First the good stuff. I've gotten a cold and had the sore throat and all that goes with it. The yucky nose, sneezing, etc. Sooo, I was on the phone with Misty, one of my bestest friends, and she was telling me a tip her Grannie had... VICKS vaporub. She said rub it on the bottoms of your feet and put socks on and to bed, jigity jog, well that last bit was me. It is supposed to help with everything and keep you from having a sore throat, plus, it will ease your coughing. What Vicks on your feet has to do with your throat I have no clue. However, she said she tried it on Jacob and Johnathon and it seemed to work really well so she tried it on herself and though it didn't seem to work as well on her, she woke up without her sore throat and it seemed to help. Her Grannie had Vicks EVERYWHERE.
Sooooo, I figured why not try it for myself, I was sporting a pretty dandy sore throat AND my nose and chest were yucky and anything that gets in my chest gives me pnuemonia and that is a horrible experience, my lung has so much damage that it doesn't take much at all and I'm down with pnuemonia, and I get it good!!! So any ideas on keeping colds and such from going to my chest I'll try, I hate blacking out and doctors and hospitals. So I'm getting ready for bed, I got my off brand vaporub and put it on the bottoms of my feet good, then I put on my socks. This is a big problem for me, I'm extremely hot natured and can not do socks and sleep but I was willing to sacrifice. Better to wear socks to bed than have Vicks on my bed. LOL. First of all, I woke up a 4am very hot because of the socks and couldn't go to sleep, hence the reason it's almost 6am and I'm typing this. However, I'm not coughing and my nose isn't very stuffy, but the best part is my throat isn't really sore. It is if I have to cough but I'm not coughing often. So I'll probably swear by Vicks from now on. LOL.
Now the bad news. Dad found out this week that his kidneys are worse. In January of 2008 tests showed that he only had about 50% usage of his kidneys, he has been on meds, etc since then. This week they ran tests on them again and that usage has been cut in have so basically his kidneys are working 25% of what they are supposed to be at. He is looking at probably having to start dialysis in the near future. Everyone in my family has our own medical issues to deal with, before we look at the possibility of diabetes in our futures. My brother and I have really been focusing on our health more. We weren't raised to do that, but as we get older and we are finding more about our health it is proving to us it's time to start being healthier. Dad is only 59, that isn't old and he is very close to being disabled. That is scary. His eyes are shot from his diabetes, even with doing surgery on the one eye didn't help so he has opted to not do surgery on the other. He has all the normal complications of people with advanced diabetes. He's learned to give himself shots before meals. One area he hates dealing with is the food part. But we are going to get serious about it. It isn't easy matter of fact it's downright hard, you can't just buy everything at the store and pop it in the microwave and eat it. NOPErs, it requires thought and preparation to really eat correctly. We have diabetes cookbooks and I have just taken over the kitchen!!! We can't repair the damage, just doesn't happen but we can slow down the process. So to those that think nothing bad will happen to you think again.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
It's that Giving Thanks time of year
I have so much to be thankful for this year. I always have things to be thankful for but this year is an extra special year to me. I got my past back. Sound strange? It's not.
You see 8 years ago, I walked away from my past, there were haunts there I didn't want to face and so I learned to live in denial and do my best to not bring it back up. Problem... dreams, I lived with nightmares and dreams that pushed me to my limits some days mentally.
This summer God did what I knew He could do but didn't know if He cared too and he brought judgement on situations from the past and in doing so He broke down walls that hadn't been passed through in 8 years.
I walked into my old church in October for the first time in almost 8 years. It was very scary but once inside it was so comforting. To sit there and take it all in, to truly enjoy a place I had given everything to see it happen. I did thank God for making it all possible. I hate what had to happen but I'm thankful to be able to walk in that building and not be scared of what will happen to me.
I also learned in the course of that same situation why God moved us from there. Oh, I know all the actual "knowledge" reasons, but more than that I learned in my heart why I made that decision for myself. I didn't have to move with my family but I knew I had to follow God's leading. It hurt and I don't guess the hurt ever leaves, you learn to forgive but the emotional trauma stays. That kind of hurt shapes you mentally and emotionally forever, I guess.
I want to say I thank God for rescuing me. If I hadn't done what I had to do, I would have regrets I wouldn't be able to live with. I didn't know it then but I do now and I'm very thankful that God protected me. I don't know why He did but He did. It has seemed that every dream and every desire was destroyed but I think I can see that it is slowly beginning to regroup. God is slowly picking up the pieces of my life and putting them together again. How do you not thank God for that??
