Have you ever had things inside that you need to get out but you don't know how? Somethings are just so deeply ingrained I don't know how to get it out, I can talk about something all day but it's not until I can sit down and really connect with my thoughts and put them on paper where I can see them that I find I can work thourgh things. Sometimes there are things inside of us that hurt and are painful and you know you have to learn to work through them. Problem is you don't want to expose those deepest hurts to anyone. Especially when the hurts are brought about by the people you love the most. How do you learn to let go and not let them hurt you anymore? I don't think it's that they intentionally intend to hurt us but sometimes people have disorders and the things from their past that shaped them haunts them and they do things that they don't mean. You have to learn to help yourself and let them go, regardless of what they decide for their lives. I don't understand how to love someone that doesn't have the ability to really love back. Some people only have the ability to give love when you have something they need.
I'm 32 years old (almost) and I'm just now realizing how emotionally immature I am. I've been controlled in what to do, how to act, what to say and even what to think in certain situations. When I can't be what others expect of me then I find myself once again consumed with guilt and depression. I believed what I've been told regarding my "imperfections" and thought that was how life was supposed to be. Just in the last few weeks did I begin to find my way out of this controlled atmospere into a world that I am uncertain in. For years I have been given life on a silver platter, not because I demanded it or asked for it. Just because people wanted me to have it. But when others see my life they give me a hard time and the very people who gave it to me, "just because" make comments like "she's a "princess"" or "she is a spoiled brat". I try to laugh and ignore it knowing that I know the truth and that is what matters but the possibility that others might think I am such a horribly person hurts and adds my insecurities and confidence issues.
It hurts when people ask your opinion and then totally disregard what you say. When strangers come to visit and I'm supposed to just "give up" my bedroom for weeks at a time because someone else needs it and if I don't I'm a horrible selfish person that doesn't want to help anyone. I have struggled with, do I have a right to stand up for myself and say NO, to demand respect for my space and belongings. Do you know what it's like to have someone living in your home and ask another family member for something and rather than ask you if the visitor can use it, they just help themselves? For someone to have no respect towards you but DEMAND respect towards the very things they know you don't agree with? I have meltdown moments from time to time but a month or so ago, I had a moment of total shut down and I was so angry and hurt and a person I trust said "write it down Taniss", I worked for hours trying to put on paper what was going on inside of me and struggling with the fear that I was a brat and a horrible person and that I was totally disrespecting the very people that hurt me. I cried until I couldn't cry over my inability to not care. I hated myself because I do care, I was angry not only at this person but also at myself because I can't continue to pretend it doesn't bother me. I was angry that I have lived for years trying to gain the approval and true love of someone that isn't capable of returning my love and I will probably never gain approval from unless I live life under their direction which is so skewed.
The result of those hours of meltdown, I was horrified at the fact I had actually asked God WHY??? Why can't I be normal and happy like others, why does life have to be so stupid and why can't I let guard down in order to have friends? I live in fear of being hurt and fear of rejection and failure and since I know I'll never be the perfection that is expected how do you get out of that funk?
Slowly but surely I was able to begin to see that I have to take the first step. My letter in all it's chaos was sent to someone that would be able to pray for the situation. I immediately regreted my decision but prayer helps. Though the person hasn't changed, I have. Just this week there was a situation and I refused to buckle and when anger was directed at me I felt all my insecurities and hurts and failures caving in on me. I made a phone call and poured out all my feelings and why, the person on the other end of the line said "Taniss, don't feel bad and don't go back on your decision. You are doing the right thing, It's called finding healing and it's a process". Did I just get off the phone and say, OK that is that, no guilt?. LOL. No not by a long shot. I actually had to deal with an anxiety attack and chest pains and a headache, but that just let me know the control that I have been under. I was given this advice recently during a "melt down". Be yourself and not what others expect you to be because you are the only one that can be YOU!!!!
So now that you have sat and read through this whole book. This isn't a pity party, though let me know and I'll write you one, LOL. This isn't to hurt anyone or a defensive stance. It's just part of my homework in this experience. I think of it as a journey to healthy living. To becoming what I need to be. Not to say, I'm well by some magical potion. But see Sunday night we had a time of prayer at the end. They asked people to come forward if you needed healing and you know what? I went!! Sometimes God requires us to take action and then He steps in. I believe this. Because a few months ago I wouldn't have understood the chaos, but today I'm finding understanding and hope for a future. I just hope that in this journey I can find a way to help the person that doesn't know they need help. Maybe in my search for balance I can find a way to show them they need help, but I doubt it. You can't get help for something you refuse to acknowledge you need help with.
I had dinner a few weeks ago with a friend and I asked her the same question I recently posed to another friend. Am I a bad person? Am I being disrespectful? Do I have a right to do and say the things I just explained? I struggle with what if I am just demading my way and not thinking of others. What if what they say about me is true and I am just a selfish person and have no compassion. By both parties and in my "therapy" I've been assured if I was all those things I wouldn't worry about it. There is a balance and that is where I am, trying to find that balance.
