Heal the Wounds but Leave the Scar

So if you have read the previous 2 posts you know what a spiritual, emotional and mental struggle I have been in. All you who ask "You OK?" No, I wasn't, I lied. However, I still don't know or understand this battle I am in. It's like everything is mentally or emotionally coming in on me. Wednesday on the way home I was listening to KVTT, I am not a fan of that station, no offense, I had flipped through all my stations and KCBI had some talk thing on talking about personal ministries or some such, didn't catch my interest so I flipped to KLTY and they were playing the same songs they play a million times everyday and I'm sorry get a bigger selection or something. WOW, so I flipped to KVIL and something like the BeeGee's were playing and I just wasn't in the mood to listen to some old group from my Mom's era so I hit KVTT and Breakthrough by Tommy Walker was playing and I LOVE that song so I left I stopped there. The next song was one I didnt' think I had ever heard called Heal the Wounds but Leave the Scar. I sat in my car with the radio blasting outrageously loud and listened intently to the words. WOW, what an awesome song. I got home and turned on my laptop to see who was singing it and it was Point of Grace. They have some really good songs and I enjoy them but I'm not the fan that runs out and buys their CD's as they come out. LOL. I got home and decided to see if I had that song by Point of Grace on my laptop and I did. I don't have very much of their stuff but a friend had saved a ton of music to my computer for me and I guess it was something from there.

You know we all carry scars from the past regardless if it was fault of our own or others. My deepest wounds were not of my own making but the hurt that the mistakes of others brought me are wounds none the less that I wish I could erase. To end that stigma of "where I came from" and it was a church. LOL. Do you know I have struggled more since it's over than I did when it was ongoing because you can deny all your hurts and struggles because the real truth is unknown and honestly we will NEVER know the total truth, everyone has secrets they carry with them. We may lay out the outer edges for others to see but most of the time people keep their deepest hurts and secrets hidden because we don't want others to see the pain we endure. That shows a weakness and we want others to think we are strong.

I realized while listening to that song, it is once again a reminder that we can forgive and be forgiven but we will never forget but the scars or the memories are reminders of God's mercy and grace. I know that this trial I'm in isn't over but for some reason God wants me to go through this. I believe it's for many reasons, He is teaching me to trust Him, to become my own person not the person my family wants me to be. He is also bringing healing to me through all pain and like last night He showed me that He isn't gone He is still there and He is the same God He was 10-12 years ago. He has also taught me I can't depend on man or put too much of my trust in man, I have to give it all to Him.

I recently talked to a friend about one of the things I struggle with regarding worship and she had the same thing. She said she had come to a place where she had to get past what others did or thought and do what she knows to do and that was to draw close to God. I felt somewhat encouraged by her words and we agreed that in our service we would just give our all in worship and I knew I was desperate.

I talk through everything with my brother and he actually had a conversation with our Pastor because we thought perhaps our church didn't believe in deep worship to God with dancing and running. We see a tad of it but I grew up where that was the norm and the end of our service last night wasn't a once in a blue moon experience it was a normal occurence and you could pour yourself out before God and when He picked up your fragile offerings of praise He would replace it with a wonderful JOY. I was raised in a church that ended up with a lot of failures but failures usually result in our human-ness trying to be in control instead of letting God. My former Pastors taught us to prayer into a deepness of God and to have Faith that was unfettered that God could and would do anything, if we ask believing in unity. I struggle with the fact we lost that. I heard of a conversation a minister that used to preach at my old church had with a minister that didn't know us that well and they talked about the power and anointing the church had. His words were "if you can say a church had it going on that one did". The devil knew that and he found the weak places and exploited them to his advantage and tore it down. I know what we had and you can't explain it in words, I couldn't figure out how to get back. Then Bro. Wilkin preached about tuning in and I thought that's is. Problem is we don't want to be the one to step out and be the odd ball. But last night as I was praying and I felt so close to God, I didn't care about anyone or anything because it was there, that closeness to God I have been so desperate for. I had just never tuned in. I know I'm not the only one thinking along these lines and I believe God is going to start to show His glory and His power, I can only ask that He give me my joy back. Heal my wounds but go ahead and leave the scars so I'll remember these moments and never take His power and spirit for granted. I want my nephews and niece to grow up seeing the things I saw as a child. I'm realizing it's not in material things or in what we as humans can do, it's all what Gd can do.

When I think about growing up in church I always think back to my Memaw and the walk she had with God, it came at a great price and sacrifice. She lost her husband when her kids (Mom, Ronnie & Brenda) were small. Had to watch my Mom be hit by a car and go through all the recovery that comes with that, surgeries and skin graphs. Lost her teenage son to achohol poisoning when he was 19, she found him in our driveway in the backseat of our car and it was too late to save him. See her own mother in a mental hospital because of a nervous breakdown. Marry a man that just didn't have it together and caused grief and pain to others. Lose a pastor to sin when my Mom and Dad were preparing to marry. To support her family alone most of the time but she lived for God. My memories of her are in her rocking chair in her bedroom holdign my cousins praying over them, or sitting out by her fish pond reading her Bible. The stongest memories in my mind were her faith that God would heal her. He didnt' heal her here but she received the ultimate healing because He chose to take her on home. I'll never forget hearing her pray at church, I remember during worship service her and a couple other ladies would get out and begin to march around the church praying. I can remember her last service in church we had been bringing her in and laying her on a couch so she could be in church and they asked her to sing. I think my Dad helped her to the side of the platform and then that Weatherford stubborness kicked in and she walked to the pulpit alone and sang from Isaiah, they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength they shall mount upon wings as an eagle. Not long after that she past away from colon cancer on a Sunday afternoon. Her funeral was amazing. They sang and preached but they were singing a song and I can't remember what song it was but the spirit of God begin to flowing into that building and we begin to stand and worship are rejoice that even though we lost her to soon, she was only 51, she was pain free and right where she wanted to be. I'll never forget as long as I live when my Dad was on the platform singing and he took off running and the place exploded in dancing and running. It was just like her life, glorifying God in worship. People that didn't understand thought we were crazy as the family worshipped God and danced before Him because we have hope!!! We miss her today but someday we will all be together again in Heaven and I can't wait to hear her whoop. Because she made it home, all the things in her life made her strong and showed us that looked to her as our example that we can make it, there is nothing the devil can throw at us that we can't overcome if we try hard enough. I'll never forget listening to her pray, I can truly say she was a prayer warrior and a woman of God. I wish I could become half the woman she was in God. See she left a legacy for us to remember and live by and know that she is up there somewhere rooting for us to make it home.

Bro. Davis used to say God bottles up all the prayers we pray and he would tell us when we were having a hard time to pray and ask God to open up one of Memaw's prayers and let her prayers resonate in our lives. I like that to think all these years later that her prayers for my future when I was only 11 years old can have an affect today. In September it will be 20 years since God took her home. One thing I'll always know is Memaw I miss you but I know if you could make it so can I.

I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then'
I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

I am reminded of something Sis Davis used to teach us in Sunday School as a teenager. God takes us through things for many reasons. She used to say when you are facing dark days or tough struggles remember God has something planned for your life and He puts us through things in order that we can help others through because we have been there. It's hard to understand things others go through if we haven't experienced them ourselves. I like to joke with my Mom, makes her roll her eyes at me over my craziness, obviously God must have big things for me to do with all He puts me through. LOL. All kidding aside though He knows our future and He can see what we can not see so though our days may be dark I believe when the sun shines again it will be brighter than ever before.