I'm also thankful that Landon arrived healthy and handsome. Tiffany is good and our family is happy and healthy. Health is relative. We have healthy relationships and that is of hte upmost importance.
Overall it has been a good year. That isn't to say life is perfect but life is good. God is good. Lately in thanking Him I've begun to wonder. I can't remember if it was Bro. Stringfellow or Bro. Pixler that said in a recent sermon that if you have a dream hold on to it. He said sometimes we go through hard times in order that when our dream is a reality we will be what God needs us to be, that is in my own words. He said sometimes God takes us on a journey to shape us and put things in us and take some thing out of us. All in all when we get back to where we started we are changed. I think about the dreams I've always thought were just shattered pieces on the ground. I picked them up but it has just been a pile of pieces that I couldn't fit together. It makes me stop and wonder, am I going full circle???
Thanks!!!!!!
You see 8 years ago, I walked away from my past, there were haunts there I didn't want to face and so I learned to live in denial and do my best to not bring it back up. Problem... dreams, I lived with nightmares and dreams that pushed me to my limits some days mentally.
This summer God did what I knew He could do but didn't know if He cared too and he brought judgement on situations from the past and in doing so He broke down walls that hadn't been passed through in 8 years.
I walked into my old church in October for the first time in almost 8 years. It was very scary but once inside it was so comforting. To sit there and take it all in, to truly enjoy a place I had given everything to see it happen. I did thank God for making it all possible. I hate what had to happen but I'm thankful to be able to walk in that building and not be scared of what will happen to me.
I also learned in the course of that same situation why God moved us from there. Oh, I know all the actual "knowledge" reasons, but more than that I learned in my heart why I made that decision for myself. I didn't have to move with my family but I knew I had to follow God's leading. It hurt and I don't guess the hurt ever leaves, you learn to forgive but the emotional trauma stays. That kind of hurt shapes you mentally and emotionally forever, I guess.
I want to say I thank God for rescuing me. If I hadn't done what I had to do, I would have regrets I wouldn't be able to live with. I didn't know it then but I do now and I'm very thankful that God protected me. I don't know why He did but He did. It has seemed that every dream and every desire was destroyed but I think I can see that it is slowly beginning to regroup. God is slowly picking up the pieces of my life and putting them together again. How do you not thank God for that??
I'm also thankful that Landon arrived healthy and handsome. Tiffany is good and our family is happy and healthy. Health is relative. We have healthy relationships and that is of hte upmost importance.
Overall it has been a good year. That isn't to say life is perfect but life is good. God is good. Lately in thanking Him I've begun to wonder. I can't remember if it was Bro. Stringfellow or Bro. Pixler that said in a recent sermon that if you have a dream hold on to it. He said sometimes we go through hard times in order that when our dream is a reality we will be what God needs us to be, that is in my own words. He said sometimes God takes us on a journey to shape us and put things in us and take some thing out of us. All in all when we get back to where we started we are changed. I think about the dreams I've always thought were just shattered pieces on the ground. I picked them up but it has just been a pile of pieces that I couldn't fit together. It makes me stop and wonder, am I going full circle???
Thanks!!!!!!
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Life on The Farm - Built a barn
Well, we had to have better shelter for my goats and chickens, etc. So first off my uncle built me some bad to the bone nesting boxes for each set of animals. Then last week Mom and Dad built a little house for the silkies. Their nesting boxes and roost fits in it, we just have to put in a roof but for one the cages are covered so they are fine. I guess they all like it now, they are all snuggled up on the roost and nesting boxes.
That worked but the goats and big chickens have a shack. Looks like a homeless persons shack. LOL. For real, like those ones under the bridge right outside of downtown Dallas. Anyways, Dad designed a nice house that is 11 feet by 11 feet and can be easily added onto. It has a tin roof and is really neat. We put the nesting boxes for the big girls in there and the food cans and now we have a little shelf we can store stuff on. I'm going to get a shelf with doors so I can store my birthing stuff for the goats and eventually when we get the horse his tack will go in there. I just have to get the stalls built inside it. Then next year we'll put siding on it. It's really neat looking right now, I'm proud of it. It's just plastic covered but it works.
We built the frame inside our house. That was a interesting thing. LOL. The frames are 11 feet long and like 6 feet tall. LOL. It was so chilly outside so we decided since it had to be done and quickly we would just do it in the house. It worked.
