My Homeschooling Experience (for those that are asking)

So I guess people have this weird misconception that my family was the "perfect" homeschooling family and went totally by the book. I crack up when I'm alone at how hilarious people are. They obsess about doing everything correct to the point that they probably defeat the purpose. Everyone has a reason why they do things the way they do and it must be this way for the world to remain an interesting place to be. LOL. If you and I weren't weirdos, who would be??? Oh, I'm sorry you didn't realize you were? Well, Ummm Don't worry about it, just act like that never happened. LOL.

So I was in a private school for 1 1/2 years, kindergarten and half of first grade. My Mom was so concerned about my schooling and raising her kids she would drop me off at school and take my baby brother to the church and pray for me until school was out then she would come pick me up and we would go home. In first grade she approached my principal about teaching me at home. He was very supportive and though it was illegal to homeschool, Mom began to teach me at home. The school gave me my tests and I'll tell you right now, Mom was MEAN, the stress was overwhelming sometimes worrying that someone would fine out and turn us in. Back then homeschool support lawyers would tell you to always have a bag packed and gas in your car in case you had to flee. Sounds crazy and dramatic but that was life for a couple years. I don't remember the rally's very well, but protesting on the steps of the capitol building and speaking out about homeschooling finally brought around a victory and homeschooling became legal. My Mom became very active in politics and was very actively working as a fill-in.

Life became much easier school wise after that. We begin using curriculem that we chose and Mom begin to work alot more hands on. Somedays, Science was so cool that is all we did, the next day would be catch up for everything else. And for you that think I was at my desk at 8am. LOL. Oh, boy do you have a lot to learn. Sometimes I got up early, other days we got up late. There were days that things just weren't happening and we did school when Dad got home. LOL. Oh the days that Algebra was done at midnight with Dad. hehe.

There was no DVD programs to entertain and give Mom a break while we did our school. Nope, Mom had to do it on her own. I look at homeschoolers today and it gives me an appreciation for my Mom and the hard work she had to endure. There was a time she homeschooled other kids also. I don't remember school ever being very boring or wanting to drop out. She did her best to give us books that would help us and tried to make it fun. She gave alot to give us the best education for us.

I will NEVER forget the Friday classes. No school on Fridays. That was our Support Groups day to get together every week. We rotated house to house and it was a blast. That was the days the Moms took turns to teach us what they were good at. My Mom did history and we would take countrys or states, depending on what we were doing, and did our research adn lunch was foods we cooked from the country we were doing reports on. These classes were where I learned to decorate cakes and cook. We learned to sew and write creatively and once a month was park day and we all went to a park. I remember for awhile alot of families didn't have extra cars so people carpooled to our house and we would walk to a park. We thought it was great fun. LOL.

Then graduation day rolled around. I was a little concerned about how that would work out. Then I heard about HOPE, they hosted a graduation ceremony each year for homeschool graduates. I went to meetings, joined the decorating commitee and began to plan for the big day. I planned my table with precision and it was perfect. We walked down the aisle and sat on a platform, there was 20 other students graduating that night and I met them at our first meeting. At these graduations you had better remember your tissue because you were going to need it. WOW, our parents got up and stood with us and spoke about our homeschool journeys and each one was different but so many had made life changing sacrifices in order to make it happen. We had pledges, songs and prayers, We had chosen a student to speak on behalf of our graduating class and a speaker to charge and challenge us. Then they had us go to the main floor and our family and all our friends gathered around each of us and prayed for us. It was so touching and I am soooooo very glad I did it. It is that moment in my life that made a lasting impression. People that didn't know us cared about us.

I miss that part of my life, I am excited that my nephew and cousins are all starting school and part of them are homeschooling. It's a journey my family began and struggled to continue so that others behind us would have freedom to follow.

Life is Like Questions with No Answers.

It's like being caught in a tornado with no shelter
Like your past, present and future are twisted together and don't mesh.
You are supposed to believe your past was, I guess, a mistake
Life gets complicated and no one has a clue least of all you.

It's being Ok with what your life has become,
Yet aching for what it was
Enjoying getting lost in a crowd
But crying for "that" moment

Happy to go forward but missing what you have to leave behind
Enjoying the change and hating the life.

Life is just a moment, and sometimes it just doesn't count.

Just Being Held

OK, Cindy brought it to my attention that I answered a survey question that I do not like to cuddle, I think that was the question. She thought it funny that my theme song on my profile right now is Held by Natalie Grant. LOL. It is kind of funny!!!

