Ranchin'

Ok, so to officially be a ranch you have to have 25 head of cattle. I don't even own 1 head of cattle. However, I think the goose, 4 goats and horse are onry as 25 head of cattle. LOL.

So I've been going on and on about adding a fenced in area where there is grass so I can let the animals out to graze sometimes. Well, Rowdy has been in a horrible mood, like really really bad mood. He wants out of his yard. So I put his lead and harness thingy on and let him graze but I have to stay right there. Sooooo, we got to talking Saturday and decided, you know what? Let's just buy the posts and put it up. So I bought 8 metal posts and a neighbor (builds houses in our area) gave me a bunch of hog fencing. So we put up posts (Yes, even I had a hammer and I have the sore muscles and hands to prove it. LOL) and tied the fencing up and though it's not as secure as it needs to be for the goats, it's perfect for Rowdy and I'm so proud!!! The goats have not pushed their limits yet, hopefully having the grass to eat in small doses, they will be so happy to have grass they don't try to escape. My experience with my girls is that they only try to push the fence limits when they don't have green grass and there is some just outside the fence. LOL.

Dad is doing better. He goes Wednesday to the surgeon to schedule for his dialysis port. Then September 15th he goes for his other eye surgery!!! He officially starts driving again tomorrow!!! Thank You Jesus. LOL.

So Last night I went to Chuck's Pawpaw's viewing. He seemed like such a nice man and obviously he was. The chapel was packed!!! I told Ruby, it makes you think if I died tomorrow what would the viewing look like? Would I be that loved? You know you go through life and realize no one notices you missing and you wonder do I make a ripple in this big pond called life?? I have to wonder.

Last night I also got to watch Tim preach at The Rock Church. They had what my grandparents called a Holy Ghost Hoedown!!! Tim preached about Celebrating and it was great!! I had tears in my eyes watching the alter call. Where are those services? Where is the Power? I go visit places and there it is, but how do you find it? Mom and I were talking about how it seems we are asleep. Perhaps I am, would not doubt it but there is a stirring deep inside and I'm longing for something I can't find. I'm searching, longing for a relationship with a Creator that will heal me, cleanse me, love me.

Where is it? The Power

What a Weekend!!!

So, this last week has been so crazy. It has been a very busy and full week/end, some good and some bad stuff. So here goes, thankfully most readers have no clue who I am, come on China??? I don't know anyone in China, or how about Tessakaniki or something like that... where do you even find that country, I guess, whatever. LOL. It's like hmmm!!!



So the week started out OK, I can't remember what went on last weekend but I somehow got alot of rest and Monday started out well, Tuesday was OK. My sister in law, Tiffany, and I decided we would join a gym and began researching womens gyms, we wanted to wear the correct attire for working out and skirts are hard to work around and not be immodest. So we checked out LOA and it's exactly what we were wanting and more!!!

Now it's been another week and so much has happened!!! Top it all with I'm so confused and though I know no one gives a care, it makes the confusion worse. Yes, I'm talking in riddles and no you don't understand. I'm not asking anyone to understand, the important ones, mentors and those I deem most important in my life to help me make decision in my life know and no one else matters.

Things look like they are about to get better, I hope so!!! Other areas, not so sure.

Headed to lala land, perhaps I'll get some peaceful good rest. I worked hard today, very busy day!!!

OK, I'm officially scared. LOL

I hate doctors, I'm not talking about a mild dislike, I out and out HATE them. They scare the living daylights out of me.

I tried to renew my BP meds and they renewed them one more time and that is it. So now it's getting down to time to renew and I HAVE to go to the doc to get my script. ARGH!!!

See, my BP is perfectly normal as long as I take meds at least everyother day and there is no major stress in my life. But BP was not the only problems. I wish they would go away and I could go on the way I have for years with no insurance. See I can't get insurance, it's not a option through work and I literally can not get it on my own, I am overweight and am a risk because of health issues like high BP. So they refer you to Texas High Risk Insurance and there you get to pay $500 a month and get nothing, basically they will cover very small things and your deductibles are sky high, it's just not plausible.