That worked but the goats and big chickens have a shack. Looks like a homeless persons shack. LOL. For real, like those ones under the bridge right outside of downtown Dallas. Anyways, Dad designed a nice house that is 11 feet by 11 feet and can be easily added onto. It has a tin roof and is really neat. We put the nesting boxes for the big girls in there and the food cans and now we have a little shelf we can store stuff on. I'm going to get a shelf with doors so I can store my birthing stuff for the goats and eventually when we get the horse his tack will go in there. I just have to get the stalls built inside it. Then next year we'll put siding on it. It's really neat looking right now, I'm proud of it. It's just plastic covered but it works.
We built the frame inside our house. That was a interesting thing. LOL. The frames are 11 feet long and like 6 feet tall. LOL. It was so chilly outside so we decided since it had to be done and quickly we would just do it in the house. It worked.
Then they took the walls outside and laid them in the front yard and I stapled the heavy duty plastic on each one. That was quite a chore since the North wind was blowing in. Thankfully Robert came out and helped.
Once the walls were up and the nesting boxes were in I called the goats in to see what they thought. They loved it. I tried not sitting on the ground. When you have chickens and goats there is not a safe place to sit on the ground. I ended up ON the ground though and that is OK, when Molly's babies get here I'm sure I'll have worse on me. LOL. I'm so excited I can't wait and she is getting so close. I just love the goats, I love all the animals and I'm so happy to be getting to live out my dream of having a farm. Mind you it's a mini farm with mostly mini animals but I love the feeding and watching them and waiting for the babies and the surprise of finding baby chicks hatching and now they are in the house and I'm watching them grow and seeing them get their feathers in and loosing their fuzz. It's so neat.
This is pretty much the finished product for now, until next year. The roof still had to be added at this point but you get the idea.
So life on the farm is busy as ever, we are awaiting the arrival of Molly's babies and by the looks of things tonight it will be soon.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
New Baby Chicks and more
Well we have had our first 2 baby chicks hatch. They are so cute and adorable. They fit in the palm of my hand and they are still tiny looking. I hope I can make them survive. So far the chicks are doing great, I'm really excited!!! This is a dream of mine to have a "farm" where I can raise animals. Just pray I can sale them now. LOL.
Everything that happens on The Farm right now is a learning experience. Sometimes the outcome is good, sometimes it's not. I lost 4 or my 6 Bob White Quail. So the male and female I have left is all there is. I now have them in their own cage and they are the proud owners of a mailbox house. It's the cutest thing ever.
Molly has still not had her babies, she and Oreo are both expecting but we don't know when they were bred so we can't estimate how many days they are. So it's a watch and wait game.
I have been having some weird episodes lately, I keep trying to pass, I get really bad pains and I get sick, the throwing up kind of sick and then it takes me a couple of days to recover. Strange!!! Last night was the worst yet. I had just finished getting ready for church and it hit me out of no where and I think my Mom thought I was dying when I walked out of my room. LOL. I survived but I do with they would go away.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
The Farm and Storms
Sigh, so last night I decided that our new rabbit, which is the tamest and sweetest ever, needed to come inside since it was going to be storming. A good decision, Snowball previously lived in someones house and garage. So she is very pampered. I used to have rabbits and they were good but this rabbit is like a dog, she comes to you and you go out to her pen and she will come over and stand up so you will pick her up. It's weird and really funny.
Then my Mom started obsessing about the other animals not having enough shelter. The goats have a house until we get the shed built with stalls etc (for the horse). So the big girls (chickens) are the ones without a home. The having their nesting boxes and then there are various areas they can get under to get out of the sun/rain, etc. Well, evidently my Mom went out and took the chickens off their roosts and put them under shelter and they went right back to their roost. So she came busting in my room flipping out and carrying on about chickens drowning in the rain because they are so stupid. Ok, so they aren't the smartest, I agree, but chickens are not totally stupid. We are raising them, there is a small brain in there, I think. Anyways, she was soaking wet and I looked up online and everyone that raises chickens said a chicken drowning in rain can happen but is not common. Chickens will get out of the rain. That didn't satisfy her so finally I got up found my plastic flipflops (my yard shoes, LOL, they can't be ruined but you know what and mud, etc.) and I headed out to "save" the chickens. OK, I'll be honest I was a little perturbed, umm, okey make that alot perturbed. LOL. I wasn't worried about them but I'm like the "saviour" to the yard, I'm not scared of the animals and I just do what has to be done, I guess I chase them down and catch them best. LOL. So back to the yard. It was POURING rain, lightening, the whole nine yards and I'm out in ankle deep water and black clay/mud to SAVE these chickens that are roosting out in that chaos. Guess what... Yeah, no chickens out in the elements. They had been smart enough once left alone to get down off the roosts and find shelter. A couple were in the goat house with the goats and one was out under a little area we set up for them. We had a board leaning against the fence and our the littlest girls were under that. So we had one chicken missing in action. Guess what she's alive and well. She had found a good place to stay. So this weekend my job is chicken HOUSES, not laying boxes not roosts and HOUSE. So next time I don't have to deal with my rocketing blood pressure while dealing with a hysteric mother. Good grief!!!
