Covenant Child by Terri Blackstock

OMW!!! I just finished this book today and boy did it speak to my heart. Yes, it's a fiction book but wait until you read it. It is an awesome book that does a great job at sharing Christs love for us in a way we can understand easily, and it also shows how so many of us are. Untrusting and scared to be loved. I will be sitting down tonight, hopefully, and writing down my thoughts using their study guide in the back.

This book is sooooooo good. I recommend it to anyone that is looking for a new book to read. It shows how God is reaching out to us, watching over us, if you will, and yet we can't accept his love to us because we don't believe.

I can relate to both twins in the story because one part of me is trusting and reaches out to God and believes and lives by His word. So that I, like Lizzie, can live in His house and there is so much. He gives and blesses us and all we have to do is follow His ways.

Then I relate to Kara and her attitude of untrust and finding her own way. She made so many bad decisions because she just couldn't believe that Amanda was real adn honest and so she went through so many things until at her wits end she made the call that brought into motion all the things she could have had all along and just couldn't believe.

My life is like this, Lizzie is the one part that wants to believe and does to a point. Sometimes the Kara inside of me is the loudest with her "what if's". It's as easy as believing and yet something that easy is so hard to do. I love God and want Him to have control and yet there is this little voice inside of me that says but what if He doesn't come through this time. LOL. Life is hard and the more you lose the more you struggle with trusting Him.

Words are easy, but do I really trust???

When is Selfish

OK, so Sunday Bro. Tiger Hille preached on No Room, but really was talking about simplifying your life to make room for God. I took that to a new level, well, actually I believe God dealt with my heart during the message that I have got to simplify my life. I live for others, my decisions in life are based on what will so and so say about this, will they allow that, will they still be my friend if I say or do etc etc etc. OK, so it sounds crazy to you but that is how my life is made up. Trying to follow everyones rules and regulatiosn and restrictions so that my life has joy. I just spent a weekend where about half of it was filled with tears because actions I took to surprise people was blown WAY out of proportion and I got blasted because of it. I was being nice and kind and generous and giving and I got took down several notches, I couldn't sleep Friday night, I laid looking at the ceiling tears pouring trying to figure out why I give and give and give expecting nothing in return, I don't expect any extra favors or thank you's, etc. But in not expecting anything in return I got very blindsided by anger that was directed at me in a very public manner. It crushed me, because I have given in excess and would do it again and I get hurt and games played with me. I try to not care but the last month or so my depression has come back full fledged and I've struggled with so many things. I finally sat down and just opened up about my hurt, then Sunday morning he preached Simplify!!!! So I told my parents this weekend, it's time to get real. Do not expect me to tip toe around you and your ideas, I can't do it anymore, it's killing me. Literally. I have friends that because of churches I attend or things I do, they come and go in my life. Our friendship is literally contingent on if I life just like them, standard wise and otherwise. I worry and fret over what they hear or what I say and pictures I send. Why? To maintain a relationship that is one sided, I am bowing to them and the stress and worry is too much.

I deal with depression, anxiety, etc over my Mom and Dad's health. I don't have time for finicky relationships. You can ask my bestest friend in the WHOLE world, Ruby, nad she will tell you, I accept you just like you are. Your weird ideas and differing degrees of beliefs and standards. Lord, does Ruby ever know, I have been tested and tried. ROFLOL. But other than Ruby, I've never received that kind of acceptance. If I admit to watching the wrong type of show, phone calls and emails quit. If you don't agree with my attire or hair dos I don't get invited anymore. I told my Mom this morning, I have fought this stupid depression for over a month at this severe of a degree and the last 2 or 3 days I have had chest pains and anxiety attacks and it's not worth it. Nothing is worth this pain. I have got to learn to live for myself and God and let the others go. If they stay, great!!! If not, I'll learn to get over the pain. Someday...

So for now, I am living life for ME!!!

Simplify Life

So I'm learning lessons in life, don't love too deeply or you set yourself for hurt. Believe me!!! There are not many people I love deeply and would do or give anything too. I'm learning that isn't healthy because your well intentioned plans and ideas might backfire and leave laying awake at night, tears streaming down your face wondering why you love so deeply and it's never reciprocated??

So I know you don't give to receive and you should give expecting nothing in return and I was taught this my whole life, you hear it preached from time to time. I agree wholeheartedly with this idea and I love the Christmas Season because I love planning and shopping and looking for the perfect gifts. Everyone isn't that way though.

Jason Crabb - Sometimes I Cry.flv

OK, this song just became my favorite!!! So true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Been Awhile

OMG!! It's been almost a month since I wrote last. It's the holiday time of year and it's getting busy. People come and gone and that chapter is OVER!!!

I was so excited about the holidays and a email full of funnies that got a little sharp and a weird moment with my Social Anxiety where I sat in front of my gym and bawled my eyes out because I could not for the life of me force myself to go inside because of the amount of people inside sent me spirling into a really bad depression. I fell into a mode of eating and sleeping, couldn't get enough sleep and food. It's been awhile since my world has been that dark. The last week or so my brother kept me busy hanging out, went to their house and had a "party" LOL. Then shopped til I dropped and church was good yesterday and I feel better today. First time in a couple weeks but I'm thankfull!!!

