Really been thinking on this recently. 2018 hasn't been a total wreck but boy oh boy has it taken me on a journey.
Several years ago God helped me overcome a life of anxiety & depression. It was a world I just thought I had to live in and there was no hope. My faith upbringing left no room for a failure like me, someone who suffered from depression and anxiety. I lived for others, rather than try to better or help myself I lived thinking I was no good so I would do things so that others could better themselves. It was a dreadful life, no joy, no happiness...
Then it turned around, I learned to put up boundaries and that I could trust God to not fail me. Man does that, not God. Funny part is I never doubted God was there, that someday... However I was hanging on by such a thin thread of hope and it was fraying. An amazing woman of God begin to help me find myself and begin to believe there was beauty in my ashes. I don't have a past or testimony of sin and regrets. My past is full of church attendance and making sure I followed all the rules. It was a life full of control and emotional and mental pain that most didn't even know existed for me within the walls of church and religion. A world of not measuring up, never doing the right things, life repenting for sins I was afraid I committed and didn't know or remember, guilt that wasn't mine to even carry. Then that life fell apart, I was left floundering in a sea of confusion, pain, guilt, shame, fear, depression and anxiety. I lost everything so when God begin to fix my life and put together something beautiful I felt so blessed, everything was good and I was happy and knew that God had put Joy back in my soul.
Then the 2nd Sunday in February 2018 rolled around, I walked through doors and I was totally and completely thrown head first into a battle I never saw coming. I thought because all my personal life stuff had been gone through and healing had started I was good. So I was totally blindsided by the attack on my spiritual life. When I say the present collided with the past, I'm not joking. A situation, which was not anything crazy or weird, triggered old memories, feelings and anxiety, fear and depression immediately engulfed me. I begin to deal with nightmares and anxiety like I had never faced in my life. I was so overwhelmed and angry because God had healed me, I knew without a doubt He has so why were all these feelings back? I tried pushing through but I realized I had no one that cared, yeah my family did, where were the friends and acquaintances? I found myself all alone, isolated and numb. Why? It made no sense, I took a trip with friends, came home worse than before. I was so confused and alone, I couldn't understand why no one cared. I went to the next church service and after just a few minutes I was so overwhelmed with anxiety that as soon at the oppurtunity arose I was gone, in truck headed to my somewhat safe place, a place no one questioned my faith in God or my walk with God, a place where I could huddle in a ball in my room and let the tears flow from all the pain I couldn't understand, I hadn't done anything wrong or bad, why was I fighting all of this? I was the "goodie 2 shoes" I tried to go above and beyond in obedience to church rules. I begin to question the choice where I worshipped. I remember the 3rd or 4th Sunday I went home early and I sat and watched POA and for the first time in weeks felt touched, I felt God, tears pouring I begin to follow link after link of sermons that sorta spoke to me but it was so temporary. It just didn't make sense I wanted a place to find peace, give me a little hope and encouragement. There was no where, nothing. God isn't the author of confusion, right? Ministry Fair rolled around and I wasn't going to go and then agreed for a few minutes and it sounds crazy but I walked into that very overly crowded room and panic and anxiety hit me with such force I can't even remember most of what went on, I signed up for things and no one ever called and I have no idea what I signed up for, other things I was already in so I didn't sign up and they never called either. Talk about forgotten and alone? The devil went to town with that one and the attitude that those I spoke with had towards me in the days after. I just have this to say, don't question my salvation, I've fought hard to survive and stay on my feet. In the "old days" when everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE turned their back on me because I made the decision to stay with my family. The only thing I had was God, He was there but no one else was. Everywhere I went I was shunned by those I knew, I got phone calls from "friends" to let me know how disappointed they were in my decisions and how shameful it was that I couldn't stay loyal. Friends who dropped possessions off at my house but was scared to actually come to the door, I guess afraid my terrible spirit of walking away from a church would jump off on them. It would have been so easy to blame God and throw in the towel. Instead, I would find myself in a fetal position each night in tears begging God to make it all right so life could just be normal again, so I would have a friend again. I became a survivor, a broken, wounded survivor.