So since my County isn't set up for people like me, I did the only thing I could think of and took a test run through the local free clinic. It was humiliating and I went home and bawled my eyes out. It was the most embarrassing thing I've ever endured and the problem I went for they agreed all the symptoms were there and when blood work came back ok, that was that. My problem wasn't fixed it just wasn't that. It was so frustrating. I called Medicaid and even at my part time pay I wasn't eligible for any type of help. So I could use a Dallas address and go to Parkland, but that is so scary to me. I've never had to do this. Now that I NEED, medical attention it is almost impossible to find without moving to a different county?

Cancer is just one of the things that is very prominent in my families genes and I know I have to go but could we not make it possible so that people like me could go to our regular doctor without it costing me out the kazoo??? Sigh, so here goes my journey in finding out what is wrong with me.

I hate looking up symptoms because it will scare you out of your ever loving mind.

So, I will head out to my regular doc who hopefully can give me options. I can only hope.

Been Awhile!!

So it's been awhile since I've taken time to write. Lots of reasons and there have been a few days I was just totally messed up and just couldn't do it. But here I am, I never go away for long.

I've had a few really bad months and even worse last few weeks. The last week has been different. I went last weekend to Houston to hear my "little brother" Tim preach. I will tell you right now the freedom to worship is there. I had a great time, he didn't even get to preach but I left so uplifted by the service they had. We heard several testimonies that night of God working in situations that there was no way. God made a way!!! I stored away things I saw there in my memories. It had been so long since I was in a service where the spirit of God just flowed freely, there was no schedule, no "we need to get to the next thing". Just an awesome spirit of God. I drank freely because I was so parched!!! It was like home. Honestly, I felt so free, so hungry for that unfettered anointing I felt. The service started and I looked over at my Mom and just mouthed it has that "I'm home feeling". She agreed. I can't explain it, it was familiar and I have visited one other time as a child so it's not I just knew the people. It just had that feeling and I couldn't help but worship and praise with my whole heart. Most of the service I had tears streaming down my face. I didn't feel worried about if I was doing something right or wrong, I just knew I had a freedom to just worship in my own way. I'm shy and I am not one to make myself at home in a strange church. But I felt at home there. I had a conversation with a relative that I have much respect for and he had attended a church in the DFW area for a short period and he made the statment that his spirit connected with that churches spirit. It just wasn't the will of God for that time. That is my experience it was a connection that was familiar in a spiritual sense. It's not because I'm spiritual, LOL, truth be told I'm probably more confused in this stage of my life than I have ever been before. Strange?? Maybe not. 1 received the Holy Ghost and everyone went home changed, our burdens of life lifted

Then Wednesday I heard that Bro Riggen (who I've known all my life) would be in Tyler preaching so I packed an overnight bag and went to visit Teresa, Jimmy & Katie and went to church 3 miles from their house. He preached a message that spoke straight to my heart. I found myself on my knees talking to a God that a week before I was struggling with if he even cared. Bro. Riggin preached on Friend or Foe. Judas and Peter. How God called Peter Satan and Judas friend. Peter had the KEYS to the kingdom and he rebuked him and called him satan. But Judas who came to the garden and betrayed Jesus with a kiss, God called him friend. He spoke on how Jesus HAD to go to the cross and Judas was a part of that and because of it, he was a friend. Even in the betrayal, he pussed Jesus to the cross and therefore was a friend. But Peter wanted to keep it from happening. He brought it down to our lives and how we go through things that we feel like is killing us but if it's keeping us on our knees, Judas is our friend. Peter is the type that will try to placate you and he becomes your foe. He told the story of a lady in a Pentecostal church that was faithful and endured horrible beatings from her husband for going. If he caught her praying he would severly beat her. It was a really bad situation. The day came when her husband died and everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Problem was 3 years later she died lost, backslidden, away from God. His point was her husband was her Judas it was what kept her on her knees. 1 backslider prayed back through

Then Friday night, our cousins called and were going to preaching for a small church in Midlothian, which is about 15 minutes from our house. We had church. There is probably about 20-30 people in the church and the spirit of God was there!!! I forgot about little churches and so we all had to testify. They had a full house. Bro. Daniels preached on having babies in the church. It was a very good message. I think they had 1 get the Holy Ghost. Pretty sure everyone there was renewed.