Thankfully my dogs decided to get along OUT OF THE BLUE. I've tried socializing them for ever and I've gotten bit and that hurts really bad. Nothing worked. My aunt and uncle put a fence up for me across my backyard so my yard dogs had a place to go, while my Eskies went out to take care of business. After several days of this Hayleigh (yard dog) ended up at the back door with Frostie and Laycie (Eskies). I was shocked but happy that the 3 of them had decided to get along in the yard. Delaynie was still acting very aggressive if I stepped into the yard (my dogs are all VERY protective of ME, it's cool!!!) Well, a couple weeks went by with Hayleigh escaping to hang out with Frostie and Laycie when they were out. Then one day I looked up and about passed out. Delaynie was looking in the door at me. For a couple days he and Frostie were a little leery of one another but all in all they made peace. Last night they all slept in the utility room, which is where Frostie and Laycie live because they hate being outside, they hate it with a purple polka dotted passion, well Laycie does and Frostie won't do anything without Laycie. So yeah, it's really strange but VERY nice that they all get along now. Every once in a while Delaynie gets an attitude but Frostie has discovered that he is Alpha dog under me. LOL. He may be 12 years old but he has 3 year old Delaynie on the ground with a growl.
It's really interesting to watch and observe all the different animals on the farm. They all have their own personalities and each one is different. I love seeing how they all learn to work with one another and even different types of animals and how they relate to other kinds. Like the goats and chickens or chickens and rabbit. I love the animals. I should have persued my desire to be a vet. Now I'm just too uninterested in school to go back right now and if I did go back to school I have something I would rather persue than animal medicine.
This is just one day in the life on the farm. Actually make that a few hours. LOL. There is always excitement. Like waiting on the girls (goats) to give birth. LOL. I keep thinking this is it and she keeps going. Can't wait until my calender represents the farm life and I'm not guessing. I hate this hurry up and wait. So I'm sure I'll have more installments to come soon. It's just life on the farm.
Then my Mom started obsessing about the other animals not having enough shelter. The goats have a house until we get the shed built with stalls etc (for the horse). So the big girls (chickens) are the ones without a home. The having their nesting boxes and then there are various areas they can get under to get out of the sun/rain, etc. Well, evidently my Mom went out and took the chickens off their roosts and put them under shelter and they went right back to their roost. So she came busting in my room flipping out and carrying on about chickens drowning in the rain because they are so stupid. Ok, so they aren't the smartest, I agree, but chickens are not totally stupid. We are raising them, there is a small brain in there, I think. Anyways, she was soaking wet and I looked up online and everyone that raises chickens said a chicken drowning in rain can happen but is not common. Chickens will get out of the rain. That didn't satisfy her so finally I got up found my plastic flipflops (my yard shoes, LOL, they can't be ruined but you know what and mud, etc.) and I headed out to "save" the chickens. OK, I'll be honest I was a little perturbed, umm, okey make that alot perturbed. LOL. I wasn't worried about them but I'm like the "saviour" to the yard, I'm not scared of the animals and I just do what has to be done, I guess I chase them down and catch them best. LOL. So back to the yard. It was POURING rain, lightening, the whole nine yards and I'm out in ankle deep water and black clay/mud to SAVE these chickens that are roosting out in that chaos. Guess what... Yeah, no chickens out in the elements. They had been smart enough once left alone to get down off the roosts and find shelter. A couple were in the goat house with the goats and one was out under a little area we set up for them. We had a board leaning against the fence and our the littlest girls were under that. So we had one chicken missing in action. Guess what she's alive and well. She had found a good place to stay. So this weekend my job is chicken HOUSES, not laying boxes not roosts and HOUSE. So next time I don't have to deal with my rocketing blood pressure while dealing with a hysteric mother. Good grief!!!
