence will come back and maybe someday, "Taniss" will totally emerge again. LOL. Amazing how life and work and people can drag you down until you don't even recognize yourself and you have nothing left and they don't even realize the damage they are pouring onto you. It's sad.

I was talking with Lezli Sunday afternoon and we were talking about God and church and such and we begin to talk about sacrifice, I don't think I realized it until recently exactly what was happening but inside there has been a stirring, for the deep things of God, it's been there to an extent for years but it's like lately I'm not just longing for it, something is calling me, reaching for me. I've been to that place before and it's a closer walk with God. I loved it, being close to Jesus is more important to me than anything, I've said it a million times. The past few weeks I've been praying asking God to draw me deeper and the things and people I have to leave behind, give me the strength to give them up. See, recently several of my long time friends and I have just drifted away from each other. I tried to keep contact and they were always so busy, family and work, social activities, etc. At first it hurt and then I remembered back then... When lonliness was common, people didn't understand me and only Jesus mattered. Sacrifice!!! I told Lezli the more we sacrifice or the greater the sacrifice it seems the closer to God we get. I know the sacrifice, I've been there before, to my flesh it hurts, I don't want too... But to be close to God, for that amazing anointing to fall over me once again, to find that place where HE finds me. Am I willing to sacrifice it all again? It hurts, it's lonely, people think you strange...

Time to choose.