Just Hurts

They lie awake and wonder why no one really cares.
Everybody gave them their fear,
To a caring listening ear
And now they just lie crying because no one cares.

Why does it all hurt so
Does the pain ere go away
Will life ever get to normal
And keep the pain away

They run hard to distance from the hurt
Close down
Ignore the pain
Numb your mind.

He Will Go All The Way

OK, so today I read this little poem or whatever written by my aunt, Stephanie Pollay.

You have hurt me in the past, yet I hold no grudge.
You have turned your back on me, but I stood behind you.
You have played a part in things I begged you not to do
You've walked away from me....

When you come back, I will meet you halfway
Because... I love you!

She wrote the poem and in her mind it was God speaking. I read it and gained a whole different perspective. I read it as person to person. As people we have those that hurt us and turn on hus and do things we wish they would not. Yet, even then we don't hold a grudge and we stand behind them still to support and encourage.

My mind goes to one of my very best friends and my friendship. This person made some rather poor decisions and I warned her against them. She was an adult and made her own ways. When it all fell apart I was there to help pick up the pieces and start again. I never supported her ways but I was always her friend. True friendship is what I call it. Regardless of what was done or said, I was always there. There were even times when I made my opinions known to her and she became so angry she wouldn't speak to me. Yet when it all was said and done we were still friends. That is because friendship is not based on actions or if we are perfect people or not. It's a deep love that does not have conditions.

Take a family that is torn apart by assumptions and neither side wants to be the one to tear down the walls of hurt and deceit. Love should never be conditional or used to toy with another person. Love should be able to overcome every hardship.

Then my mind drifts to a situation a dear friend of mine is in. What a cost to pay.

My aunt said the poem in her head is like the prodigal son and how the father met him halfway. I've heard it preached over and over in terms of God being the father and us the son and God will meet us in the middle. Today for some reason, it really reached in my spirit and begin to grow. For some reason I couldn't get it off my mind, I begin to wonder about that parable and did it really say they met in the middle? I read that parable of the prodigal son and guess what??? It does NOT say they met in the middle. It says (Luke) that the son said to himself that he would go up to his father and offer to be a servent in his fathers house. He headed home and when he was still afar off the father saw him and ran to him and kissed him. It doesn't say the son ran or that the son met his father in the middle. The father saw him afar and ran. I'm not sure why it strikes me like this. It hit me like a stone, a revelation I guess that we don't have to meet God in the middle. We just have to say to ourselves, we are headed to God and he is waiting for us and when He sees us begin to make our way toward Him, I'm sure tears come to His eyes as He says there is my son or daughter and He runs to US, not US to HIM.

Here is where it really got me, if God were to have met us in the middle... We would have had to go to Calvary, correct? To meet in the middle would have put us at Calvary. Instead God went all the way for us. That really got to me that the Love of God is so far reaching that when we can't reach up, it reaches down to us.

To me that is the best love.

On the other hand of that, this same poem spoke to me of forgiveness. I've heard so man people say with words that they forgive but really don't forgive. Forgiveness is letting it go when we are hurt or wronged. Forgiveness is sometimes never getting an apology but loving them anyways. Forgiveness is overlooking the things that don't really matter. Forgiveness is reaching out to those who turned their backs on you. It's not letting issues get between you but climbing over the little speedbumps because they really don't matter. It's letting all the bitterness go and just looking forward. It's something we have to chose to do and it's hard and sometimes it hurts and it doesn't seem far... Forgive!!!

Covenant Child by Terri Blackstock

OMW!!! I just finished this book today and boy did it speak to my heart. Yes, it's a fiction book but wait until you read it. It is an awesome book that does a great job at sharing Christs love for us in a way we can understand easily, and it also shows how so many of us are. Untrusting and scared to be loved. I will be sitting down tonight, hopefully, and writing down my thoughts using their study guide in the back.

This book is sooooooo good. I recommend it to anyone that is looking for a new book to read. It shows how God is reaching out to us, watching over us, if you will, and yet we can't accept his love to us because we don't believe.

I can relate to both twins in the story because one part of me is trusting and reaches out to God and believes and lives by His word. So that I, like Lizzie, can live in His house and there is so much. He gives and blesses us and all we have to do is follow His ways.

Then I relate to Kara and her attitude of untrust and finding her own way. She made so many bad decisions because she just couldn't believe that Amanda was real adn honest and so she went through so many things until at her wits end she made the call that brought into motion all the things she could have had all along and just couldn't believe.

