Marissa

So my "sister", best known as my bestest friend had her baby on Feb 24th in the evening. That is 10 days late, YIKES!!!

Marissa Brielle Gruber
February 24, 2009
9lbs 9 1/2oz
Just over 21 inches long

Now that is a big baby. LOL. Rissa was less than a pound away from weighing as much as her Uncle Dusty did when he was born. BIG babies.

I'm so glad Misty is fine and resting. Her Mom was able to go up and stay with her. I can't wait to go visit. Looks like I'll be headed that way in about a month!!! I can't wait. It's been 3 years at least since I've got to go to Kansas it's time for a trip.

Awww, I have a new niece

My bestest friend (we grew up all our lives together and are more like sisters) Misty Gruber had her baby tonight. I couldn't understand on the message what her name is but she was 9lbs and 9 1/2 inches, I believe and was 21 inches long. I'll have to update that tomorrow after I talk to her in person. I hate north Kansas being so far away. You can be sure I'm headed to Kansas soon. LOL. I've never seen Jacob in person and he is 2 years old. Jonathon is like almost 5. Time flies.

I'm so glad the baby is here an Misty if fine. Can't wait until she can send me pics

Biggest Loser

So, a friend told me about a reality show on TV. I went online and located the episodes for each season and call me carnal if you want too, but I watched them (there is my confession this week, LOL. Except I don't feel sorry. LOL). It was The Biggest Loser. My friend felt like it would help me on my dieting. I loved it!!!

People are going on that show at my weight and much heavier and 8-12 months later they are at their goal weights. I have lost 20lbs this year so far and I need to lose 100lbs to get to my long term goal weight. That is alot of weight.

I was talking to Ruby today and we were talking about losing weight and how being overweight feels and how you get treated because you are obese. It's really sad, people don't always mean to but they can say some really cruel things. I'm very shy and so I tend to close in on myself and rejection is more than I can handle. Because I have a very low opinion of myself and my body/looks, I don't put myself out there because rather you realize it or not, how you see yourself is how you think others see you.

I have one friend that is morbidly obese, I suppose you could say, not being ugly we talked about it and it's true. Then I have friends that are skinny minny's. I accept them as they are. I don't see them as different sizes and they in turn accept me for me. The whole world isn't that way sad to say. I watched these people lose huge amounts of weight in a few weeks. I realized that the more they lost the better they saw themselves as. It hit home, that is what I want. I want to look in the mirror and not see a huge fat person, but a person I can be proud of. That is why I've been working so hard at my diet. Now my whole family is on board plus some friends.

I want to do this for me and my health. It's not for my Mom, who is always ready to give her opinion of my body, and it's not for the guys that have said really cruel things about me being overweight, it's not because anyone wants this for me. This is FOR ME!!! I am focusing on me and my health and body for the first time in my life. It's a strange feeling.

Tonight everyone came over and weighed for the first time. It was great!!! We had a great time, figuring out our goal weights and daily calorie intake. LOL, now I'm working out in my room and feel like I'm dying. LOL. Everyday is easier though.

Ruby and Chuck are looking at renewing their vows in August. I am so happy for them, I think that would be a positive thing for them. I told Ruby today I would be proud to stand up with them as long as I got to wear a BEAUTIFUL dress to show off all my weight loss. My weight goal is 5lbs every 2 weeks, that isn't such a huge number so if I can pull that off at least as an average I could lose 50lbs by then. Now that is a huge number. I'm not counting on that and if it looks like I'm pulling smaller numbers I'll be fine with that also, another 20lbs in 6 month time would be fine with me. I would love to have lost 100lbs by this time next year but it seems kind of out of reach to me. So for now I'm focusing on my 2 1/2 lbs each week. That is a number I can do because I've been reaching my 5lbs every 2 week goal before my 2 weeks are up. That gives me some pride about myself.

It's all a lifestyle change. So far this year I've not worked my butt off or anything like that when I really think about it and I've lost 20lbs. So that is just making healthier decisions. Which now it's serious there is $280 on the line. LOL. Our biggest loser will take home either $160 after 1 month OR $280 after 2 months. So it fierce. My Mom and my sister in law can drop the lbs when they need to. Then Ruby can really drop weight when she puts her mind to it. I've seen her do it before. So I have to really work at this.