Thankfully my dogs decided to get along OUT OF THE BLUE. I've tried socializing them for ever and I've gotten bit and that hurts really bad. Nothing worked. My aunt and uncle put a fence up for me across my backyard so my yard dogs had a place to go, while my Eskies went out to take care of business. After several days of this Hayleigh (yard dog) ended up at the back door with Frostie and Laycie (Eskies). I was shocked but happy that the 3 of them had decided to get along in the yard. Delaynie was still acting very aggressive if I stepped into the yard (my dogs are all VERY protective of ME, it's cool!!!) Well, a couple weeks went by with Hayleigh escaping to hang out with Frostie and Laycie when they were out. Then one day I looked up and about passed out. Delaynie was looking in the door at me. For a couple days he and Frostie were a little leery of one another but all in all they made peace. Last night they all slept in the utility room, which is where Frostie and Laycie live because they hate being outside, they hate it with a purple polka dotted passion, well Laycie does and Frostie won't do anything without Laycie. So yeah, it's really strange but VERY nice that they all get along now. Every once in a while Delaynie gets an attitude but Frostie has discovered that he is Alpha dog under me. LOL. He may be 12 years old but he has 3 year old Delaynie on the ground with a growl.
It's really interesting to watch and observe all the different animals on the farm. They all have their own personalities and each one is different. I love seeing how they all learn to work with one another and even different types of animals and how they relate to other kinds. Like the goats and chickens or chickens and rabbit. I love the animals. I should have persued my desire to be a vet. Now I'm just too uninterested in school to go back right now and if I did go back to school I have something I would rather persue than animal medicine.
This is just one day in the life on the farm. Actually make that a few hours. LOL. There is always excitement. Like waiting on the girls (goats) to give birth. LOL. I keep thinking this is it and she keeps going. Can't wait until my calender represents the farm life and I'm not guessing. I hate this hurry up and wait. So I'm sure I'll have more installments to come soon. It's just life on the farm.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Caught In The Middle
So I'm totally addicted to Casting Crowns right now. I love music that says something to me. Tiffany says I'm depressing. LOL. I like Mark Schultz, I love how his music talks to everyday people about live issues. Casting Crowns is the same way. I first fell in love with their song Prayer For A Friend, which really has me thinking, but then I heard their song Somewhere In The Middle and it talked to my heart, because I could relate to it. I like people speaking but sometimes my ADD kicks in and I just kind of zone out/glaze over. Put it to music and you can captivate me. So back to the song.
I feel like I relate so well to this song. People who know me well and have followed me and my scrambled whinings the last few years know I take songs and write blogs based on how the song speaks to me. That is how this one is going now. LOL. Thankfully I have friends that enjoy it and those that don't care, keep quiet.
Somewhere between the hot and the cold.
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me
The middle is where I live, not what I want to be and really as close to God as I use to be. Yet, closer than I have been at times. I've changed so much that I don't always recognize me and at the same I'm not what I was. So I'm just there somewhere in the middle
Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me
Yes, that would be me trying to do right but sometimes falling short. I desire to be Christ-like but often I fall oh so short. I can see the light but it often feels like darkness is what is all around. I was so judgmental expecting others to be a certain way, yet I've changed and I accept people for who they are and I try to live my life in a way that others see Jesus and what he is making me.
Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control
Can we ever surrender without losing control? Right there is a problem I have, I want to truly surrender to Christ but there is a little nagging fear of letting go of the control. So I play the game on the edge dancing with surrender and control and never really giving in or letting go of either.
Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
Reckless abandon would probably be my title for the way I go through life, yet some things are obvious. I was raised in a church that was believed in Faith, we believed anything could happen and expected it too. I grew up with HUGE faith and yet today I sometimes wonder if I even have faith at all. Sad as it is, I know God can do the extraordinary yet I don't seem to really believe it anymore. I am caught in a whirlpool that has dragged me into the middle of the ocean of life.
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
This is an area I live in confusion alot. The God I was raised to serve and the God that I learn about now. They seem like two different God's. I get caught in the middle of serving God and the legalistic God I knew growing up. The life I knew is opposite of the life we have now and we serve the same God.
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle
I think of the dreams and desires I had as a teeneager. The things that were prophesied over me and I wonder if I really will ever be the things that God promised. It's so scary to give over all my dreams to God. I'm scared He will have changed His mind and will withhold the things I want most. Yet I'm drawn to give them up in order to hopefully receive them in reality.
Somewhere between my heart and my hands
My heart has so many things in it, hopes, dreams, desires which my heart wants to have. My hands seem to bring failures, broken dreams shattered in a million pieces all around me and the exact opposite of my deepest secret desires. It's like the things my heart wants my hands make sure are millions of miles apart.
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
I have the above mentioned hopes, dreams and desires, plans I always thought would happen, yet today my faith isn't even strong enough to believe they can happen.