But, I love that song. If you have ever gone through a seemingly life threatening moment when it seems that you have failed in life in general but God was faithful in the end, then you can relate to the song.

The words are...
Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling Who told us wed be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
Were asking why this happens
To us who have died to live? It's unfair
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it, let the hatred NUMB our sorrow
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held

I have watched people lose babies when they were just a few months old. We all cried and asked why and it seemed there wasn't an answer but we did feel God's arms around us.

Or, losing a grandmother to cancer when she was only in her early 50's. A woman who was a prayer warrior and in just months watch her suffer and fade away. I asked God why and he didn't answer. In the last few years I have made my way to the cemetery or looked at her picture and as I cried I silently wondered how she made it. When my world was falling apart and it seemed that all my dreams had died and I was hurt by the people I trusted the most and it felt like I was dying inside. I know what all my grandmother went through and I wonder how she made it? How did she cope when her husband was suddenly killed in a trucking accident in California and left her with 3 little kids/babies in Texas. Or when her only son died in a alcohol related death. How do you cope knowing they left him in a car in our driveway to die, how do you cope losing a 19 year old?

I know what her secret was. Prayer!!! That and the fact she was "Held". She knew what it felt like in the darkest hours to fall to her knees and let God hold her. In that legacy I find strength to make it, I just have to remember to let God hold me in those hours when I can't go on. To give up and let God take over, those moments are the most precious.

I think back to days when I lost everything, friends, family, home, so many material things. I remember thinking I was going to lose it and I was going crazy. I remember the darkness of depression and suicide that was over me. I didn't know where to turn. Finally one night I gave up. I gave God my car, my home, my "stuff", my friendships, my family. I told him to take it all I didn't care he could kill me it wouldn't make it any worse, I would be better off. At that moment of sheer desperation when I let go of it all the depression lifted. Why? Because...

This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell wed be held

I know when the most sacred things in life are ripped away from you and you survive, even when you don't want to survive, you are still loved. God makes us a promise that when it all falls down, He will hold us tight!!!

Talk About Being Behind

So, the last post I had on here was in 2005. LOL, those are GONE and I'm starting over. I usually blog elsewhere but came here to set up my blog for Chelsea's website. I was so surprised at how long it had been since I posted. Oh well, life is busy and I feel busier than that. LOL.

So I'm loving my farm!!! My goats are too precious and I've about gotten them all tame, Hill Billy is taking some work but the girls are good. I've got three girls, Oreo (which may be expecting), Molly B and her 6 month old baby girl Sarah Jayne. I love just going out and playing with them, they are so fun and sweet. I wonder around the yard feeding the birds and such and the goats are right on my heels like little puppy dogs. Molly would love to live IN the house. LOL.

The big girls are my hens, I have 4 of them right now and then I have a baby and we think 2 rooster which are still pretty small, I call them teenagers, they are fighting already so one is going to have to find a new home. Sad but necessary!!!!

Then we have the Silkies, which are chickens that look like they are furry and they are beautiful. I have bearded white, buff, black, blue and grey. they are very pretty birds and they are laying to beat the band!!! We are hoping this time around our momma's will know how to raise the babies, the first time around we lost babies.

Then I have 4 beautiful (NOT) guineas. They have got to be one of the UGLIEST birds ever. But protective they have down to a fine art and they protect all my babies in the yard. One of Stephanies little bitty dogs got after Lucy and the guineas went crazy, I mean the whole city of Venus knew Knothead and her crew were MAD about something and sure enough we got out there just in time to save Lucy. So guineas are truly natures watchdog and they are scared of nothing. At first they didn't like me either. LOL. I'd head in the cages and pens and knothead would go CRAZY. Now she tolerates me, and I have no idea if she is really a boy or a girl.

Pride Shows Through

So, I've been disturbed by a conversation I had in which people voiced their opinions of whether someone was called into ministry or not. I didn't have much to say because 1) Who am I to judge, 2) I've heard many positive things about him and his ministry, 3) I understood his response because I grew up under the same leadership and know we don't make ways for ourselves.

I was raised in a church where I was very involved, no, make that EXTREMELY involved. Yet I NEVER ASKED if I could be involved in any ministry. I was always taught that if you wanted to be used in an area of interest to you, you needed to pray and talk to God about it and if it was His will, HE would make a way. If you showed an interest you would never have gotten to that point. We were always reminded that God is the one in control and we are nothing. We have no talent, no expertise unless God gives it to us. I enjoyed singing and was blessed to get to use my talent alot, but I always remembered it wasn't MY talent, it was God's.

