Biggest Loser

So, a friend told me about a reality show on TV. I went online and located the episodes for each season and call me carnal if you want too, but I watched them (there is my confession this week, LOL. Except I don't feel sorry. LOL). It was The Biggest Loser. My friend felt like it would help me on my dieting. I loved it!!!

People are going on that show at my weight and much heavier and 8-12 months later they are at their goal weights. I have lost 20lbs this year so far and I need to lose 100lbs to get to my long term goal weight. That is alot of weight.

I was talking to Ruby today and we were talking about losing weight and how being overweight feels and how you get treated because you are obese. It's really sad, people don't always mean to but they can say some really cruel things. I'm very shy and so I tend to close in on myself and rejection is more than I can handle. Because I have a very low opinion of myself and my body/looks, I don't put myself out there because rather you realize it or not, how you see yourself is how you think others see you.

I have one friend that is morbidly obese, I suppose you could say, not being ugly we talked about it and it's true. Then I have friends that are skinny minny's. I accept them as they are. I don't see them as different sizes and they in turn accept me for me. The whole world isn't that way sad to say. I watched these people lose huge amounts of weight in a few weeks. I realized that the more they lost the better they saw themselves as. It hit home, that is what I want. I want to look in the mirror and not see a huge fat person, but a person I can be proud of. That is why I've been working so hard at my diet. Now my whole family is on board plus some friends.

I want to do this for me and my health. It's not for my Mom, who is always ready to give her opinion of my body, and it's not for the guys that have said really cruel things about me being overweight, it's not because anyone wants this for me. This is FOR ME!!! I am focusing on me and my health and body for the first time in my life. It's a strange feeling.

Tonight everyone came over and weighed for the first time. It was great!!! We had a great time, figuring out our goal weights and daily calorie intake. LOL, now I'm working out in my room and feel like I'm dying. LOL. Everyday is easier though.

Ruby and Chuck are looking at renewing their vows in August. I am so happy for them, I think that would be a positive thing for them. I told Ruby today I would be proud to stand up with them as long as I got to wear a BEAUTIFUL dress to show off all my weight loss. My weight goal is 5lbs every 2 weeks, that isn't such a huge number so if I can pull that off at least as an average I could lose 50lbs by then. Now that is a huge number. I'm not counting on that and if it looks like I'm pulling smaller numbers I'll be fine with that also, another 20lbs in 6 month time would be fine with me. I would love to have lost 100lbs by this time next year but it seems kind of out of reach to me. So for now I'm focusing on my 2 1/2 lbs each week. That is a number I can do because I've been reaching my 5lbs every 2 week goal before my 2 weeks are up. That gives me some pride about myself.

It's all a lifestyle change. So far this year I've not worked my butt off or anything like that when I really think about it and I've lost 20lbs. So that is just making healthier decisions. Which now it's serious there is $280 on the line. LOL. Our biggest loser will take home either $160 after 1 month OR $280 after 2 months. So it fierce. My Mom and my sister in law can drop the lbs when they need to. Then Ruby can really drop weight when she puts her mind to it. I've seen her do it before. So I have to really work at this.

I've been overweight all my life. I don't remember when I didn't shop in the plus size area. I was a young teen for sure so this is huge for me. I think it will be really good for my self image and help me come out of this shell I live in. Tonight one of the episodes I watched they were talking about the 2 kinds of obese people. One kind is angry and because they hate themselves and hate the way they look, etc. It causes them to have so much anger inside and they "protect" themselves by using that anger towards everyone and everything. The other kind of obese person is the person that is really nice and always smiling. Everyone says "look they have it all together and being overweight doesn't bother them." All the while that person is dying silently inside and smiling on the outside so the world thinks they are OK. That is me most of the time. Plus rather than put myself out there to make friends I close in and protect myself. I know what it's like to be invited to somewhere and be lonely in the crowd. Where people talk around you, you try to join in and it's like they don't even acknowledge that you spoke, it's not intentional, in my head I know that my somewhere down inside my emotions or my psych, it doesn't compute right and it's rejection all over again. I'm still the chubby person, the fat person that can't shop in the normal clothes.

So this journey is more serious than it was a week or a month ago. I"m in this to win it. LOL.