Being Real Tonight

So I'm not one of those "single & lonely" types so the last few days have been a really weird time for me. This is my blog so if you don't want to see the real me, move on. I am having to deal and work through some things for me and it's really pulled the rug out from under me. I thankfully have my brother to call and talk through things because my mind gets overwhelmed!!!

I have never been one to feel lonely, I've never really used that word alot but the last few days/weeks have been lonely. I work, go home or to church to a function and go home. I've made a couple friends along the way but they aren't all healthy relationships. Some are negative and I struggle to balance with them.

I have begun to realize that my confidence issues and self esteem problems are partially stemming from my weight and the fact I feel like I'm less than and that growing up with "constructive criticism" has only taught me that by being overweight I'm not good enough... "if you could lose weight guys would take notice" "as long as you are large you won't get married" "you have a pretty face but you would be so much prettier if you were smaller" "it's OK to be big you just probably won't ever marry but that is OK". Those things are probably said in passing and never remembered but for me they stab in really deep and I run back to the one thing that never says those things and that is food. Everyone of those comments are usually followed up by pizza or nachos or lasagna. I wish I had the support of those I love the most.

It's funny to really think it all through because the one thing people think I have looking from the outside in is love and yet the 1 think I crave more than anything is love and acceptance and to make people proud of me. Instead I feel like all I do is fail and not live up to expectations because I don't do exactly what others think I should. It's weird because deep inside I've had all these feelings and yet I hid it from everyone because I thought those thoughts were horrible & selfish and made me this horrible horrible person. Those are things I've been told and it affected me.

Then the last few weeks I've been really thinking about my faith and relationship with God. I've been thinking over some things in my spirit and then Sunday night was a moment... No, I didn't have that major breakthrough I need so desperately but 5 people said things to me that went deep and I think opened up some of the secret places in my heart. I called and talked to my brother because he never judges me, tells me I'm crazy, he just uses The Word & experiences and shares that with me. He will be real with me and tell me the things that are hard to accept and then loves me even if it takes me awhile to learn them.

So tonight I sit/lay here and I have tears pouring down my face. It's a weird feeling to me because it's not me, I am not this weak. I don't show my vulnerability to anyone. Yet I lay here not really feeling sad, or depressed yet I'm crying, I feel that lonliness I've never really known in my quest to stay so busy and try to ignore those things that made my "not perfect". In my mind I know I can't be perfect so I gave up even trying. I tucked away all those feelings and dreams and desires away. Now I struggle with trying to figure out how to learn acceptance. Weird, huh? I know, but Sunday night I realized while praying that I have to find healing from pain in my past, hurt from the present and fear of the future and what the outcome will be if I don't allow the control of others to dictate to me who and what i should be. Tonight is a different kind of lonliness I guess, I think Sunday night some of the places I store my hurt and pain opened up and my eyes were opened and now all that hurt is slowly leaking out and I don't know how to deal with that for sure. I've never dealt with stuff I ignore the painful hurts and hope that someday they just wouldn't be there anymore. Instead God is saying it's time to open all those places and let the hurt out. It's scary because I don't know what will happen or what the outcome will be for me. How will I deal? I've been on a journey but God just got more serious and now I look around and the walls I have built up are so tall and thick... I've shielded myself from what I thought was pain and now I realize it was from dealing.

I'm going to try to chill out and get some sleep. Tomorrow night is church and I don't have to be on Praise Team, that means I can hit the prayer room for a few and maybe just maybe God will take me another step. I'm on a journey and all these layers are being peeling back 1 by 1.