2016... Thoughts and Musings

So... I can not believe I haven't written since August. Bad me!!! LOL. I am going to TRY to get better, sometimes I've learned that writing is a way I can debrief in life and who cares, right? So here I sit thinking and pondering this new year and this new me! I remember the year my Dad burned is foot so bad, was it really over 2 years ago now? That seems so crazy yet it doesn't. That first year I didn't work much and I learned to live on much less that I had before. It was a year of hurt, fear and yet a year of hope. Then last year was a year of learning and finding my wings and living, like really and truly learning to live life to the fullest. In 2001 I quit really living, I gave up on all my goals and dreams. I packed away everything I thought I wanted in life and locked it up, it's like there was a little box inside of me and every hope and dream went in there and I locked it and threw away the key. Now 15 years later, I didn't know how to open it back up. I couldn't find the "key" and if I'd had it I was scared to face all that hurt and pain again. I mean, what if I got in there and it was worse than I remembered, what if the little good I could recall wasn't good at all. So last year I began counseling and Sis Vani has helped me tremendously!!! She is a God send to me. She can sit there while I pour out my hurt and all the bad things I feel about myself and she still loves me, she still tells me I'm important to God and I can be something in life, life isn't over yet.

So I began writing a new chapter in my book of life. I went back to school last September and I took the TSI test and breezed through reading and writing and fell a couple points too low in math. So I pulled up my big girl pants and walked into that big building (actually in the country community college is very small but it felt big, LOL) and signed up and started taking a half load. First semester I took intermediate algebra (for failing that section of the TSI) and a psychology class. I listed my major as Behavioral Science because I wanted to learn to fix people. We want to do Tammy's House and that means helping people. I learned in the last 6 months that fixing people isn't my strong suit and I was doing things and trying to talk myself into being something I wasn't, it's a miserable way to live. After a couple of session with my counselor I realized I was trying to be what I perceived my Mom wanted me to be so she would be proud of me and I would then find happiness. I realized that isn't true, happiness can't be found by finding validation in people or my Mom or family. I had to be Taniss, that's when I'm happy, when I'm just being ME!!! I have learned I'm a pretty awesome person that doesn't like hands on helping people, regardless how much I try it, I'm not good at it. However, I can run circles around those kinds of hands on helping people sorts when I'm in a office. Give me a computer, reports, paperwork, etc and I'm happy!!! I love it and in a ministry of helping people there is alot of paperwork too. I've had to learn to be happy with me and not try to expect more out of myself than I am capable of giving.

This year I decided to live, really live the life I want to live and make decisions for me not based on other opinions. I'm tired of living worrying about if I'm doing the right or wrong thing. So I traveled with a couple of girls to a singles conference in californina, LA to be exact. It was fun so I then went to a few concerts, then took a cruise with Crystal & Terrell and it was so much fun. This year is full of travel fun. Next is singles conference for a night or 2 and then New York twice, once with my Mom, friend and sister in law and then a month later with a couple of friends. Then ladies conference, prison conference and I want to find a quick cruise this summer to take Katy and Gavin on for Katy's birthday. I plan on going to Maine, I have never been there and I have always wanted to go, so... LOL.

This week started semester 2 with more Algebra and this time my 2nd class is principles of marketing. I feel like a fish out of water still but I'm a bit more confident this round. I changed my major to business management and when the adviser showed me the class list I sighed a big sigh of relief!!! More my style and line of classes, I was so happy!!!

So we were put in contact with a new contact for Tammy's House and I really feel like we passed a test and now God is allowing us to move a step forward in starting up. I'll write more about that when we know more.

Now I'm going to sign off, along with picking up a half class load of college classes to go along with my part time (25-30 hour) job I've also picked up a 2nd job to help make ends meet. It's not easy, it's actually very tiring and stressful some days I just hope I can keep it all on track this semester.

Ugh!!! Somedays...

There are somedays that life just seems to much to take anymore. You get tired of everyone else feeling free to laze around, be "sick", etc. Then you are expected to pick up the extra load no one else wants to deal with. You just wanna say, I'm through. I get so frustrated and so angry, it hurts when no one thinks of others, you just wanna pack their stuff up and move them onto the curb. Do it on your own like you are now and see where it gets you? I'm tired of it all.

So I close my eyes tight and I wish a wish that my prince charming will come riding up on his big white horse and whisk me away to a land far away where the chaos in my life now will be but a memory.

Seriously, sometimes you have to wonder why God puts you through stuff when it "looks" like others lives are so much more care-free. If I was skinny I would have been married with a bus full of children according to others, instead I suffer with PCOS which makes sure I struggle to stay where I'm at much less lose weight. How do you compare to the beautiful Barbies of the world? I get tired of them being paraded in front of me as what is so desirable by men? I can't help that my body isn't made like theirs!!!