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves
The wind is sending the waves crashing over life and we are in a boat that seems like it could sink at any moment. We spend hours trying to bail water out of our boat called life and the harder you try the faster the water rises. Safety is not what we feel.
Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Life is screaming around me and yet there is a small whisper that I can hear even above the wind and rain of lives storm. It's calling to a place I know well, I used to abide there and yet, I'm caught in the storm.
Somewhere between the altar and the door
So many are lost between the altar and the door. I find myself on my knees tears streaming down a confused face. Because when I get up it will all once again crash around me at the door.
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me
Peace, it's a nice feeling but where can you always find it? It's never enough. I find peace and it's not enough. I'm longing for more and searching to find that place.
Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control
Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Sometimes God is so close and I can't help but to be drawn to him. I know He is there holding me close, loving me when I feel unloveable. Being my best friend when I feel so lonely. I can look back and see that He has always been there. He has protected me so many times when I didn't even know there was a danger. He led me away from the things I thought I wanted most and now I can see that they were meant for my harm, to trip me up and cause me to fall.
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle
Thankfully God loves me even when I'm in the middle. Trying to find the right way. Longing for two worlds and they both seem right. When I'm miserable where I am, God still loves me. When I struggle to just cope with things that seem opposite of right, He loves me still. Because He's my Father and a Dad loves his kids regardless of their ups or downs. A Dad may let his child find his own way for a bit but when they become confused and lost in the crowd he comes and takes my hand and leads me the ways I need to go. It's amazing that God loves me even in my craziest moments.
I feel like I relate so well to this song. People who know me well and have followed me and my scrambled whinings the last few years know I take songs and write blogs based on how the song speaks to me. That is how this one is going now. LOL. Thankfully I have friends that enjoy it and those that don't care, keep quiet.
Somewhere between the hot and the cold.
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me
The middle is where I live, not what I want to be and really as close to God as I use to be. Yet, closer than I have been at times. I've changed so much that I don't always recognize me and at the same I'm not what I was. So I'm just there somewhere in the middle
Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me
Yes, that would be me trying to do right but sometimes falling short. I desire to be Christ-like but often I fall oh so short. I can see the light but it often feels like darkness is what is all around. I was so judgmental expecting others to be a certain way, yet I've changed and I accept people for who they are and I try to live my life in a way that others see Jesus and what he is making me.
Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control
Can we ever surrender without losing control? Right there is a problem I have, I want to truly surrender to Christ but there is a little nagging fear of letting go of the control. So I play the game on the edge dancing with surrender and control and never really giving in or letting go of either.
Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
Reckless abandon would probably be my title for the way I go through life, yet some things are obvious. I was raised in a church that was believed in Faith, we believed anything could happen and expected it too. I grew up with HUGE faith and yet today I sometimes wonder if I even have faith at all. Sad as it is, I know God can do the extraordinary yet I don't seem to really believe it anymore. I am caught in a whirlpool that has dragged me into the middle of the ocean of life.
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
This is an area I live in confusion alot. The God I was raised to serve and the God that I learn about now. They seem like two different God's. I get caught in the middle of serving God and the legalistic God I knew growing up. The life I knew is opposite of the life we have now and we serve the same God.
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle
I think of the dreams and desires I had as a teeneager. The things that were prophesied over me and I wonder if I really will ever be the things that God promised. It's so scary to give over all my dreams to God. I'm scared He will have changed His mind and will withhold the things I want most. Yet I'm drawn to give them up in order to hopefully receive them in reality.
Somewhere between my heart and my hands
My heart has so many things in it, hopes, dreams, desires which my heart wants to have. My hands seem to bring failures, broken dreams shattered in a million pieces all around me and the exact opposite of my deepest secret desires. It's like the things my heart wants my hands make sure are millions of miles apart.
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
I have the above mentioned hopes, dreams and desires, plans I always thought would happen, yet today my faith isn't even strong enough to believe they can happen.
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves
The wind is sending the waves crashing over life and we are in a boat that seems like it could sink at any moment. We spend hours trying to bail water out of our boat called life and the harder you try the faster the water rises. Safety is not what we feel.
Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Life is screaming around me and yet there is a small whisper that I can hear even above the wind and rain of lives storm. It's calling to a place I know well, I used to abide there and yet, I'm caught in the storm.
Somewhere between the altar and the door
So many are lost between the altar and the door. I find myself on my knees tears streaming down a confused face. Because when I get up it will all once again crash around me at the door.