I believe that life is a journey! We each have our own journey and no one journey is the same. My journey wasn't so bad, so I thought, until I was 23 1/2 then I really began a journey that ultimately led me home, I hope. A journey that isn't like anyone elses perhaps, a journey that is all my own, a journey of searching for home, a place to call mine, a place to call home where I'm loved and a place to be safe!
In March I attended a Ladies Retreat out of town, more out of obligation than desire. It was a nice little conference but a lady from that church spoke on Saturday morning and I realized why I was there. Her session was supposed to be on the relationship between a pastors wife and her ladies (saints of the church). I was unimpressed because attending a fairly large church I have very little interaction with my pastors wife so I had already decided it didn't apply to me but oh well, here I sit. She spoke about Mary & Martha and how Martha is a worker and we all need to be the Martha's but sometimes we have to stop and go to the feet of Jesus and be Mary. That was good, true! Then she talked about Naomi and Ruth and how Ruth followed Naomi and met Boaz and that was good, she was right and a very good speaker, I was surprised. The comparison that got me? Sarah and Hagar.
Sarah and Hagar! I had heard it and I immediately thought, well Sarah laughed, Hagar had a son with Sarah's husband and she was bad, etc. Then she begin to read where Sarah Ok'd the relationship between her husband and her maidservant and then we read Hagar was expecting. I don't know if Hagar really felt better than Sarah due to her pregnancy or if it was just a perceived feeling but regardless she deals harshly with Hagar and Hagar flees and we find her weeping in the desert. God comes to her and tells her he saw her tears and heard her cries and now it was time to get up and go back and submit to Sarah. That hit me like a pound of bricks! I knew instantly that God spoke to me in my heart and said... "It's time to go back and submit". I literally felt tears well up in my eyes. Submit? I knew I was experiencing so much pain, and loneliness (which I had never dealt with before) and anxiety and depression and I had gone through it 18 years before and I'm back and it's no fault of my own and God wants me to submit? I'm being hurt, I'm feeling pain, no one cares, no one even noticed for that matter that I had somehow become totally disconnected, forgotten, overlooked, overwhelmed with a pain I didn't understand. God wanted me to submit? I knew what that was about because in over 18 years distrust in ministry had kept me from truly submitting to a pastor in my life. Why submit when I had sat under so many and watched it fall apart? Hagar went back, submitted to Sarah and when Ishmael was born Abraham loved him. Best I could find he was obviously 12-13ish, I think, when Isaac was born? Suddenly Sarah was done, she wanted them gone!!! So she told Abraham to send them away. Can you imagine the pain, the confusion and the hurt? Hagar watching her son suffer physically sick but also, I'm sure, with the confusion of receiving so much love and suddenly you aren't good enough? I could relate to Hagar and Ishmael and I had no idea. It led me into studying the Bible with a new interest.
Then in April or May I went to a Ladies conference close to home and I won't go into details but I felt so out of place and disconnected from my group. I was hurting so bad inside and everyone around me was oblivious, I went hoping that the worship or the message would speak to me, nothing! Then toward the end of the altar call I was just sitting praying quietly and enjoying the singing when a lady I had previously gone to church with years before walked up and asked if she could pray for me, I said sure and pray she did, I was so touched because God had laid it on her heart to seek me out. The service was nearing close when a ministers wife from another church hugged me and commented she was glad she got to sit by me, we laughed and I repeated it back and we hugged again. That was that until a few minutes later very seriously she once again turned to me and asked if she could pray for me, she said "I don't know you but when I hugged you God spoke to me and told me to pray for you". I cried, because suddenly 2 people not close to me, not knowing the chaos of change shaking every part of my world was impressed by God to reach out to me. She prayed for a long time and I just sobbed, I had no words, I had nothing but tears and hurt and pain. In the middle of praying she told me God wanted me to know that He knows where I am, He knows the hurt, pain, he knows I feel so inadequate and unworthy and less than but He sees me as beautiful, He sees me as a precious gem, but not just a precious gem but a rare precious gem. One that you can't find another like it. That's how he sees me. She went on to say God doesn't see everyone as a rare precious gem but I'm that special to Him and He's not done with me. Oh the love I could feel in that moment.
