Bad Week

OK, so you KNOW you had a bad week when you write to release your feelings and you are in so much turmoil that you can't get your feelings to come out. I can have any kind of emotion usually and sit down and just start typing and it all just starts pouring out. I get up and walk away knowing I will be OK.

Last week I couldn't even write. How crazy!!

So looking back it was just a really emotional crazy week. So much went down. Came home from vacation and I didn't want too, LOL. Sounds like a little kid, huh. Everything in Winter Park/Granby is perfect. Well the 40 below in winter might be a bit much. I even found apartments up there and got a price on them. I'm serious, I didn't want to come home. I do however, believe in living my life in God's Will. So, I came home and asked Him to find a way to send me back up there. LOL. You think I'm joking? You have NO idea how serious I am about going back, it may be 5 years from now but I would love to move up there.

So drove into Texas and hit the 107 degree heat. I started sweating at the border and I don't know if I have stopped yet. It was horrible, then my a/c quite blowing cold air so we sat in traffic in 107 degree temps. I was so frustrated and a little disgusted that I live in Texas. Now, don't get me wrong Texas is a great state to live in but why oh why can't we have Colorado weather???

So then get home and the house is like a sauna, hot!!! The next day I'm driving to work and I am sitting at a red light nad I hear this AWFUL noise, I wondered if that was MY car. We took off and the noise quit so I thought it must be another vehicle. My car didn't have much power but perhaps I was imagining it. I am related to my Mom the BEST worrier around. Headed after work to pick up my Dad, I start to back out and there was that horrid noise and it was MY car. I stopped jumped out, raised the hood and couldn't figure it out. So took it by my mechanic and he gives me the wonderful news that the compressor bearing is locking up. Then he explains that if I keep driving it it WILL lock up and then the it will overheat, the belt that does EVERYTHING will burn up and break and etc etc all the things that would need to be fixed over just the compressor. I was so discouraged, I went home and when your house is over run where do you go for privacy??? So I just laid on my bed not caring who came in or didn't and just stared turned on a message by Dr. Jeffers and let his words reach deep inside me to the places that hurt. I couldn't stop the tears. I was boo hooing, just quiet tears flowing out from all the hurt inside, the stupid compressor was just the cherry on top. Mom decided to go get her tire fixed (she had a blow out that day also), if she was taking everyone to work and picking us all up PLUS she had to go to stores in Waco (part of her territory for work). Then we went by and spent time with Gavin and Landon, those 2 can lift your spirits!!! Gavin was showing us all his "dance move tricks". I love watching him dance, he is so limber and actually quite a good interpretor of music to dance. Too funny.

Then the next morning we get up jump in Mom's car and I'm driving and we didn't see anythign but something was in the road and YUP, immediate flat!!! Drove very slowly down to where I could turn onto a street we get out (let me stop here to say my Mom carries and ungodly amount of stuff to do with her job IN HER TRUNK. It all has to come out to get to the spare. Then she remembers, the guy who had helped her with her blow out 2 days before had to use his own tire iron because she obviously didn't have one. We are like a mile from home and it's hot as blazes already. I call Bob he brings one down and bless his heart, he changed the tire also!! Get everythign in the trunk, tire in backseat. I look at the spare and ask a simple question, is that low?? LOL, it was so to the gas station for air. Dad says we can't go around on a spare that is losing air so off to a tire shop to buy yet another new tire. So you see how my week went? It is just full of those kinds of moments, that was BEFORE they told me my car would be over $600. LOL. I was past the laughing until I cried, I just laid my head down and cried. Where is the end??? Perhaps there isn't one??

I got home that night and talked to my best friend on the phoen and she shared the same story to me not knowing what I had gone through. The whole week I fought the worst anger I've ever had. I just hated EVERYTHING and ONE. LOL. I'm not real sure what was wrong with me. Funny thing is I talked to so many friends calling about my vacation and they were all the same way. Strange, we decided the moon and stars were out of alignment or something. It was too weird.

I do have good news, the craziness we've had goign on for 4 months comes to an end this week. It's funny because Saturday night I was so crazy, I prayed and told God HE knew what I could handle and I was really starting to doubt because I was really feeling like I was living on the edge, kind of on a emotional teeter totter. I just told him in plain english that I didn't understand, I was trying to have a good attitude until last week and trying to be kind and all but I just needed Him to understand I didn't think I could keep on this open ended situation. I needed it to either END OR give me a set time it would end so I would know. The next morning I found out it will be ending. I was still feeling kind of out of it and numb and was in my jamma's at 10am. But I thought the Devil knows my fragile mind and knows if he can get me seperated for God I will not make it, I'll crash and burn in a heap like you have never seen. I remembered my Dad telling me about 8 years ago to just "go to church, if you don't live it, if you don't get involved just sit there" so Sunday morning I decided that is what I will do, I'm not going to quit. Let the whole world fall around me, I just wasn't sure if this mental or emotional battle could get any worse. I mean I had been sooooo depressed all week.

But yesterday mornings message reached through the fog a bit. Last night message was awesome!!! It's like an awakening. He kept talking about a place in God that is so deep and I know what he is talking about but sometimes it seems like that place will never be felt again. We do go through things for a reason I believe that. I have to wonder why, though??? Will it come to a place that it will end? Then I think about the fact perhaps I'm not to where God wants me? I have a hard time pressing through the fog, could it be the devil is fighting me that hard? If so, why ever for???

I just have to believe that the answers will become clear and perhaps it is about relationship!!