I finally found a diet plan people are using and I'm all alone doing it. I have to work in the kitchen around all the stuff I can't eat to fix stuff that about half the time isn't fit to eat. I want to eat what you eat, I want to drink what you drink, it's good, taste wise but it's no good for my body. Even a little bit makes a difference in my body, I have found. I struggle with so many insecurities wondering how I'll ever be good enough, look good enough, eat good enough, live in a good enough house when it feels like I'm the only one who cares.

That's all!

Twist and Turns of Life

So much going on... Get this, I'm seeing a counselor!!! Best decision I've ever made. She's amazing and as scared as I was going in the first session I came out ready for the next one. LOL

Lots going on!!!

We have officially began working on becoming Tammy's House Inc. We are now a corporation and are working on getting our approval for our 501c3. It's exciting and alot of work. So much we want to accomplish!!!

I've gotten back to working on my Life Coaching degree which I think will help with Tammy's House. Then hopefully I'll have everything I need to start college in the Fall.

That's all for tonight. I'm tired

Pain... Some Wounds Don't Heal

So last night I experienced a moment or moments of the most intense, excruciating pain I have ever experienced in years. Literally took my breath away, kept me awake all night and had me in tears most of today. What hurt so bad? That's the worst part, it wasn't physical, I can't take a Tylenol or Aleve and take the pain away or even diminish it. Unless God heals I guess it's a wound that will never heal. Funny thing is I thought I was handling it all really well, coping I guess. Yet in a split second memories and feelings not only began to march through my mind but I could feel the loss, a great loss, a loss I've regretted for over 20 years, a loss I can't regain. Now I have to learn to pick up the pieces yet again and figure out how to put all of this life that a moment of time was enough to overflow the box I have carefully kept all those hurts.

Then to learn that people were telling the truth, it wasn't the choice of the one I thought it was. That hurt just as much to know, what if it could have been different. All the years I've lost because I thought something was wrong with me, I wasn't enough. All the what if's and it's all begun again. To try to sort through all I lost that I didn't even understand why, I think it hurts worse knowing it could have been difference.

Now I have to look around and life through this moment in time without letting it comsume me. The pain is so intense. If only I had known...

Learning

So this week has been a really odd week.

Mom and I had a talk about me. Yeah, I know a very sensitive topic. LOL. However, we were going through old pictures and discovered I was very sad for a large part of my life and in talking about it Mom discovered the beginning of the sad part of me. A vacation we took when my Dad had recently lost his job due to the company closing & he had begun the journey of Myasthenia Gravis but we didn't know what was wrong yet. I was probably 12-13 and from that year and years on my pictures were of me sad, pain in my eyes, frumpy, and every gaining weight. Weird how things can have such a lasting impact on your life and you don't even realize it.

I'm 37 years old and this year is the first time I've really taken control of my life, stood up for myself and I've began to learn how to love me and find a place where I'm happy. You would have just had to have been there. LOL.

Do You Know What Happy Feels Like?

Last night I went out with friends and for the first time in years, I had energy, I had fun, I laughed, acted crazy & stupid, took pictures and didn't think ugh!

Happy is an amazing feeling!!!

I saw this on a post by Proverbs 31 Ministries and saved it as the screensaver on my phone!!! Just to remind me of all of God's promises and the recent prophetic words I've received in my life by men & women that do not know me or my past, present or future!!! God has a work for me and I have the answers I've just got to move forward, take the first step. Then this word came on FB from P31 that even though I still feel confused about the way or what doors to take, God is giving me light for this step. If I will just TRUST God & take a step, He will light the way.

He has taken us down a path the last 4-6 weeks financially that I wasn't sure we would survive. Yet He has proven to me each time that He has a plan and when I've exhausted all of my means, HE will make a way but it's always in a way that we think it's impossible and then there it is... unexpectedly. Sometimes, I am so stressed, scared and worried that I forget to even reach out to God in a verbal prayer, yet He knows my hearts cry and He understands.

Other times, like Sunday night, I just prayed a simple prayer. There was no mighty move of God with thunder & lightening, I didn't get up and run around or shout a jig. I just prayed a prayer! Simple as that! I thanked Him for what He has done for us in the last few weeks of holding us when we were falling apart, catching us as we fell, loving me when I felt all alone and unloveable. Then I reminded Him of the ways my family members are working for Him, we volunteer & minister in different way. We are living life in the best way we know how, learning our lessons, passing our tests and learning to lean on Him & TRUST!!! In like 5 minutes that prayer was answered. I had tears in my eyes as I realized one more time God had reached down and proved His love & showed me I can rest in Him & trust. I'm on a journey, I don't know what all He has for me, but I do know that the way is a little clearer than it was a few weeks ago, He feels a little closer than He was yesterday. I'm still learning, learning to take care of my "temple", learning to love myself, learning to not lean to others opinions of me for affirmation or my self esteem. Just to be me, to be the best me I can with God's help.