I have discussed this in great length with my brother who believes like I do. This past weekend we were able to be able to get together with our friend and my brother was very impressed when they got into a discussion about grace, I believe it was. My brother was amazed that our friend had the same view as we do and our church. My brother commented to me after the fact that he had NO doubt his friend has a call on his life, but he is very humble and modest about it. Is that bad? NO, I should think not.

So, I've thought about my 2 lives, because that is what they are in every aspect. I was raised to not make a name for myself and to never question authority. I was so very proud of our holiness standards. We lived our lives for our standards. The tougher the standards the prouder we became. Our attitudes stunk because we thought ourselves so much higher or above other churches. Matter of fact if a church had a lesser standard than us we didn't associate with them and looked down our noses at them. After I left that church I was embarrased and disgusted with the way we were. By our actions we were probably worse than those we looked down on. I was glad looking back that I was far removed from that. Now, I think about my life today and I wonder are we any better? Our pride is still there it's just moved around. I receive comments about my friends that are trying to hold on to their heritage, find a good Pastor and build something back that Satan tore down. What is wrong with that? Only the fact we are becoming what we were before and it disgusts me that we are lowering ourselves to that point. To become judges of peoples calls to ministry or walk with God because we think our knowledge is key to Heaven? Who are we to think we are something? Without God we can't be anything.

I think about it all and there are days I wish I could go back and rebuild it. Make it something I'm not embarrased to talk about. There were so many memories and good times and for what? Life is so different and confusing now.

It's these conversations that remind me that I'm nothing and I know that. I'm so happy and excited that I can now go back and sit in a building I sacrificed for and remember the good parts and I can let the bad parts go.

So next time I think everyone needs to come to OUR church, I hope I can remember that I'm not the only one on the highway to Heaven. I hope things turn out and perhaps life will move on again.

Does The Pain End???

So my heart is broken right now. I'm so confused and want all of this to just go away. Guilt is a funny thing and while it's easy to forgive others, usually, it's so hard to forgive ourselves. This conversation wasn't so hard to have, but the memories are overwhelming and then the guilt comes, but it's no ones fault but mine, I didn't have to let my emotions believe something they would never be able to have. But how do you stop something you don't even realize is happening? There were things but were they really so wrong? If I participated or remained silent and allowed it how do I go back and say it's wrong now? It's all so confusing and the pain doesn't go away maybe it will soon, maybe it will really be over and I can go on with life. Or maybe life will always be this way. Always having guilt, did I make the right decisions? Should I have stayed? What would have happened if I had stayed? I don't think the pain will end, thankfully most days it stays tucked away but it's phone calls like this, when you are interrogated (haha), and people don't believe you are telling the truth and even though you answer questions you always know you are holding on to a part you will never let go, because you can't. Hopefully this was the last call, so I can go back to my normal life and not live in fear of the unknown anymore.

I'm Just Having a Moment

Life is so strange!! You never know what the future is and your scared to let go of the past. It's so hard to figure out life. One moment you want to grasp life and live to the fullest and the next moment you are trying to figure out what life even is.

I had a friend tell me recently that they liked the "pre age 30" Taniss better. This new more outgoing, funny and sarcastic humor Taniss wasn't their favorite. I laughed it off with a what Taniss did you like?

The last 8 or so years, I'm not sure who I am or was. Seems the quiet, shy, go with the flow was more the type. I have really thought this over alot. Why and when did I change so drastically. Some started when; I went through all the "extras" in my life, life and hardships and pain changes you. But I didn't fully understand until this weekend at Girls Night Out.

I went out with a bunch of my friends that are 30+ and single. Rather they are single never married, widowed or divorced. I sat at the end of the table across from the only other one there never married, no children. In our conversation this hilarious, fun, outgoing lady shared with me that she is very shy and the funny person everyone knows her by is a cover. She said as a single in her 40's she deals with the pain of it by being hilarious, making people laugh. That way people think she's OK and will leave her alone.

So I thought about that and we talked alot that night. People say they understand but they can't really know what your going through unless they've been there. I told her my conversation about the changes in me and my attitude. She said could it be that in dealing with this new turn in your life, 30 is big, you do like me and become something your not rather than deal with it?

Hmmm, makes you think.... Oh, and she is probably correct!!!