I Need a Dentist. LOL

As much as I hate doctors. I have GOT to get back to the dentist. My tooth is killing me. It's got to come out. I hate losing teeth, you know they have a very important job. I have nightmares about my teeth falling out. LOL.

Well, I'm getting my vacation. I'm going to Granby Colorado for a whole week, the week after the 4th of July. Do you know I can not wait. I'm sure we'll go see Rocky Moutain National Park, but for the most part we have NO plans. It is going to be soooooooooo great.

Well, I thought our company was leaving next Friday. Please pray, they have problems that only God can fix for them. As of yesterday those plans were falling through. I am just praying that God will work it out.

I got a new phone. I went to buy an iphone and came home with a Samsung Eternity. I love it. I can't get as many apps but I don't use that many of them anyways. I'm not sure how the MP3 player is but I'll find out this week. If it's not good I have to decide if I want to return the phone (per my salespersons advice if I don't like it) or just buy a ipod. We'll see.

Well, I'm taking some pain pills and headed to bed my head is killing me. We had church this morning. To lunch and then to Rowlett for my cousin, Kaleigh's graduation party. Then to Forney to see my cousin Alaina's new house which is gorgeous. I learned the Balch Springs/Mesquite area is too crowded and caotic for me now. My head hurts.

I LOVE good Pentecostal choirs!!

Thinking 'bout Things

OK, so my thoughts.

I'm still not happy with people being here but I'm better right now in handling it. I have been assured this is temporary. Supposedly until June?? We'll see, I hope so.

I just let things build inside of me until I can't handle more. Am I wrong in my feelings? I really want answers. Like I told me Mom yesterday I want life to be peaceful and happy. Her opinion is you have to make your own happiness, it's a decision. Peace follows. Thoughts?

Do I really turn everyone against her? Is it only me?? Maybe so, I don't know. Mom feels like we are what she fights to do what God has called her to do.

Sunday night's sermon was awesome. I think I'm in one of those rounds and I try to keep going but I don't know... How do you know for sure??

Mom says I make it all about me. Maybe I do.

I just am not comfortable with people living with me like this. I can't help it. I guess some people can do it and some can't.

Maybe it's the struggle I have to deal with. I go through life so confused feeling. I'm just don't know. Where is the balance?

It's like I told my Mom yesterday, I don't trust anyone. I am very aware of what happens when you allow yourself to trust people, they will almost always fail you.

Mom feels like she failed us because we don't share her burden. Are we supposed to always just do what everyone tells us to do?

Argh, guilt. I hate guilt trips.

Lazy Day

Sooo, it's a lazy holiday. I'm getting ready to head out and swim. All these windy cooler days and this one is still and very hot. LOL. The pool still has some issues and it's a bit cloudy but it's fine for swimming, though a little cold. LOL.

So my Mom and I had a very long talk today sitting in my car in a parking lot with ice cream melting in the back seat. Communication is a good thing, not that it resolves much other than to verify I'm a very unhappy person. But hey, every little bit counts. So perhaps it's true and I'm a horrible person. I'm just not sure, I admit I have issues. LOL. So we'll see what happens in the future. I can't help it I'm just not a people person. I don't expect people to rave over me and and I don't rave over them.

My Mom made the comment that she just loves people so deeply. I don't know if I love at all. I am not one to show expression and, really, I don't know how too. I guess it takes all kinds.

Happy 2nd Birthday MoMo

Today was Morgans birthday. He is my cousins, Shawna & Cody Koob's little boy. So cute. We all had a great time. It was great seeing Amanda and Craig and their 2 girls. We all went to church together way back in the day. I'll put up pics later if they turned out. My batteries were dying, so not sure what pics took and what ones really didn't. A good time was had by all. The kids loved the water!!!

Pray For My Hair

So, I have been going to great lengths and major expenses to get my hair into a healthier state. It is so much healthier and growing and prettier (thanks John Freida products).

So my hair is naturally wavy/frizzy about halfway curly if I just air-dried it and didn't comb it out and blow-dry it. I am really enjoying wearing my hair down but I hate the wavy-ness and frizzy's, so I bout a straightener. It's after midnight and I am waiting for Katie to wind down so we can go to sleep and I'm going into the bathroom to straighten my hair.

