Can We Be Good Enough?

After watching a live video a couple weeks ago with tears pouring because she was saying things that I related to so strongly! She recommended people that related watch Bro Wrights series on YouTube called Shame. 🤭

I never understood why I carry guilt or shame when I don’t have sins nor have I been taken advantage of, yet I live everyday feeling like I can’t live up to what “church & religion” expects of me, yet my life has been lived trying desperately to do everything perfectly! My prayer has always been to just be used but felt like a little wisp that no one even knew I existed. I listen, back it up listen to some parts again. I’m thankful for this shutdown because what if I never took time to slow down and watch her video I would have never realized all my “good” was me trying to be good enough for everyone. Then when I realize I can’t I walk away because I can’t live up to their expectations and our life can get pretty heavy with health and the boys family, etc.

Maybe I just needed to “say” it to someone. For so long I thought to find acceptance in a church, be a good Christian. That if a church would accept me and love me I would finally feel good enough, sadly it's quite the opposite. I was left feeling more alone and more broken.

I moved place to place because when I wasn't good enough for church A, I did them a good service and moved on to church B. Sometimes I wonder why people like me aren't identified. We are searching and not understanding the why's or hows. All we are really looking for is someone that can stop and say "hey, it's going to be ok" and really mean it. Someone who can look beyond the well groomed Christian lady to the broken and hurting person inside. Just because I was raised in church all my life doesn't mean I have it all together, quite the opposite... church broke me. Today I'm careful, I don't trust it to much but someday maybe I'll be able to stand tall and strong knowing who's I am!

Am I healed? Not totally but for about 19 years I've tried to find my way. Interestingly enough I never felt like my issue was with God. He's awesome, He's amazing, He's blessed me way beyond what I deserve.