I'm Having a Moment, excuse me please.

WARNING:

What to do? I am a very, perhaps complicated is the word, person and where most people externalize their feelings through some method or form. I tend to internalize my feelings, some pour out onto paper or my blog but those things are the minor ones that. Then there are deeper things that you can't or don't want to put out for all to read and discuss. But how do you then find help for all the things that roll around in your head?

I don't usually externalize my feelings. If I do you know things have gotten out of control and the only thing I know to do is put it on paper. Somehow that gives me a little bit of relief. I am crazy right now, like out of control kind of crazy. I left my stuff at work I was in such a fog when I left work, kind of crazy.

Growing up I had dreams like every other kid, mine weren't huge or exaggerated, I was just going to grow up, get married in the church I was raised in, have kids and live for God the best I knew how. When all of those dreams shattered around my feet 8 years ago, I died inside, I literally gave up on life. Life took alot of twists and turns and here I am. LOL.

I looked at apartments on Sunday, you know when you get that crazy something is wrong. I live at home were I have a nice big room and bathroom and the rent is cheap. LOL. I live a great life, well, except recently I acquired a roomie, yep my Mom moved in. See we have people living with us again so because of my Dad's health stuff he can't lay flat to sleep so he sleeps in his recliner all the time and so Mom gave their bedroom to our newest houseguests and the rest is history. I don't do people well, I like to be alone and I like peace and quiet which can be often found anymore. So for you on Myspace you have traveled the many journeys I've gone on with my Mother and her "lost girls from jail". Long story short after several have lived with us, there will be no more. I'm sure there are some out there that need a leg up and are willing to work hard to get on their feet but the ones before them ruined me. So all of that just caved in on me last weekend. I got too tired and stressed with wedding cakes and the fact that when people live with us I have to give up the usual freedom I have with my niece and nephews. I understand totally but it still hurts, I understand because I would be the same way. My family is and has always been very protective about our kiddos and that is the way it should be, we don't want to ever give a chance for them to be hurt. So though I don't necessarily think we shouldn't be helping these people it gets too me. I'm tired, I'm stressed and it seems that there is always more happening than there is time for. SO...

Sunday I lost it and went crazy on myself. See, the church we go to now is very Very VEry VERy VERY different and I struggle with it more than I would ever admit to anyone in person. Sunday I just didn't care, go up, go down I DON" T CARE!!! I sat through a Sunday night numb. Then I went home and lost it. Monday I made it through the day and then Monday night & Tuesday the reports started rolling onto blogs. All day at work I thought about what I had read and it begin to hit home until when I left work I left all my stuff sitting on my desk. OK, my laptop is my most prized possession and is the home of all my music. Leaving my laptop somewhere because I FORGOT???? Lord, please help me, I am crazily crazy. When we went to weigh in and my laptop was not home, I realized what a fog I am in this week emotionally and mentally. I read a blog about the miracles and healings (of all kinds) and the spirit and power that were at teh UPCI Texas Ladies Conference and how they danced and worshipped in the spirit. The annointed messages they heard and the testimonies that were given in their home churches upon their return. I read their excitment about how they begin to minister to one another and the way the spirit of God moved into their services and the things that were done. I cried!!! I don't get it, I'm miserable and don't care. But I don't want legalism and all the "rules" that are man made. Then I think if that is how I have to live to feel that power again maybe it's worth it. What is right and what is wrong?? Or maybe there isn't a "right and wrong". We get up and sing and it's just a thing we do. I miss going to church because I wanted to go, not because I have to MAKE myself go. I hate all these feelings I have to struggle with. I'm told I'm not alone but you feel alone.

Do you know though I try to just tuck it all away and keep pretending I guess it's too much because I'm not pretending too good anymore. My Mom and I had a serious conversation without her being crazy about the people she is helping. I don't know if I am happy or glad. She even offered to help me get an apartment because maybe I need to go through a time of aloneness to realize I need people in my life. In my head I know that is crazy, I have a great life. I have options, my Mom has offered to get rid of the stuff she stores in one of our barns and turn it into an apartment of sorts. It could be my own apartment without leaving all my beloved animals, which give me joy in my life. I love all my babies. I dont' know what to do, I have been so confused for so many months and so miserable. I pray and I know He hears and He answers but I can't help but think that maybe He is giving me more than I can take this time. I've thought that in times past when we lost everything we had and had to start over, I really thought I could take anymore and then BOOM He gave us so much more than we had ever had before, His blessings far outweighed the trial we had just walked through. I try to remind myself of those things but in the middle of all this chaos it's hard to see the blessings from the past and present. It's hard to to find the strength to keep believing.

I am going to visit my bestfriend in Kansas and my aunt Stephanie is going with me for the weekend, it will be fun to see the new baby and we are hopefully going through Olathe to visit our friends there. Then when I get back I will be taking an 8 day vacation and it will be a alone vacation. I can get a great deal on resort vacations through my parents vacation club thing they are in. Most of the resorts are like beach resorts or ski resorts which are VERY cool, however I don't want to drive forever to get there. LOL. So the next time there is "extra inventory" for Bandera Homestead in South Texas I'm going. Hopefully in the next couple of months before school lets out. I told my parents I may get in my room and not come out for 8 days. LOL. No, seriously, I'm sure I'll spent 3 or 4 days by myself and I'm sure my family will pour in. LOL. Either way I have alot to think about for my future and what better way to do that than in a gorgous room with a awesome view of the Hill Country, or mountains if I end up there. Hehe. I mean come on vacations that cheap need to be used up. LOL.