Been Awhile!!

So it's been awhile since I've taken time to write. Lots of reasons and there have been a few days I was just totally messed up and just couldn't do it. But here I am, I never go away for long.

I've had a few really bad months and even worse last few weeks. The last week has been different. I went last weekend to Houston to hear my "little brother" Tim preach. I will tell you right now the freedom to worship is there. I had a great time, he didn't even get to preach but I left so uplifted by the service they had. We heard several testimonies that night of God working in situations that there was no way. God made a way!!! I stored away things I saw there in my memories. It had been so long since I was in a service where the spirit of God just flowed freely, there was no schedule, no "we need to get to the next thing". Just an awesome spirit of God. I drank freely because I was so parched!!! It was like home. Honestly, I felt so free, so hungry for that unfettered anointing I felt. The service started and I looked over at my Mom and just mouthed it has that "I'm home feeling". She agreed. I can't explain it, it was familiar and I have visited one other time as a child so it's not I just knew the people. It just had that feeling and I couldn't help but worship and praise with my whole heart. Most of the service I had tears streaming down my face. I didn't feel worried about if I was doing something right or wrong, I just knew I had a freedom to just worship in my own way. I'm shy and I am not one to make myself at home in a strange church. But I felt at home there. I had a conversation with a relative that I have much respect for and he had attended a church in the DFW area for a short period and he made the statment that his spirit connected with that churches spirit. It just wasn't the will of God for that time. That is my experience it was a connection that was familiar in a spiritual sense. It's not because I'm spiritual, LOL, truth be told I'm probably more confused in this stage of my life than I have ever been before. Strange?? Maybe not. 1 received the Holy Ghost and everyone went home changed, our burdens of life lifted

Then Wednesday I heard that Bro Riggen (who I've known all my life) would be in Tyler preaching so I packed an overnight bag and went to visit Teresa, Jimmy & Katie and went to church 3 miles from their house. He preached a message that spoke straight to my heart. I found myself on my knees talking to a God that a week before I was struggling with if he even cared. Bro. Riggin preached on Friend or Foe. Judas and Peter. How God called Peter Satan and Judas friend. Peter had the KEYS to the kingdom and he rebuked him and called him satan. But Judas who came to the garden and betrayed Jesus with a kiss, God called him friend. He spoke on how Jesus HAD to go to the cross and Judas was a part of that and because of it, he was a friend. Even in the betrayal, he pussed Jesus to the cross and therefore was a friend. But Peter wanted to keep it from happening. He brought it down to our lives and how we go through things that we feel like is killing us but if it's keeping us on our knees, Judas is our friend. Peter is the type that will try to placate you and he becomes your foe. He told the story of a lady in a Pentecostal church that was faithful and endured horrible beatings from her husband for going. If he caught her praying he would severly beat her. It was a really bad situation. The day came when her husband died and everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Problem was 3 years later she died lost, backslidden, away from God. His point was her husband was her Judas it was what kept her on her knees. 1 backslider prayed back through

Then Friday night, our cousins called and were going to preaching for a small church in Midlothian, which is about 15 minutes from our house. We had church. There is probably about 20-30 people in the church and the spirit of God was there!!! I forgot about little churches and so we all had to testify. They had a full house. Bro. Daniels preached on having babies in the church. It was a very good message. I think they had 1 get the Holy Ghost. Pretty sure everyone there was renewed.

I've really been thinking and praying about God's will for my life. I'm very restless and searching for a change. I'm not sure what will come of it but I do know God knows where I am and what I need and He will make a way.

Yesterday in church. Bro Pixler preached yesterday morning on the heart and last night Bro. Zorich preached on Asking God. It hit home with me because I'm one that had prayed for so long I just gave up, perhaps I need to renew my requests. LOL.

I gave up everything I've been doing at church. I'm tired, discouraged and need a renewing. Most don't agree with me but in Bro. Riggin's message on of the things he pointed out several times was does it draw us to God or away from God. He said if problems in our life are pulling us away from God we need to think about them and if they are really important to us, because if they cause us to lose out with God it's not our friend it's our foe, it's our Peter. But if it's drawing us to God we need to pray that God gives us strength to go through it because Judas will push to the cross. I'm reprioritizing (I know that is incorrectly spelled, hmmm) the things in my life. I pretty much dumped everything. I know where I have been in God and I'm not even close and I feel a drawing deep inside and I'm not sure what to do. So I figure start back over at square one and begin to draw near to God and let him lead me in the next faze of my life.