I thought, well, that is a word from God and I'll go to church and find peace and victory over all this chaos. Instead I found even worse anxiety and frustration and loneliness. I was so confused, I even ranted on FB one night and that led to a deleted post and a text conversation with a lady I very much respect. She said sometimes the pain is compartmentalized and as we work through the layers we will find more pain and hurt covered up. She encouraged me to reach out to our pastor but how? I have such little trust and what if I went and he criticized my pain? What if he lashed out against it and I was hurt worse? I knew I couldn't deal with anymore. She had stressed how we need spiritual leadership and authority over us and once we submit to that than the devil can't fight us the same way. Because we have spiritual authority over us and she explained how much it had helped her to do that. She said revival is coming and you are a part of that revival don't give up now. I just never found the right time to set that up.
The battle kept getting worse, I was fine at home, God blessed me along the way and I felt like it was His way of saying hold on, the battles rough but I'm here and this is just a reminder someday it's going to be OK.
Then I decided to go to a revival service with my aunt at the church she attends. I went curious if I would find the same anxiety and fear, etc I experienced every time I went to my church. I'm talking literal dread!!! I didn't but yet there still was no freedom but I did find a level of peace. Then a lady in their church walked up to me and asked if she could pray for me (you seeing a trend here? I don't know these people so I know it's God) when I said yes she wrapped her arms around me and begin to travail in the spirit, a soul stopping prayer that obviously reached heaven. After a long time of prayer she said God wanted me to know that he knows right where I am and it's not over for me that He has a mighty work for me to do and that I'm precious to Him. I can't say that all the pain, anxiety and frustration, the hurt, chaos, fear, depression, etc lifted because it didn't all go away, but maybe it became a bit less overwhelming, I had hope again, I'm obviously doing something right for God to keep sending basically strangers to me to reiterate what others have said. Those past prophetic words I've received the prayers prayed over me by ministers I didn't know and didn't know me, they were not in vain, God hasn't forgotten those past moments. I may not understand yet, I may not understand tomorrow but all I can do is hold on and wait!!! God is in the waiting I've had proof of that these last few months.
I don't understand but maybe I will soon, if not I'll keep hanging on the best I know how. I can't let others opinions or judgments weigh me down because this isn't their life or their journey, it's mine! I know where I've been, where I am and only God really knows where I am going. I just want to be in the will of God and that is all that matters.
I am good enough, and strong enough. I will rise up, pride and arrogance and talent and performance is not what it's about. It's about a real true relationship with God where I'm overwhelmed with His power and anointing! No one can stop that!!!
UPDATE: All of that was written August 8th, 2018. Today is December 30th, 2018. Tomorrow is the last day of this year that has taken me through so much pain and turmoil! However, I did make changes, after weeks and months of prayer and soul-searching I did make a change. Since Dec 2000, I've wanted to go "home", I've gone through several churches who friended me, loved me, helped me. I believe in every one of them there was a purpose, a reason I was there. I found different levels of healing yet never ever totally felt like I belonged. I moved on a few times and would hope that this was it! This would be the place I would belong forever, that place to call home.
A couple months ago I visited a church and really enjoyed it, no one knew me and I stood with tears pouring as I felt the peace of God flow over me, the next weekend I couldn't go back to visit due to other obligations but I felt so sad. The following Sunday found me back and once again I felt like God met me there. The 2nd or 3rd Sunday I was invited to the front by a sweet friend that I trust deeply and as I stood there letting the pain flow and filling the peace and love surround me it struck me that maybe I'm home. Finally home, a place I belong. Nothing against anyone I know and any church I've attended but sometimes God's gotta get us to places where we can grow, where we understand how it all works and it gives you that warm coziness of home.