I've been overweight all my life. I don't remember when I didn't shop in the plus size area. I was a young teen for sure so this is huge for me. I think it will be really good for my self image and help me come out of this shell I live in. Tonight one of the episodes I watched they were talking about the 2 kinds of obese people. One kind is angry and because they hate themselves and hate the way they look, etc. It causes them to have so much anger inside and they "protect" themselves by using that anger towards everyone and everything. The other kind of obese person is the person that is really nice and always smiling. Everyone says "look they have it all together and being overweight doesn't bother them." All the while that person is dying silently inside and smiling on the outside so the world thinks they are OK. That is me most of the time. Plus rather than put myself out there to make friends I close in and protect myself. I know what it's like to be invited to somewhere and be lonely in the crowd. Where people talk around you, you try to join in and it's like they don't even acknowledge that you spoke, it's not intentional, in my head I know that my somewhere down inside my emotions or my psych, it doesn't compute right and it's rejection all over again. I'm still the chubby person, the fat person that can't shop in the normal clothes.

So this journey is more serious than it was a week or a month ago. I"m in this to win it. LOL.

What a Scare!!!

What a scare I had today. Since I've been sick I've not been going anywhere. Saturday morning Mom came in and asked to use my car so she wouldn't have to stop and get gas and also mine was behind hers. Sunday morning she pulled my car in the yard and took hers to church.

Sooooo, I go out this morning to go to work and my car won't start. Mom took me to work and picked me up and I worried all day about what could be wrong.

Got home and still wouldn't start it tried too but didn't every really start. Someone said the starter went out, maybe. Someone else the fuel pump. So I went home being the woman I am and since no men could tell me the problem I went online looking for a solution. So I ran across several forums where they were talking about flooding out an Altima. So I ran out and told my Dad perhaps it was flooded. He and his buddy that was here said, no if it was flooded this am it would be fine by now. I kept telling them what I was reading but I'm just a female so I obviously know NOTHING. Ha!!! So I went back in and kept reading more about it, one person, probably some female like me, LOL, asked what to do and asked that he explain it in detail. The tech did so on this forum, explaining how far to push down the peddle and how long to keep trying, etc. He also noted that they might check their fuses.

So with this new bit of knowledge I went to the kitchen and told my Dad we were goign out to check fuses. I had no clue but I got my flashlight and I was ready to go (I was getting desperate) he griped complained and basically said it was a waste of time and I was going to have to come to terms with the fact I was going to have to pay a tow company to haul my car to the mechanic. I was panicing, there is no money for something big, so I was saying silent prayers and out I went. Dad knew he might as well follow or I would try to figure it out and really kill the car. I got the fuse cover off and he said to take out the fuse for the fuel injector so I figured out which one it is and I broke a nail trying to get it out, I was getting really frustrated. So, Dad decided he would take it out and he couldn't get it out either so he was going to find something to get it out and I was still talking about what I had read on the net and he finally said get out, and so I would SHUT UP about it he got in and did what I was trying to do and guess what. You are so right, my car started. LOL. It was flooded out. So I did a little WOMEN RULE dance and had a great laugh because everyone was trying to make me out to be a fool and I knew what I was talking about. My stupid uncle even got smart with me about it being because I don't keep enough gas in my car, I'm not a freaking paranoid idiot. So I'm very happy.

What happens for some reason with Nissan Altima's, they had told me if I sit and warm my car up for at least a minute before I take off I would get better gas mileage, something to do with the oil, I'm a statistics fanatic, I love numbers and graphes and such, so my car will tell me all kinds of cool stuff, as most cars do now days. I love how it gives me miles per gallon and I enjoy trying to beat the most miles I've gotten so far. So of course I've been sitting and letting the car warm up first.

Well, it's a smart thing to do for Altima owners. In Altimas 2002-2006 (mines an 06) if you start the car and then kill in and it doesn't run for more than a minute the oil doesn't have time to warm up and being thick from the cold somehow, I don't understand, but it floods out the car and you have to follow the steps to blow it out.

Altima's are strange cars, actually Nissans in general. My heat and a/c works great moving but if I stopped at a redlight it would blow cold air if I had the heat on and hot air if the a/c was on. My brother had the same problem with his Pathfinder which is in that same year span. Come to find out a bubble gets in some pipe/tube, whatever, and causes that. You have to park on an incline and do something and it fixes it. So our heat and a/c's work great now. LOL.