So this is a next step for me. I know there are rough waters ahead but for today I know I can do this with God's help. Oh, and to those that have been giving me wise counsel, thank you. I don't know how to repay you so know that with each step towards healing I take you are the ones helping make it happen. Your prayers and thoughts and encouragement means everything to me.
I hope that someday I will be strong enough to help someone else make this journey. Heal the Wounds but Leave the Scars as a Reminder of How Merciful YOU Are.
I'm 32 years old (almost) and I'm just now realizing how emotionally immature I am. I've been controlled in what to do, how to act, what to say and even what to think in certain situations. When I can't be what others expect of me then I find myself once again consumed with guilt and depression. I believed what I've been told regarding my "imperfections" and thought that was how life was supposed to be. Just in the last few weeks did I begin to find my way out of this controlled atmospere into a world that I am uncertain in. For years I have been given life on a silver platter, not because I demanded it or asked for it. Just because people wanted me to have it. But when others see my life they give me a hard time and the very people who gave it to me, "just because" make comments like "she's a "princess"" or "she is a spoiled brat". I try to laugh and ignore it knowing that I know the truth and that is what matters but the possibility that others might think I am such a horribly person hurts and adds my insecurities and confidence issues.
It hurts when people ask your opinion and then totally disregard what you say. When strangers come to visit and I'm supposed to just "give up" my bedroom for weeks at a time because someone else needs it and if I don't I'm a horrible selfish person that doesn't want to help anyone. I have struggled with, do I have a right to stand up for myself and say NO, to demand respect for my space and belongings. Do you know what it's like to have someone living in your home and ask another family member for something and rather than ask you if the visitor can use it, they just help themselves? For someone to have no respect towards you but DEMAND respect towards the very things they know you don't agree with? I have meltdown moments from time to time but a month or so ago, I had a moment of total shut down and I was so angry and hurt and a person I trust said "write it down Taniss", I worked for hours trying to put on paper what was going on inside of me and struggling with the fear that I was a brat and a horrible person and that I was totally disrespecting the very people that hurt me. I cried until I couldn't cry over my inability to not care. I hated myself because I do care, I was angry not only at this person but also at myself because I can't continue to pretend it doesn't bother me. I was angry that I have lived for years trying to gain the approval and true love of someone that isn't capable of returning my love and I will probably never gain approval from unless I live life under their direction which is so skewed.
The result of those hours of meltdown, I was horrified at the fact I had actually asked God WHY??? Why can't I be normal and happy like others, why does life have to be so stupid and why can't I let guard down in order to have friends? I live in fear of being hurt and fear of rejection and failure and since I know I'll never be the perfection that is expected how do you get out of that funk?
Slowly but surely I was able to begin to see that I have to take the first step. My letter in all it's chaos was sent to someone that would be able to pray for the situation. I immediately regreted my decision but prayer helps. Though the person hasn't changed, I have. Just this week there was a situation and I refused to buckle and when anger was directed at me I felt all my insecurities and hurts and failures caving in on me. I made a phone call and poured out all my feelings and why, the person on the other end of the line said "Taniss, don't feel bad and don't go back on your decision. You are doing the right thing, It's called finding healing and it's a process". Did I just get off the phone and say, OK that is that, no guilt?. LOL. No not by a long shot. I actually had to deal with an anxiety attack and chest pains and a headache, but that just let me know the control that I have been under. I was given this advice recently during a "melt down". Be yourself and not what others expect you to be because you are the only one that can be YOU!!!!
So now that you have sat and read through this whole book. This isn't a pity party, though let me know and I'll write you one, LOL. This isn't to hurt anyone or a defensive stance. It's just part of my homework in this experience. I think of it as a journey to healthy living. To becoming what I need to be. Not to say, I'm well by some magical potion. But see Sunday night we had a time of prayer at the end. They asked people to come forward if you needed healing and you know what? I went!! Sometimes God requires us to take action and then He steps in. I believe this. Because a few months ago I wouldn't have understood the chaos, but today I'm finding understanding and hope for a future. I just hope that in this journey I can find a way to help the person that doesn't know they need help. Maybe in my search for balance I can find a way to show them they need help, but I doubt it. You can't get help for something you refuse to acknowledge you need help with.
I had dinner a few weeks ago with a friend and I asked her the same question I recently posed to another friend. Am I a bad person? Am I being disrespectful? Do I have a right to do and say the things I just explained? I struggle with what if I am just demading my way and not thinking of others. What if what they say about me is true and I am just a selfish person and have no compassion. By both parties and in my "therapy" I've been assured if I was all those things I wouldn't worry about it. There is a balance and that is where I am, trying to find that balance.
So this is a next step for me. I know there are rough waters ahead but for today I know I can do this with God's help. Oh, and to those that have been giving me wise counsel, thank you. I don't know how to repay you so know that with each step towards healing I take you are the ones helping make it happen. Your prayers and thoughts and encouragement means everything to me.
I hope that someday I will be strong enough to help someone else make this journey. Heal the Wounds but Leave the Scars as a Reminder of How Merciful YOU Are.
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