My bedroom is so peaceful, you will never know. It is totally clean, even all my drawers and shelves. EVERYTHING has it's place now and I feel so much better. Next week will be my bathroom and closet. Do you know I've thrown away 3 bags of junk. Just throw pillows that are worn out and clothes I always intended to patch up and repair, they are gone!!! Then our entertainment room got a face lift this morning and it's all squared off just like in my room, no uneven lines or weird angles. So I sat in there for awhile.

I'm sorry folks but I just can't handle circles or swirls or curvy lines. I like very straight, clean lines and squares. It's one of those weird odd things that you get to put in surveys. I have a weird square obsession. LOL. I'm fixing to paint my wall my bed is on in squares. A checkerboard design of sorts. I'm happy because it's going to be so awesome.

Gotta hurry and straighten my hair we're dicussing sleepy time and I'm sharing my bed. LOL.

Life Goes On

So Friday I tried washing Rowdy for the first time. Haha. Ok, so his back, sides and outside of his legs got washed, I got washed and he stepped on my toe. THEN he went out and ROLLED in the dirt, grrrr, all that washing and pain and he rolled in dirt and goat poo. Oh did I ever chew him out royally!!! So I pulled him back over to the faucet and we rinsed him off again just to show him we can. I haven't been spending enough time with him, life just gets so stupid busy so he is really acting out and trying to be boss again. Since he bit me a couple weeks ago for not bringing him carrots he has been a bit on the onry side. He needs to be washed really well but I'm going to have to wear my boots and get some muscle help.

I am cleaning my room beyond the normal "cleaning". I mean I'm discarding old stuff I've not worn in a million years. I threw away or gave away 3 bags of stuff so far. LOL, I'm a bit of a packrat, I guess. It's my OCPD and in order to get well you have to do things to overcome that area. Do you know my room is a disaster from cleaning everything out and things I've not decided what to do with are just laying about but the satisfaction in my heart and all the drawers being cleaned out was heavenly. I now have 2 crates of stuff stored for "someday" when I have my own place and room for it all. Someday!!

So Miss Daisy didn't get beans cooked for Ruby's party. She finally got the rice cooked like an hour late. LOL. Yeah, I was a little perturbed!!! Oh well, it went OK overall.

I had a really crazy dream yesterday morning. My Mom had really gone crazy with people living with us. I was flipping out in my dream. It was really crazy. So no more!!! No matter what, no more!!! Call me what you wish, but no more!!!

Ruby's Birthday Party

Here are pics of the weekend in Athens with my "sister" Ruby. This chica is my bestest!!! I do love my friend!!! She turned 30 last weekend so I was out there this weekend throwing her a birthday party and hanging out. It was a blast!!! I'll write more about the weekend tomorrow. Katie and I, Katie is my littlest cousin

Ruby opening her presents. Her youngest daughter Kaitlyn is helping. A sidenote, I helped name Kaitlyn. LOL. What can I say? Oh, if you need help I only charge a small thinking fee.
My Katie Kate Kate and Kaitlyn

The guests are arriving!!!!

It's been awhile since I was that tired. My poor gimpy ankle was HUGE.

Me and Ruby cheezin' for hte camera!! When you see us together you should be afraid, very afraid. LOL. We can cook up major trouble, just ask poor Chuck.

OK, I'm not mad I was really trying to figure out what to do with a huge platter with fat from the brisket. Ruby and I made our first ever brisket and I have to say it turned out well. Everyone raved about it!!! Yeah Us. LOL.

I was cooking the corn tortillas for our Chicken Enchilada's. Oh they were so good. We turned out to be very good cooks. LOL. Even had Guacamole from scratch. I made some Pico. Aren't you proud of me???

This is our brisket when it first began to cook. Do you know we were supposed to have a "teacher" the sweet Miss Daisy but she wasn't around so we had to fly by the seat of our pants and it turned out great. Chuck bragged and bragged about his Dad's great briskets. His Dad told us (without us asking for it, LOL) that we had cooked a great brisket. I was so proud. Ruby cracked up at the look on my face.