Now I have this "clunk" under the hood it sounds like and guess what there are hundreds of Altima owners out there with the same "clunk" there are 2 things to cause it and my car will soon hopefully be "clunk" free. LOL.

So my car is well and I'm so proud to have figured out the problem!!! Tell me girls can't figure it out. I am soon going to have to change the brakes again. Last time Dad sat out there and walked me through it, but I'm thinking perhaps I should try to fly solo this time. LOL, I love showing the guys I can do it also, it's my Weatherford blood, LOL, if a guy can do it so can I. LOL,I think it's called femanatzi's. LOL. I can't help the fact I have a family of strong women, the bad part is when they collapse they really collapse.

Leave Comments

Ok, so I had the saddest thing today on my blog results. I have feedjit and it tells me about the people visiting my blog, where they are from how they arrived and how they left, the time, etc. It's really neat. I have no clue who it really is but I love statistics so it's right up my alley.

Oh, by the way, thank god for typing. LOL. I've been very sick and have NO voice, yeah, I'm whispering, literally!!! My throat is so raw.

Anyways, so I was looking at it tonight and came across the saddest thing ever, I wished that I could see specifics on who comes and goes. Someone accessed my blog via google search. They searched for "homeschooling lonliness I hate my mom". My heart goes out to that school age kid that is so lonely. It's amazing that we would have to search for that.

I don't know if they will ever stumble across my blog again or not, if so I hope they contact me. Homeschooling is a great thing, however it can be extremely lonely. For me, I knew it was something my family was called to do and I'm thankful that my parents were willing to make that sacrifice.

That made me think of the people that come and go from my blog and thought it would be interesting to hear from them. So leave comments, I love to read them!!! Maybe I can encourage the next kid that stumbles across my blog and is lonely or hating their Mom. First off they don't really hate their Mom, they are just upset. I had more than my share of those days.

To parents I can only say don't be so hard you can't enjoy this time in your life.

New Gaither Vocal Band

Gasp!!! David Phelps is back!!! So I guess that means I'll be back to listening to it. LOL. I'm so very happy but keep forgetting to write about it.

How many years was I mad fun of as a teenager for listening to Southern Gospel or Christian Country music. Twas all my life, folks. However I'm not "hardcore" "White Gospel" as it is now being termed. How hilarious is that. LOL. OK, I enjoy country type music, make that love it. Then in the "Southern Gospel" realms, I enjoyed The Gaither Vocal Band, The Martins, The Crabb Family. When it comes down to quartets, I enjoy watching them but no CD's please. I won't listen to them.

So imagine my surprise when I went to Mark Lowry's website last month and saw his "rambling" about Mark, David Phelps and Michael English joining back up with Bill Gaither. Oh my!!!!!! Guess I'll head back, I LOVE listening to David, his latest album isn't so "religous" per se but boy oh boy is it lovely. My parents hate that long hair, but who can't love them curls. LOL. I'm so jealous of his curls.

So just thought I would comment on how HAPPY I am. That will draw me RIGHT BACK to those Homecoming concerts. Hehe. Now you know.

Time Machine

So I'm sitting here listening to a tape. Ok, tonight my Mom came in and handed me a cassette tape by Bro. Garrett. It's called The Solemn Feast and he preached it August 1993 at Legacy Holiness Conference. That is the Conference our church hosted each year in Balch Springs where I grew up. Mom said she thought I would enjoy it because it really spoke about how I'm feeling right now.

He is preaching about hell being present even when you are doing nothing wrong. He talked about how sometimes our wounds are so deep and hell won't let up. It's amazing how something that has been bothering me so strongly and desperately was brought out in that sermon. He talked about how in his text the Bible spoke of when you went in the gate of the temple you left through a different gate. He said it's time to quit coming to church and leaving the same way we came in. It's time Christians stopped going home still hurt and dry. This sermon was preached almost 16 years ago but it rings so true.

Something else he said that really struck me was that there were people there that if they weren't careful they were going to wake up one day and realize that they had lost it and not even know where it went. Mom commented how true it was. It made me really sad that the power my former church had is gone and we don't know where it went. Even sadder is this, it's not our fault it left. I listened to the whole sermon through and then I asked Mom, is there churches like that anymore? I can't explain it to you if you've never had it you can't understand it. But you know how if you have something really neat and you lose it how much you miss it and you will try to find it and if you can't you might try to replace it but can't find anything that fits. So you go through life with this feeling of loss.

