Responsibilities Wanted or Unwanted

So I'm awake early today, went to bed extra early last night. That's OK, I have lots of animals to feed in this freezing cold.

My Mom has a fear of horses and this means she can't go in that yard. Nice. She is flipping out over everything. She called me at work yesterday because the horse and the billy were fighting, I'm not sure what that accomplished other than making my nerves bad while I'm trying to work. See life has taken this weird twist and then a severe turn.

Dad's kidneys are working at only about 10-15%. So he is fixing to have to start dialysis. This is scary, dialysis would be 3 times a week 4-5 hours each session. He is edging closer and closer to becoming disabled. I don't know what we will do. We've always made it through Dad's problems, when he had the multiple back surgeries and Myasthenia Gravis, but none of it was quite so... permanent. With failing kidneys you won't go back. Kidney transplant isn't an option at this time because of Dad's weight which is a complication to his diabetes.

Mom also is having surgery the day after Christmas to have her thyroid removed. She has tons of cysts on it. But even more than that she is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Not sure what the triggers are, one is the animals and I just don't know what all else, I'm sure Dad being sick is another. I've always said my Mom takes on so much and she goes hard, fast and furious all the time. She gets too involved in stuff like prison ministry, she wants to "save" all the girls and it becomes very personal to my Mom. To the point they've lived with us, took advantage of us, LOL, and my Mom becomes this guilt ridden saviour to all. I've always told my Dad eventually all of it is going to crash in on her and she is going to have a breakdown, it's a given in our family. Even though I thought that, I didn't think it would happen so quickly. But before my eyes my Mom has become a ball of nerves, shaking and freaking out over a horse, or a goat, or anything. My predictions were true. My Mom's side of the family has a very strong line genetically of mental illness and I've always been the weak one that an illness pushed me over the edge. But now it's Mom the one that thought she wasn't suseptible to it. She was strong and could save the world. Now she can't.

The last few weeks I've gained a new role and it's a parent with 3 kids. I've gained responsibility and it's overwhelming most of the time. Dad's health won't allow him to do anything and my Mom is just mentally not healthy right now. It's weird because I've always been the one that falls apart over everything, I'm the one that has fought depression all my life. The roles have changed.

I talked with Mom yesterday as she explained to me that she just CAN NOT take care of the animals at all. I sat there wondering how I'm going to do it. When did I become the strong one? I'm the one that as a teenager threatened suicide. Now I'm carrying the load of it all. Mom said that is probably why I'm single and still at home. Well, I hope not it would sure help to have some support here. It's kind of lonely when you are afraid to get very far away because you never know what craziness will befall your family. I struggle through so much and just want a bright light in this crazy darkness and no one has a clue. No one knows all my struggles, I don't even put them on here with all the drama I write about.

Gotta get up and get dressed the animals are hungry and daylight will be here soon. Hopefully Mom will feel better after her surgery. I hope so, it's lonely in this place all by myself. Thankfully my animals give me something to focus on everyday.