My life is like this, Lizzie is the one part that wants to believe and does to a point. Sometimes the Kara inside of me is the loudest with her "what if's". It's as easy as believing and yet something that easy is so hard to do. I love God and want Him to have control and yet there is this little voice inside of me that says but what if He doesn't come through this time. LOL. Life is hard and the more you lose the more you struggle with trusting Him.

Words are easy, but do I really trust???

When is Selfish

OK, so Sunday Bro. Tiger Hille preached on No Room, but really was talking about simplifying your life to make room for God. I took that to a new level, well, actually I believe God dealt with my heart during the message that I have got to simplify my life. I live for others, my decisions in life are based on what will so and so say about this, will they allow that, will they still be my friend if I say or do etc etc etc. OK, so it sounds crazy to you but that is how my life is made up. Trying to follow everyones rules and regulatiosn and restrictions so that my life has joy. I just spent a weekend where about half of it was filled with tears because actions I took to surprise people was blown WAY out of proportion and I got blasted because of it. I was being nice and kind and generous and giving and I got took down several notches, I couldn't sleep Friday night, I laid looking at the ceiling tears pouring trying to figure out why I give and give and give expecting nothing in return, I don't expect any extra favors or thank you's, etc. But in not expecting anything in return I got very blindsided by anger that was directed at me in a very public manner. It crushed me, because I have given in excess and would do it again and I get hurt and games played with me. I try to not care but the last month or so my depression has come back full fledged and I've struggled with so many things. I finally sat down and just opened up about my hurt, then Sunday morning he preached Simplify!!!! So I told my parents this weekend, it's time to get real. Do not expect me to tip toe around you and your ideas, I can't do it anymore, it's killing me. Literally. I have friends that because of churches I attend or things I do, they come and go in my life. Our friendship is literally contingent on if I life just like them, standard wise and otherwise. I worry and fret over what they hear or what I say and pictures I send. Why? To maintain a relationship that is one sided, I am bowing to them and the stress and worry is too much.

I deal with depression, anxiety, etc over my Mom and Dad's health. I don't have time for finicky relationships. You can ask my bestest friend in the WHOLE world, Ruby, nad she will tell you, I accept you just like you are. Your weird ideas and differing degrees of beliefs and standards. Lord, does Ruby ever know, I have been tested and tried. ROFLOL. But other than Ruby, I've never received that kind of acceptance. If I admit to watching the wrong type of show, phone calls and emails quit. If you don't agree with my attire or hair dos I don't get invited anymore. I told my Mom this morning, I have fought this stupid depression for over a month at this severe of a degree and the last 2 or 3 days I have had chest pains and anxiety attacks and it's not worth it. Nothing is worth this pain. I have got to learn to live for myself and God and let the others go. If they stay, great!!! If not, I'll learn to get over the pain. Someday...

So for now, I am living life for ME!!!

Simplify Life

So I'm learning lessons in life, don't love too deeply or you set yourself for hurt. Believe me!!! There are not many people I love deeply and would do or give anything too. I'm learning that isn't healthy because your well intentioned plans and ideas might backfire and leave laying awake at night, tears streaming down your face wondering why you love so deeply and it's never reciprocated??

So I know you don't give to receive and you should give expecting nothing in return and I was taught this my whole life, you hear it preached from time to time. I agree wholeheartedly with this idea and I love the Christmas Season because I love planning and shopping and looking for the perfect gifts. Everyone isn't that way though.

Jason Crabb - Sometimes I Cry.flv

OK, this song just became my favorite!!! So true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Been Awhile

OMG!! It's been almost a month since I wrote last. It's the holiday time of year and it's getting busy. People come and gone and that chapter is OVER!!!

I was so excited about the holidays and a email full of funnies that got a little sharp and a weird moment with my Social Anxiety where I sat in front of my gym and bawled my eyes out because I could not for the life of me force myself to go inside because of the amount of people inside sent me spirling into a really bad depression. I fell into a mode of eating and sleeping, couldn't get enough sleep and food. It's been awhile since my world has been that dark. The last week or so my brother kept me busy hanging out, went to their house and had a "party" LOL. Then shopped til I dropped and church was good yesterday and I feel better today. First time in a couple weeks but I'm thankfull!!!

Tonight since I'm feeling better I have lots to do!!! Need to get the Christmas village set up and the front door wreath done. Sooo, hopefully Stephanie will be bored and want to come hang out and help. LOL.

I'll write again soon.