I'll be honest I don't understand, it's very confusing to me. I was recently talking to a friend that said when she was feeling the same way she was told times change. I can't take that, I'm sorry, I was there, I felt that power, that anointing and because of sin in the leadership of our church it left and the hurt and wounds that are left are so deep. We think that be punishment being handed out it will heal our wounds but my belief is that there is more to it then just someone receiving what is handed out. It's that we lost more than just a building and the pews, we lost a level in God that I've not found. I don't know how to even get back there. I think in my mind perhaps once everything was over it would be back but it wasn't.

My Mom had to really do some talking to get me to listen because I am sitting here listening to people backing up the preacher and I can pick out voices. It's funny how much I had tucked away and forgotten until I was listening and the memories come pouring back in like floods.

Here is something to think about that Bro. Garrett said. "You have a facade up that everything is OK, you are too quick to smile and say things are good"

It has made me realize how much I have to depend on God. Sometimes He is all we have.

Good Night

I HATE being sick.

Why is it every time I work out really hard I get really sick. For real, I mean my poor body. LOL. I have this little sore throat that I'm assuming is allergy related. Well after walking 3285 steps in 30 minutes, I'm dying here. My poor throat feels like a mad porcipine when down it.

I feel much better in the BP department though, even after working out HARD, my BP was just a little high so that was good, Saturday night I was skitzing out on my Mom. I guess when your BP is 164 over 108 you start acting a little funny. LOL. I was spacing out and getting really sick. I hate having a sensitive system, they put my on water pills and if I take them like I'm suppose to I start passing out, what gives with that? I'm so stupid, I even drank my water and got sick. If I don't take my water pills I'm all puffy if I do I'm not puffy but I pass out. So puffy I shall be. Plus we were at a seminar and ate lunch, that is almost more than my poor anti-social self can take. LOL. They say the best thing is to put yourself in the uncomfortable situations and even if you leave early to stay long enough to get past the panic. LOL. So I did good, LOL, I ate lunch in a room full of people with leaving the whole thing on my plate. The food was good too. LOL.

You should here Carmello snoring. LOL. She is in the "Fun Room" and I'm in my bedroom and I hear this loud snoring and went to see if it was my Dad asleep, NOPE, twas Carmy, my 21 year old yellow long haired tabby. LOL. She snores like no other. It's hilarious!!!

Well, looks like I have 4 new cats, since Begeara brought his family down to live here. I mean it's not like I didn't have enough and I'm trying to do the whole "responsible animal owner" thing and get them fixed but they are showing up faster than I can afford to fix. LOL. Patches is beautiful and her 3 kitten are just adorable. They are warming up to me. I named the black one Licorice and the Tortise Shell or Calico, whichever she is Peanut Butter Fudge (after my first Torise Shell cat named Fudge) and then the white one has a black ear and a black tail and she still needs a name, I figure I have enough human named cats so I'm going back to candy. If they are going to keep showing up I'll have to name them so they know who I'm talking too. LOL.

I may get to go to New York soon. I've been to New York once and said that was plenty that is one very crazy place. I'm not big on chaos and lots of people I'm the one that hates shopping malls because there are just too many people.

I'm working on writing about a mental disorder that seems to be in a gene in our family. The more I deal with it the more I realize how real mental disorders really are. I used to believe, because I was told, that metal illnesses were in your head but I'm learning more and more that they are not always that way. Sometimes it is caused by a chemical imbalance in your body that causes your mental being to not work as it should. It's something that my extended family fights (by extended I mean, aunts/uncles, cousins, great-aunts/uncles, grandparents, great grandparents, etc.). I have always fought emotional or mental issues and as most of you know recently my Mom went through a period of time where she was going crazy, literally. Turns out because of the mass around her thyroid, it doesn't always work as it should and creates a chemical imbalance, therefore her breakdown. I have listened to the stories of my great grandmother and her time in a mental hospital. I remember her as a lady of few words but tons of nervous energy. She was a poet and Shaker, she went against her religion in marrying my great grandfather only to learn that he had another family and his time was split between his 2nd family and his first family before divorce. It was too much for her fragile system and she had a nervous breakdown. We have made mental illness such a taboo that people are scared to share that they experience this. I believe it's something that people need to be open and honest about. It's very real illnesses that at times require medication. It's nothing to be embarrassed about, get the help you need regardless of what others think.