I've really been thinking and praying about God's will for my life. I'm very restless and searching for a change. I'm not sure what will come of it but I do know God knows where I am and what I need and He will make a way.

Yesterday in church. Bro Pixler preached yesterday morning on the heart and last night Bro. Zorich preached on Asking God. It hit home with me because I'm one that had prayed for so long I just gave up, perhaps I need to renew my requests. LOL.

I gave up everything I've been doing at church. I'm tired, discouraged and need a renewing. Most don't agree with me but in Bro. Riggin's message on of the things he pointed out several times was does it draw us to God or away from God. He said if problems in our life are pulling us away from God we need to think about them and if they are really important to us, because if they cause us to lose out with God it's not our friend it's our foe, it's our Peter. But if it's drawing us to God we need to pray that God gives us strength to go through it because Judas will push to the cross. I'm reprioritizing (I know that is incorrectly spelled, hmmm) the things in my life. I pretty much dumped everything. I know where I have been in God and I'm not even close and I feel a drawing deep inside and I'm not sure what to do. So I figure start back over at square one and begin to draw near to God and let him lead me in the next faze of my life.

It's All About Relationship!!!

So my brother is working on a Bible Study of sorts and I can't wait to get it. We talk everyday and we always get around to what is truth and what is not. We believe it all comes around to relationships. It's our relationship with God, not what we do or do not do, but it is just having a ongoing open relationship with Him.

See for example, in my family there are times, believe it or not, that we don't agree. We don't hate each other and never see one another. No, we begin to work to find common ground on the issue. There are things we do and don't do that are just out of respect for one another.

I am coming to believe that if I just keep a healthy relationship with my FATHER, I will see His ways more clearly. I've been trying so hard to understand it all, I thought I was losing my mind. I was getting more and more confused. I was trying to take people and their beliefs and figure it into mine. The other day it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I have to stop listening to what everyone else thinks and just pray and "seek out my own salvation". Not in that I make it up in my mind, but by studying God's word I find truth in It's pages.

It's amazing the pressure that leaves you when you give it to Him. He doesn't expect me to be perfect. I've lived my whole life stressing over the fact I have to be perfect and that isn't so. He only asks that I follow Him and believe.

Sunday we had a very good 2 services. I enjoyed them so much, the rejoicing and dancing and jumping in the spirit. The Bible says Leap FOR Joy. I believe that!!! I was so full when we left the service, I had a smile on my face and joy in my spirit.

Bad Week

OK, so you KNOW you had a bad week when you write to release your feelings and you are in so much turmoil that you can't get your feelings to come out. I can have any kind of emotion usually and sit down and just start typing and it all just starts pouring out. I get up and walk away knowing I will be OK.

Last week I couldn't even write. How crazy!!

So looking back it was just a really emotional crazy week. So much went down. Came home from vacation and I didn't want too, LOL. Sounds like a little kid, huh. Everything in Winter Park/Granby is perfect. Well the 40 below in winter might be a bit much. I even found apartments up there and got a price on them. I'm serious, I didn't want to come home. I do however, believe in living my life in God's Will. So, I came home and asked Him to find a way to send me back up there. LOL. You think I'm joking? You have NO idea how serious I am about going back, it may be 5 years from now but I would love to move up there.

So drove into Texas and hit the 107 degree heat. I started sweating at the border and I don't know if I have stopped yet. It was horrible, then my a/c quite blowing cold air so we sat in traffic in 107 degree temps. I was so frustrated and a little disgusted that I live in Texas. Now, don't get me wrong Texas is a great state to live in but why oh why can't we have Colorado weather???