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me
Peace, it's a nice feeling but where can you always find it? It's never enough. I find peace and it's not enough. I'm longing for more and searching to find that place.
Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control
Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Sometimes God is so close and I can't help but to be drawn to him. I know He is there holding me close, loving me when I feel unloveable. Being my best friend when I feel so lonely. I can look back and see that He has always been there. He has protected me so many times when I didn't even know there was a danger. He led me away from the things I thought I wanted most and now I can see that they were meant for my harm, to trip me up and cause me to fall.
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle
Thankfully God loves me even when I'm in the middle. Trying to find the right way. Longing for two worlds and they both seem right. When I'm miserable where I am, God still loves me. When I struggle to just cope with things that seem opposite of right, He loves me still. Because He's my Father and a Dad loves his kids regardless of their ups or downs. A Dad may let his child find his own way for a bit but when they become confused and lost in the crowd he comes and takes my hand and leads me the ways I need to go. It's amazing that God loves me even in my craziest moments.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Landon Tyler Conkle has arrived!!!
Landon Tyler Conkle7lbs 15oz
20in long
Novemeber 4, 2008
2:12PM
Medical City Dallas
I'm in love with another little man!!!
Gosh, how do you love this much and I'm only an aunt. I can't even imagine a mother's love. Gavin and Allyson waiting on Landon to get here!!!
I'm so happy, Landon is here and he is so handsome. We didn't get to see him much because the doctor didn't get there to check him until late and then he had to have a bath and warm back up. So I held his an hour after he was born and that was IT. I'm dying here. LOL. He is precious, he was so laidback just hanging out in the nursery. I'm so thankful to God that he is healthy and happy and beautiful!!! Tiffany is doing fine and we are happy about that.
Allyson went to stay at Mama's house and Gavin came home with us. The little Turkis woke up this morning at 4AM. Yeah, how does he do that, we went to sleep at the same time.
I can't wait until tonight, we will get to go hold Landon and start spoiling him.
It was a typical waiting game yesterday. We got up at 6am and got ready, on the way out we stopped and voted. The line was so long and I was like OH NO, but our last name starts with C and so we bumped to the front of the line basically, the A-K line was very short, guess they all early voted.
Then we stopped and found a Big Brother shirt, Tiffany had found a Big Sister shirt for Allyson. We got to the hospital about 9:15am. We had fun watching the kids and Gavin liked visiting the snack machine. LOL. Tiffany's Mom and sisters got there about 2:20ish, Landon had just been born. Just after 3 we all go to go back and see him and hold him. That has got to be the most awesome thing ever, at least to me and I'm a bit old fashioned, holding a newborn baby. Someday perhaps I'll get my turn.
My Election Ramblings
OK, so for the record, I can't stand Obama. I hate fakes and people that talk and never really get around to anything. So there is my stand and I'm sticking to it. Sorry for those of you that love him we all have our opinions and that's mine.
As for winning/losing, I believe God is in control of everything in this universe, he was also in control of Sodom and Gomorrah. LOL. I originally watched Obama very closely because he could draw you in and he was so Charismatic. But after several speeches I still didn't know what he stood for. When the canditates that I liked were obviously not going to win and McCain became the lead runner I wasn't going to vote PERIOD. I wasn't just real fond of him either. I did however like Palin, I hope we see her pop back up. She believed in things that were important to me and my family.
I hope Obama works out, I doubt it because in my opinion Presidents terms and what happens in them aren't only the views of that President, the policies they pass or do not pass are affected by many other people/areas, the House, Senate, etc. We'll see.
At least I won't have to stand to the side if things go bad and wish I had cast my vote. It was cast and for McCain/Palin so if things go sour I'll know I did my part.
If you didn't vote you really can't gripe either way. I was very happy to see Texas kept our Republican Majority. Tarrant County kept their Deomocratic majority and that is the pits. Tarrant County is in need of some serious help, but I'm not Tarrant, I'm Johnson County and most of our canditates were Republican and non-contested (I think it's called when no one runs against them, LOL) So we laughed about that fact.
So we will go forward and see if I get to trash the next President as much as some of you trashed the current, which wasn't perfect but HELLO, Obama sure isn't either. LOL.
I have tons of friends and I've gotten even more emails and comments from customers that believe Obama will usher in the Anti-Christ, I don't know about that. I live my life based on the Bible and the Bible alone, so I know I'm on the right path and regardless of what happens in the future, I'm OK. If the Tribulation is soon to come OK, I will endure with God in control and if it's like some believe that it will never come, well, that is OK with me too. LOL. I'm not scared of Obama because God is actually the one in control, so Obama can't do anything God won't allow. Sometimes God allows things to happen in order to punish people for their stupid actions but HE is always in control. I also know that God will never give us more than we can bear.