It's a Healing Process

Have you ever had things inside that you need to get out but you don't know how? Somethings are just so deeply ingrained I don't know how to get it out, I can talk about something all day but it's not until I can sit down and really connect with my thoughts and put them on paper where I can see them that I find I can work thourgh things. Sometimes there are things inside of us that hurt and are painful and you know you have to learn to work through them. Problem is you don't want to expose those deepest hurts to anyone. Especially when the hurts are brought about by the people you love the most. How do you learn to let go and not let them hurt you anymore? I don't think it's that they intentionally intend to hurt us but sometimes people have disorders and the things from their past that shaped them haunts them and they do things that they don't mean. You have to learn to help yourself and let them go, regardless of what they decide for their lives. I don't understand how to love someone that doesn't have the ability to really love back. Some people only have the ability to give love when you have something they need.

I'm 32 years old (almost) and I'm just now realizing how emotionally immature I am. I've been controlled in what to do, how to act, what to say and even what to think in certain situations. When I can't be what others expect of me then I find myself once again consumed with guilt and depression. I believed what I've been told regarding my "imperfections" and thought that was how life was supposed to be. Just in the last few weeks did I begin to find my way out of this controlled atmospere into a world that I am uncertain in. For years I have been given life on a silver platter, not because I demanded it or asked for it. Just because people wanted me to have it. But when others see my life they give me a hard time and the very people who gave it to me, "just because" make comments like "she's a "princess"" or "she is a spoiled brat". I try to laugh and ignore it knowing that I know the truth and that is what matters but the possibility that others might think I am such a horribly person hurts and adds my insecurities and confidence issues.

It hurts when people ask your opinion and then totally disregard what you say. When strangers come to visit and I'm supposed to just "give up" my bedroom for weeks at a time because someone else needs it and if I don't I'm a horrible selfish person that doesn't want to help anyone. I have struggled with, do I have a right to stand up for myself and say NO, to demand respect for my space and belongings. Do you know what it's like to have someone living in your home and ask another family member for something and rather than ask you if the visitor can use it, they just help themselves? For someone to have no respect towards you but DEMAND respect towards the very things they know you don't agree with? I have meltdown moments from time to time but a month or so ago, I had a moment of total shut down and I was so angry and hurt and a person I trust said "write it down Taniss", I worked for hours trying to put on paper what was going on inside of me and struggling with the fear that I was a brat and a horrible person and that I was totally disrespecting the very people that hurt me. I cried until I couldn't cry over my inability to not care. I hated myself because I do care, I was angry not only at this person but also at myself because I can't continue to pretend it doesn't bother me. I was angry that I have lived for years trying to gain the approval and true love of someone that isn't capable of returning my love and I will probably never gain approval from unless I live life under their direction which is so skewed.

The result of those hours of meltdown, I was horrified at the fact I had actually asked God WHY??? Why can't I be normal and happy like others, why does life have to be so stupid and why can't I let guard down in order to have friends? I live in fear of being hurt and fear of rejection and failure and since I know I'll never be the perfection that is expected how do you get out of that funk?

Slowly but surely I was able to begin to see that I have to take the first step. My letter in all it's chaos was sent to someone that would be able to pray for the situation. I immediately regreted my decision but prayer helps. Though the person hasn't changed, I have. Just this week there was a situation and I refused to buckle and when anger was directed at me I felt all my insecurities and hurts and failures caving in on me. I made a phone call and poured out all my feelings and why, the person on the other end of the line said "Taniss, don't feel bad and don't go back on your decision. You are doing the right thing, It's called finding healing and it's a process". Did I just get off the phone and say, OK that is that, no guilt?. LOL. No not by a long shot. I actually had to deal with an anxiety attack and chest pains and a headache, but that just let me know the control that I have been under. I was given this advice recently during a "melt down". Be yourself and not what others expect you to be because you are the only one that can be YOU!!!!

So now that you have sat and read through this whole book. This isn't a pity party, though let me know and I'll write you one, LOL. This isn't to hurt anyone or a defensive stance. It's just part of my homework in this experience. I think of it as a journey to healthy living. To becoming what I need to be. Not to say, I'm well by some magical potion. But see Sunday night we had a time of prayer at the end. They asked people to come forward if you needed healing and you know what? I went!! Sometimes God requires us to take action and then He steps in. I believe this. Because a few months ago I wouldn't have understood the chaos, but today I'm finding understanding and hope for a future. I just hope that in this journey I can find a way to help the person that doesn't know they need help. Maybe in my search for balance I can find a way to show them they need help, but I doubt it. You can't get help for something you refuse to acknowledge you need help with.

