Pain... Some Wounds Don't Heal

So last night I experienced a moment or moments of the most intense, excruciating pain I have ever experienced in years. Literally took my breath away, kept me awake all night and had me in tears most of today. What hurt so bad? That's the worst part, it wasn't physical, I can't take a Tylenol or Aleve and take the pain away or even diminish it. Unless God heals I guess it's a wound that will never heal. Funny thing is I thought I was handling it all really well, coping I guess. Yet in a split second memories and feelings not only began to march through my mind but I could feel the loss, a great loss, a loss I've regretted for over 20 years, a loss I can't regain. Now I have to learn to pick up the pieces yet again and figure out how to put all of this life that a moment of time was enough to overflow the box I have carefully kept all those hurts.

Then to learn that people were telling the truth, it wasn't the choice of the one I thought it was. That hurt just as much to know, what if it could have been different. All the years I've lost because I thought something was wrong with me, I wasn't enough. All the what if's and it's all begun again. To try to sort through all I lost that I didn't even understand why, I think it hurts worse knowing it could have been difference.

Now I have to look around and life through this moment in time without letting it comsume me. The pain is so intense. If only I had known...

Learning

So this week has been a really odd week.

Mom and I had a talk about me. Yeah, I know a very sensitive topic. LOL. However, we were going through old pictures and discovered I was very sad for a large part of my life and in talking about it Mom discovered the beginning of the sad part of me. A vacation we took when my Dad had recently lost his job due to the company closing & he had begun the journey of Myasthenia Gravis but we didn't know what was wrong yet. I was probably 12-13 and from that year and years on my pictures were of me sad, pain in my eyes, frumpy, and every gaining weight. Weird how things can have such a lasting impact on your life and you don't even realize it.

I'm 37 years old and this year is the first time I've really taken control of my life, stood up for myself and I've began to learn how to love me and find a place where I'm happy. You would have just had to have been there. LOL.

Do You Know What Happy Feels Like?

Last night I went out with friends and for the first time in years, I had energy, I had fun, I laughed, acted crazy & stupid, took pictures and didn't think ugh!

Happy is an amazing feeling!!!

I saw this on a post by Proverbs 31 Ministries and saved it as the screensaver on my phone!!! Just to remind me of all of God's promises and the recent prophetic words I've received in my life by men & women that do not know me or my past, present or future!!! God has a work for me and I have the answers I've just got to move forward, take the first step. Then this word came on FB from P31 that even though I still feel confused about the way or what doors to take, God is giving me light for this step. If I will just TRUST God & take a step, He will light the way.

He has taken us down a path the last 4-6 weeks financially that I wasn't sure we would survive. Yet He has proven to me each time that He has a plan and when I've exhausted all of my means, HE will make a way but it's always in a way that we think it's impossible and then there it is... unexpectedly. Sometimes, I am so stressed, scared and worried that I forget to even reach out to God in a verbal prayer, yet He knows my hearts cry and He understands.

Other times, like Sunday night, I just prayed a simple prayer. There was no mighty move of God with thunder & lightening, I didn't get up and run around or shout a jig. I just prayed a prayer! Simple as that! I thanked Him for what He has done for us in the last few weeks of holding us when we were falling apart, catching us as we fell, loving me when I felt all alone and unloveable. Then I reminded Him of the ways my family members are working for Him, we volunteer & minister in different way. We are living life in the best way we know how, learning our lessons, passing our tests and learning to lean on Him & TRUST!!! In like 5 minutes that prayer was answered. I had tears in my eyes as I realized one more time God had reached down and proved His love & showed me I can rest in Him & trust. I'm on a journey, I don't know what all He has for me, but I do know that the way is a little clearer than it was a few weeks ago, He feels a little closer than He was yesterday. I'm still learning, learning to take care of my "temple", learning to love myself, learning to not lean to others opinions of me for affirmation or my self esteem. Just to be me, to be the best me I can with God's help. 

God Promised!!!

WOW, Life Has Changed!!!

LOL. So I have had so many changes in my life. For the moment it's exactly what I had to do to save myself!!! Stress was killing me.

Now I'm home and caring for my family. I'm the House Manager and in some sick way (LOL) I'm enjoying it. LOL. Organizing, cleaning, caring suits me well!!!

I'm losing weight, my BP is running low (never heard of for me) spending quality time with my family, taking care of my Dad and Grandmother while my Mom goes to school aside from her work. It's a way of life that is totally new to me but it's not too bad. :-)

Sunday I join 33,000 other women for a online Bible study called Made To Crave.

I desire a deeper relationship with God!!!

For now that's all. Gotta get my Dad picked up at dialysis, the kitchen, office, living room and my room are clean!!! LOL. Life keeps marching on.

Later Gators!!!