When is Selfish

OK, so Sunday Bro. Tiger Hille preached on No Room, but really was talking about simplifying your life to make room for God. I took that to a new level, well, actually I believe God dealt with my heart during the message that I have got to simplify my life. I live for others, my decisions in life are based on what will so and so say about this, will they allow that, will they still be my friend if I say or do etc etc etc. OK, so it sounds crazy to you but that is how my life is made up. Trying to follow everyones rules and regulatiosn and restrictions so that my life has joy. I just spent a weekend where about half of it was filled with tears because actions I took to surprise people was blown WAY out of proportion and I got blasted because of it. I was being nice and kind and generous and giving and I got took down several notches, I couldn't sleep Friday night, I laid looking at the ceiling tears pouring trying to figure out why I give and give and give expecting nothing in return, I don't expect any extra favors or thank you's, etc. But in not expecting anything in return I got very blindsided by anger that was directed at me in a very public manner. It crushed me, because I have given in excess and would do it again and I get hurt and games played with me. I try to not care but the last month or so my depression has come back full fledged and I've struggled with so many things. I finally sat down and just opened up about my hurt, then Sunday morning he preached Simplify!!!! So I told my parents this weekend, it's time to get real. Do not expect me to tip toe around you and your ideas, I can't do it anymore, it's killing me. Literally. I have friends that because of churches I attend or things I do, they come and go in my life. Our friendship is literally contingent on if I life just like them, standard wise and otherwise. I worry and fret over what they hear or what I say and pictures I send. Why? To maintain a relationship that is one sided, I am bowing to them and the stress and worry is too much.

I deal with depression, anxiety, etc over my Mom and Dad's health. I don't have time for finicky relationships. You can ask my bestest friend in the WHOLE world, Ruby, nad she will tell you, I accept you just like you are. Your weird ideas and differing degrees of beliefs and standards. Lord, does Ruby ever know, I have been tested and tried. ROFLOL. But other than Ruby, I've never received that kind of acceptance. If I admit to watching the wrong type of show, phone calls and emails quit. If you don't agree with my attire or hair dos I don't get invited anymore. I told my Mom this morning, I have fought this stupid depression for over a month at this severe of a degree and the last 2 or 3 days I have had chest pains and anxiety attacks and it's not worth it. Nothing is worth this pain. I have got to learn to live for myself and God and let the others go. If they stay, great!!! If not, I'll learn to get over the pain. Someday...

So for now, I am living life for ME!!!