I had dinner a few weeks ago with a friend and I asked her the same question I recently posed to another friend. Am I a bad person? Am I being disrespectful? Do I have a right to do and say the things I just explained? I struggle with what if I am just demading my way and not thinking of others. What if what they say about me is true and I am just a selfish person and have no compassion. By both parties and in my "therapy" I've been assured if I was all those things I wouldn't worry about it. There is a balance and that is where I am, trying to find that balance.

So this is a next step for me. I know there are rough waters ahead but for today I know I can do this with God's help. Oh, and to those that have been giving me wise counsel, thank you. I don't know how to repay you so know that with each step towards healing I take you are the ones helping make it happen. Your prayers and thoughts and encouragement means everything to me.

I hope that someday I will be strong enough to help someone else make this journey. Heal the Wounds but Leave the Scars as a Reminder of How Merciful YOU Are.

What a Weekend!!

**groan**

I am so exhausted but we had a fun last couple days. We went camping with a bunch of people from church, we stayed until after dark and had a great time. I bought 2 blow-up matresses and stacked them one on top of the other and it made a very comfortable bed!!! When we first laid down to sleep the air was still and warm and I had a horrible time falling asleep. But the temp dropped and I feel asleep and woke up on the chilly side, threw my covers on and make out.

The funniest part for me was getting pulled over IN the state park. Who gets pulled over in a state park?? LOL. The whole story is Mom had a dinner deal she had to go to in Waco so after that she came to the park but it was almost midnight so she left her car outside the gate and got in the car with me. She was flipping out about leaving her car. Yeah, he pulled me over to see what was up. He was super nice though and told us to go back and bring Mom's car in. LOL. What a night.

It was a great weekend. Took my mind off our "boarders". I have someone that did the research and talked to an attorney and got answers to help these people go one with their lives and I passed the info along to my Mom and she got upset and informed me they would be staying until their friend gets here and they would discuss it at that time but they might be here until NOVEMEBER???? Oh!!!! They had better NOT be. This has gone on about as long as I can take it.

I'm working on my room. I am going to put in a little "kitchenette" but haven't figured out exactly how and where to do that. I'm acquiring a nice little setup so I'm excited. Keeps me from having to deal with these people. I have a nice little proposal coming together and we will either come up with a compromise or we'll never have people live with us again. I makes me so mad when people take advantage of my Mom. Grrr!!!

Well, I have a major headache and I'm exhausted and need a serious shower. So I'm out!!

Apostolic Music

I read this awesome site last night and now I can't find it and it's aggravating me. The guy who the site belongs to was writing regarding Apostolic Music and part of his writings captivated me. Since I can't find the site now I'm going to put it in my own words as much as I can remember.

"Apostolic music stands out in a unique way. This style of music crosses most bounderies being that you can find jazzy, country and black gospel mixed in just to name a few. People try to take this music and copy or mimic it because of the feeling that surrounds Apostolic music. They can copy the exuberance and the sound and perhaps even the worship it brings but NOTHING they do can copy the Anointing that only God can give. They try to fake it in moves and dances, they can not however fake an anointing because when God pours out an anointing on a choir, choral, trio or any artist the spirit and power you feel is only from God above."

I read that and my response was WOW and AMEN!!!!! Recently I was talking to someone and we were talking about music in our lives past, present and future. I was raised singing in church. We usually had a kids choir, youth choir and the adult choir, chorale and solo stuff. I was very involved in the music in the church I grew up. I really looked up to our director as a mentor, she gave me voice and music lessons and taught me alot. It really bothers me that today music seems to be viewed as something we sit back and watch. It seems like people try to figure everything out and disect it. In doing so, in my opinion for what it's worth, we are losing the very thing that makes Apostolic music so powerful, and that is an anointing from God. Now we try to be perfect, look perfect and we get ourselves so caught up in trying to be "great" that we forget to let God do His will.

I'll never forget my former Pastor, Pastor's wife and music director talking to me when I first started singing in our adult choir and had been asked to sing lead on a song. They reminded me that my talent is from God above and not of my own working. That I needed to always remember that any good that would come about was all to God's glory and not of my own. One of them impressed in me to pray before getting up to sing and ask God to use me, for Him to use my voice. That it wouldn't be me but that people could see Jesus through me, so that I was an instrument that He could use. I can remember the prayer meetings our choir/praise team would have before service began as we begin to ask God to use us in that service, to unite us as one voice and one mind so that He could work in that service to touch someones heart. Our desire was to be a willing vessel God could use so that someone would be blessed. I'm sure we messed up our fair share of the time but there were services when God would move in a very powerful way.