So to the next Presidential term, Good Luck. And I hope a lady wins next term!!! LOL.
GIRL POWER!!!! ROFLOL
As for winning/losing, I believe God is in control of everything in this universe, he was also in control of Sodom and Gomorrah. LOL. I originally watched Obama very closely because he could draw you in and he was so Charismatic. But after several speeches I still didn't know what he stood for. When the canditates that I liked were obviously not going to win and McCain became the lead runner I wasn't going to vote PERIOD. I wasn't just real fond of him either. I did however like Palin, I hope we see her pop back up. She believed in things that were important to me and my family.
I hope Obama works out, I doubt it because in my opinion Presidents terms and what happens in them aren't only the views of that President, the policies they pass or do not pass are affected by many other people/areas, the House, Senate, etc. We'll see.
At least I won't have to stand to the side if things go bad and wish I had cast my vote. It was cast and for McCain/Palin so if things go sour I'll know I did my part.
If you didn't vote you really can't gripe either way. I was very happy to see Texas kept our Republican Majority. Tarrant County kept their Deomocratic majority and that is the pits. Tarrant County is in need of some serious help, but I'm not Tarrant, I'm Johnson County and most of our canditates were Republican and non-contested (I think it's called when no one runs against them, LOL) So we laughed about that fact.
So we will go forward and see if I get to trash the next President as much as some of you trashed the current, which wasn't perfect but HELLO, Obama sure isn't either. LOL.
I have tons of friends and I've gotten even more emails and comments from customers that believe Obama will usher in the Anti-Christ, I don't know about that. I live my life based on the Bible and the Bible alone, so I know I'm on the right path and regardless of what happens in the future, I'm OK. If the Tribulation is soon to come OK, I will endure with God in control and if it's like some believe that it will never come, well, that is OK with me too. LOL. I'm not scared of Obama because God is actually the one in control, so Obama can't do anything God won't allow. Sometimes God allows things to happen in order to punish people for their stupid actions but HE is always in control. I also know that God will never give us more than we can bear.
So to the next Presidential term, Good Luck. And I hope a lady wins next term!!! LOL.
GIRL POWER!!!! ROFLOL
Monday, November 3, 2008
My Love/Hate Relationship
OK, I'm not a patient person, I hate the whole learning process. Why can't we just suddenly KNOW something? I'm Loving PhotoShop CS4 Extended but man ole man, I Hate the figuring it all out and remembering what I did. LOL. Working on the Announcement for Landon's arrival tomorrow and PhotoShop is just taking too long. So off to Photobuckets Scrapbook section. It's great also.
Fall Festival in Balch Springs
April Willis and Me, Cheesing
Jenny Boyd, Me and Julie Boatman
Jenny Boyd, Me and Julie Boatman
Well, I went to the Fall Festival at GAT and had a blast.
I played the balloon relay, yeah your shocked I know. Sis. Elms is great in persuading people. LOL. I blew the ballon up HUGE, and when it was my turn, I walked quickly (I don't run, too much fat gets to bouncing around and might not stop, hehe) sat on my balloon and it WOULD NOT POP. I bounced and finally popped it with my hand. I was rolling laughing. The pic is dark but I was cracking up.
The food was great, just good fattening mexican type stuff. I had some velvetta cheese rolls that were to die for, have no clue who made them. WOW, they were good, OH, and hot. LOL. Mine was made with the Mexican Velveeta and cream cheese and the green chilies. YUMMY. I watched the pumpkin roll relay. You had to roll a pumpkin with your feet across the gym around a chair and back. The Elms raced each other and I laughed until I cried, it was so funny.
Julie and I discussed Life Situations. LOL. Basically we discussed singleness and our struggles and such. Was very nice to have someone to relate with back and forth. Then I learned that on my new Walkman Phone I can pull up peoples pics on MySpace so Kevin, Jenny and I looked at Ari's (Lorinda's new baby) pictures.
A group decided to play Spoons, but I was zoning out by then to I didn't play I would have just lost in my sleepy condition. However I enjoyed listening to them play because they used Pit cards. LOL. Spoons is a crazy game with regular cards but put Pit cards in the mix and that was a CRAZY game.
I left at midnight because I knew with all the late nights I'd had I was goign to get too sleepy to drive but it was a great time for Robert and I. Hope you enjoy the pics.
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