So then get home and the house is like a sauna, hot!!! The next day I'm driving to work and I am sitting at a red light nad I hear this AWFUL noise, I wondered if that was MY car. We took off and the noise quit so I thought it must be another vehicle. My car didn't have much power but perhaps I was imagining it. I am related to my Mom the BEST worrier around. Headed after work to pick up my Dad, I start to back out and there was that horrid noise and it was MY car. I stopped jumped out, raised the hood and couldn't figure it out. So took it by my mechanic and he gives me the wonderful news that the compressor bearing is locking up. Then he explains that if I keep driving it it WILL lock up and then the it will overheat, the belt that does EVERYTHING will burn up and break and etc etc all the things that would need to be fixed over just the compressor. I was so discouraged, I went home and when your house is over run where do you go for privacy??? So I just laid on my bed not caring who came in or didn't and just stared turned on a message by Dr. Jeffers and let his words reach deep inside me to the places that hurt. I couldn't stop the tears. I was boo hooing, just quiet tears flowing out from all the hurt inside, the stupid compressor was just the cherry on top. Mom decided to go get her tire fixed (she had a blow out that day also), if she was taking everyone to work and picking us all up PLUS she had to go to stores in Waco (part of her territory for work). Then we went by and spent time with Gavin and Landon, those 2 can lift your spirits!!! Gavin was showing us all his "dance move tricks". I love watching him dance, he is so limber and actually quite a good interpretor of music to dance. Too funny.

Then the next morning we get up jump in Mom's car and I'm driving and we didn't see anythign but something was in the road and YUP, immediate flat!!! Drove very slowly down to where I could turn onto a street we get out (let me stop here to say my Mom carries and ungodly amount of stuff to do with her job IN HER TRUNK. It all has to come out to get to the spare. Then she remembers, the guy who had helped her with her blow out 2 days before had to use his own tire iron because she obviously didn't have one. We are like a mile from home and it's hot as blazes already. I call Bob he brings one down and bless his heart, he changed the tire also!! Get everythign in the trunk, tire in backseat. I look at the spare and ask a simple question, is that low?? LOL, it was so to the gas station for air. Dad says we can't go around on a spare that is losing air so off to a tire shop to buy yet another new tire. So you see how my week went? It is just full of those kinds of moments, that was BEFORE they told me my car would be over $600. LOL. I was past the laughing until I cried, I just laid my head down and cried. Where is the end??? Perhaps there isn't one??

I got home that night and talked to my best friend on the phoen and she shared the same story to me not knowing what I had gone through. The whole week I fought the worst anger I've ever had. I just hated EVERYTHING and ONE. LOL. I'm not real sure what was wrong with me. Funny thing is I talked to so many friends calling about my vacation and they were all the same way. Strange, we decided the moon and stars were out of alignment or something. It was too weird.

I do have good news, the craziness we've had goign on for 4 months comes to an end this week. It's funny because Saturday night I was so crazy, I prayed and told God HE knew what I could handle and I was really starting to doubt because I was really feeling like I was living on the edge, kind of on a emotional teeter totter. I just told him in plain english that I didn't understand, I was trying to have a good attitude until last week and trying to be kind and all but I just needed Him to understand I didn't think I could keep on this open ended situation. I needed it to either END OR give me a set time it would end so I would know. The next morning I found out it will be ending. I was still feeling kind of out of it and numb and was in my jamma's at 10am. But I thought the Devil knows my fragile mind and knows if he can get me seperated for God I will not make it, I'll crash and burn in a heap like you have never seen. I remembered my Dad telling me about 8 years ago to just "go to church, if you don't live it, if you don't get involved just sit there" so Sunday morning I decided that is what I will do, I'm not going to quit. Let the whole world fall around me, I just wasn't sure if this mental or emotional battle could get any worse. I mean I had been sooooo depressed all week.

But yesterday mornings message reached through the fog a bit. Last night message was awesome!!! It's like an awakening. He kept talking about a place in God that is so deep and I know what he is talking about but sometimes it seems like that place will never be felt again. We do go through things for a reason I believe that. I have to wonder why, though??? Will it come to a place that it will end? Then I think about the fact perhaps I'm not to where God wants me? I have a hard time pressing through the fog, could it be the devil is fighting me that hard? If so, why ever for???

I just have to believe that the answers will become clear and perhaps it is about relationship!!

What a week!! This one ranks up there with the worst. I talked to a friend of mine while on vacation. She was giving me info on contacting some people to get involved in singles events.