I have been asking myself where am I at today? Am I more concerned with my attire, my performance and sound than just being used of God? Something to think about.

Just a Jumble of Musings.

So I'm thinking my God is pretty awesome. LOL.

A friend of ours went into cardiac arrest a week ago, basically he died, as his wife puts it. 11 electric shocks to his heart and his heart was beating again. He is a miracle!! The doctors told his wife he would be brain dead but I'm here to tell you that he called my Dad by name when we visited. He was very much NOT brain dead. He was supposed to be having surgery today and I haven't heard how that went yet, but I know that God has been with him and his family through this whole ordeal.

I had just talked to a friend a couple weeks before and we were talking about God and such. I made the comment I'm tired of ho hum walks with God, I'm ready to see miracles and amazing things. I know God can do them but perhaps our Faith hasn't been strong or maybe we aren't walking close enough to God to see things anymore. I'm so hungry for a deeper walk, to see God's Power again in mighty ways. Yeah, we have the "little" miracles, but what about those MAJOR things, and now we have.

I took a trip, you can read my past emails concerning that trip and the disturbing time we had. I just made me want to cling a little closer to God. I came back and emailed my Pastor just to thank him for the fact he teaches was the Word says and doesn't force his own personal agenda. Then I made up my mind. If no one else in my church wants more I do. I have watched a close friend I go to church with as she has begin to push further in worship, reaching out in a spiritual sense a little more than others. I've seen people glance her way but she doesn't care. She is longing for a deeper place in God and she isn't going to wait on someone else to get there first. She is willing to step out. We had dinner together a few weeks ago and we just talked about everythign past, present and our futures. She has a family and I don't but we shared our desires and burdens. I reminds me of why we are friends, we have the same longing to walk deeper in God.

So I decided I don't want to be intimidated in our services anymore. I'm willing to step out and be different. If someone doesn't like it they can deal with it. I HAVE to find God. I can't say I'm a "spiritual person" because I'm probably the worst when it comes to reading my Bible and praying like I should. I probably roam into things I shouldn't from time to time. But I have been asking God to take me beyond what I have now and what I had in the past. I'm so hungry for more of God. I don't like the tests and the trials but to just really know Him.

This last Sunday morning, I guess the devil was fighting us or Murphy's Law was visiting, LOL, long story. What a disaster!!! The chorale and sound was just all messed up and we had practiced and it had gone OK. I wanted the platform to just swallow us up. You know it's bad when the Pastor has to come up and help, LOL. The song we were singing was so beautiful and powerful and it was just a fight trying to make it happen. I just closed my eyes and begin to pray that God would help us and guess what... God was there, when I got back to my pew I made a mental decision standing there that I'm sick and tired of a preformace and I closed my eyes and told God, I know what anointing is when you are singing. I've seen choirs and chorales that were anointed, they might not always look the best, sound perfect but they knew how to let God use their voices. I can't say the choir at the church I grew up in was perfect, we messed up AND we had people in the choir that couldn't sing on key to save their soul. They did however have a longing to be used of God. We didn't focus on how we would present ourselves. Instead we were taught to focus on Him. I'll never forget a lesson I heard in Sunday School in the Senior High class. I don't know who taught it but they impressed us to remember our talents are from God and we should use them for Him. They said to always remember to pray that God would use you, not to show our own glory but so that others would see His glory THROUGH us. That our voices would be an instrument that He could use to touch someones heart. That we would be anointed and that our voices would be united as ONE voice reaching up to God. I can tell you we used have amazing things happen. I remember the story of one lady while our choir was singing Jesus Be A Fence, she came up for prayer (she was a visitor) and God healed her. Her testimony was that the power she felt while the choir sang and seeing the choir worshipping God, it drew her to the front.

I don't think God is concerned if we look and act like some major artist. I think He wants so see us sell out to Him. Give Him our all and let Him use it. I know I am a work in Progress but I ask God daily to please use me. I know he can but I also know it takes work on my part in order for Him to use me.