I have lived so long trying to become good enough for my family, my friends, for a church, for a ministry and so on. It's crazy to think about really, so many wasted years because as christians we want to put on the mask of being the perfect christian. We can dress right, go above and beyond every rule hoping that this time I'll be accepted, this time they will love me for who I am and just love me. Then as time goes by and I don't meet up to the expectations I have decided they have for me I do them a favor and I move on. I mean seriously who would want to love a failure, a horrible christian. Sadly, I'm not the only one out there wondering how I can be better so that maybe the next person, the next church will see through the pain I carry to who I am. I'm broken, I'm hurting, I've never learned how to be good enough or loud enough or let's be real... fake enough.
So I decided to be me and guess what? I feel like I let yet another group of people down, once again I couldn't figure out how to be good enough, though they may not feel this way, I accept the words that cut into me so deeply. My attendance isn't good enough, I'm not involved enough, I don't do enough, talk enough, pray enough, sing enough, or so I tell myself.
All I have wanted for 20 years was to love and be loved and I've searched far and wide and yet I stand at a crossroads now it really doesn't matter which road I take this time, I leave nothing behind.
I don't know how to be a good christian, I don't know how to do ministry correctly, I don't know how to fit in, I don't know how to find my place because it's lonely out here and I was raised very strongly to NEVER make a way for yourself. God will raise you up if you need it, never man. Problem is I'm learning God can raise you up, He can bless you and it's the loneliest place you can ever live.
The loneliest part is people don't know, they have no idea what life is like. The struggle, the sick parent that leaves you laying in bed hoping they get stronger and not continue the decline. No one sees the tears of frustration as you find a place to just be alone to reach out to anyone that will chat for a moment because you need a break, no one sees the parent in the floor unable to get up and it taking every ounce of strength to try and get them up and you aren't strong enough. No one sees that fear of what will happen if I fail? No one sees the nights of worry as you listen to someone being violently ill and wonder what can fix it? The fear of losing someone and watching the decline of the next. It happens so quickly. Then you paste that smile on your face and tell the world everything is OK, it's not, everything isn't OK, sometimes I'm scared. How much time is left? Can I research a little more?
Then the anxiety tries to creep in because I'm pushing, I'm trying to become everything I hear everyone say a christian needs to be but I can't. I'm too tired, my mind is tired, my body is tired... maybe my faith is tired