Tonight since I'm feeling better I have lots to do!!! Need to get the Christmas village set up and the front door wreath done. Sooo, hopefully Stephanie will be bored and want to come hang out and help. LOL.

I'll write again soon.

Busy Busy Busy!!!

So the last few weeks have been crazy busy as usual!!!

Changing churches has left me with a packed schedule!!! I landed myself smack dab in the middle of a large, very busy/active church. Not that my prior churches were not but as a single female I never found my place. I feel like God has led me to where I am now and I'm excited and busy and loving life. So many things to talk about.

I auditioned for the choir and made it. Now just getting to practice and singing!!! Very excited about that. The music is out of this world. The praise team sings with such passion and anointing!!! Sis Foster leads the worship service with an anointing that not very many people find. A couple of weeks ago I had a visitor and when we finished praying for her a lady in the church came up to me and laid hands on me and begin to pray that God would bless me and touch me, etc. All the things people say when they pray but then she got down to my life! She begin to ask God to give me courage and strength in my life to be able to face the things I have to deal with. She then begin to pray regardign the heavy burden and load that I carry on my shoulders because of my responsibilities with my family. That God knew the load I'm carrying and that He cares and will be there with me when I'm alone. I was bawling. See, no one has a clue about my life. Most people don't!!! There are people that know alot and still probably don't know the affect things in life have on me. But God has shown me His ways recently and I've gained a new lease on life. I'm excited about God and church. It's been a long time.

So, last Saturday I went to Ladies Brunch and we had some AWESOME food and fellowship, then a time of praise and worship together, then Sis. Foster talked on prayer and meditating on God. It was so awesome. For several months I have felt like something inside of me was coming back to life or wanting to but I was so numb and dead feeling. Today I feel alive and that little nudging feeling inside of me has burst into bloom and my life has found meaning and a reason for a future. God is becoming so real, I go to services and He is there to strengthen me and give me joy!!! Oh, the joy!!! Back to Saturday... After Sis Foster had talked she asked us to begin to pray together and the Spirit of God came in so real and sweet. Then she asked us to find one person close by and one on one pray a blessing on our sister and so we begin to do that. As we were praying I felt like an urgency came into the room and Sis Foster begin to talk to us about how some didn't know it but what they were receiving in that moment was important because of the things they would soon face. Little did I know!!!

I lift there flew over to Toys R Us to buy Landon's birthday present and then trying to call my brother back I noticed a strange number on my phone. I got the worst feeling, it just swept over me. I ignored the call and went on about my business. We were having a great watching Landon eat his birthday cake and get it everywhere when I got a notification that I had a message on Facebook on my iPhone, curious I logged in and literally stopped cold. I stared at the message trying to decide what to do. Do I just ignore it which is what I wanted to do or pass the message on to my Mom who really doesn't need this right now?? I thought about it, logged out and my heart was racing and I had that detached numb feeling, finally I told her and she said she had heard, she had received a phone call and "they" were wanting to come back and told me the situation. I will just openly state, I'm tired of people that use and take advantage of others. I'm through with it. My Mom is not a healthy person mentally right now. Don't understand the attack my family is under but we do not need this right now. I was seeing healing and unity come back to our family and in one instant 3 people totally ruined all that we had found!!!

When we refused to extend an open invitation to them my Mom fell into a depression, I call it pouting, she would have beat my behind for acting that way. But oh well!!! Monday rolled around and you know it she left for Houston to pick them up. Amazing they fell right back into their lazy routine. Everyone wants a handout but they don't want to work for it.

So for today they supposedly will be leaving next week if not well, lets say I will take care of it. I'm sick of people using my Mom for their advantage because they know she can't say No. It won't happen again. I have been praying and praying along with other members of my family that my Mom will find healing for her mind and emotions but you can't get help for things you refuse to acknowledge. I know that God sees and He cares because He has been touching my life and mine and heart.

Where my family is headed in teh future I have no idea. I do know though, that God has a work for us and I have prayed and God has heard, He has awakened me and has begin to pick up the pieces of my broken dreams and promises and He is making them new. As Bro. Kenneth Haney preached last weekend, God is breathing on them and these dry bones will live again!!!

I don't know what the future holds and I don't understand why the battles have been hard and long but I do know that God knows!!! He has a work for me and the devil knows also. The devil knows that as long as he keeps my family divided and dragged down we can not rise above!! He also sees that we are awake and with Gods help we are coming out!!! The victory will be great.

This very long, very hard storm has been our test but we will rise above!!!!

I Get Angry At Myself!!!

So, the last week or so has not gone so well... Yesterday was a really bad day overall. Ended up I was dehydrated and such and went to bed early and began to feel better.

Today I felt well but tonight I drove to the gym, pulled in and parked and there were just too many people and I couldn't do it. I bawled all teh way home so frustrated but not sure how to get over this hump. It could all be better tomorrow or I may be like this for weeks, who knows.

Mom told me tonight she thinks my phobia is extreme because of my worry over my Dad. I don't know why but I wish it would stop.

My poor brother isn't any better, he's worse, having panic attacks. Sigh, I am going to go to sleep.