So that is the reason I've not been writing much lately I'm writing some, it's just not on here for all to see and I'm doing alot of reading and talking to people. But thanks for reading and asking. LOL.

Oh, I'm trying a new shampoo. I got in the shower the other night to discover that wonderful mother had borrowed my shampoo and had not returned it. LOL. Yeah!! So I went in search of some samples, dripping wet, in my bathroom. You know the little samples you get in the mail or at shows. Well, I found this sample of John Frieda's Brilliant Brunette Shampoo and Conditioner, tried it and LOVED it. My hair was so healthy feeling and beautiful and my gray was just that gray but my browns and red highlights (they are natural) were so alive. Then I added the Shine Shock and WOWZER!!! Talk about loving your hair. Problem, it's like $6 a bottle. Yeah, bummer. I bought some though, LOL, it has a light reflector in it. What is that??? I guess I'll find out I just washed my hair with it. Hmmm, waitin for it to dry. LOL. I'll keep you posted.

I'm so not high maintenance but I'm more into girly stuff than I was for awhile. Plus, my closet is clean so all is right in my world. LOL. Don't ask why but when my closet and bookshelf is in order my whole work can be in order. I've already mentioned that in a previous post. But I cleaned it with my Mom's help andI sent everyone elses "storage" out. They have to find new storage and my closet is now organized and beautiful. My shoes are all in their little plastic storage boxes. I have to figure out something for my bags and purses. I'm thinking on a little shelf type thing. Haven't figured it out yet, but that is OK, they are in decent order for now. **sigh**. How nice.

COUNT DOWN!!! Chantry and Tiffany get their new house a week from today. I am sooooooo excited. Have I mentioned that before? LOL.

Catching Up

I have been lax about writing but life stays soooo busy. I'm trying desperately to lose weight and my Wii and I are very close. I walked 3000 steps last night in 30 minutes. So cool!!! I'm very sore though.

My animals keep me so busy. Yesterday I had Rowdy out walking him and just spending with him outside his fences. He was eating grass and his lips and nose would get muddy, that onry horse wiped his nose on the mail I had in my hand and went back to eating. LOL. When I wouldn't let him do it again he wiped his nose ON ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL. I love that horse.

Well, lots of exciting things going on in my family. Chantry and Tiffany are moving to Cedar Hill in 2 weeks. I'm so excited if I was a puppy I would pee on the floor, **snicker**. The house is beautiful. I'll have pics up as soon as they get the key on the 16th. I can NOT tell you how excited I am for them. My brother is my bestest friend and my sister in law is right up there with him. I love them so much. The fact they are going to be living 20 minutes from my house!!!!EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKK!! That is a good eek. LOL. I told Chantry there was a new phrase he would have to learn and that is "Taniss, would you please go home". LOL

My Mom went to a new ENT doctor with the mass in her neck. He said the surgery is very tricky because the tumor has literally grown around everything, even her trachea (sp?). So he is putting her on some meds to try and shrink the mass. She goes back in 2 months to see if the meds are working, if they are they will continue that treatment. If not they will talk about other solutions, if it has grown AT ALL, they will do emergency surgery. He said the surgery is tricky that is why her former doctor was so keyed up about it all. This new doctor is on the list of the top ENT's in North Texas. So she feels much better about it all.

Dad's health is up and down, every little thing just drags him down. He never feels well. We are makign him eat better and his BP is much better, it should be with all the meds he is on. He is pretty close to being totally blind right now. He is getting steriod shots in his eyeballs to take down the swelling and then the eye he had surgery on will have to have a cateract removed and the other eye a laser surgery to sear closed the leaky vessels. Then they said he should be able to see much better. That is very good news. Now if we could get him mobile to help with his health.

Camdon Update #9

Ok, I just realized I haven't given a final Camdon report.

He is home and NO OXYGEN!!!! Thank you Jesus. I talked to Regina Saturday night and they hadn't been home long.

I know God touched him!!! It's everyones prayers that pulled him through adn we are thankful.