Pride Shows Through

So, I've been disturbed by a conversation I had in which people voiced their opinions of whether someone was called into ministry or not. I didn't have much to say because 1) Who am I to judge, 2) I've heard many positive things about him and his ministry, 3) I understood his response because I grew up under the same leadership and know we don't make ways for ourselves.

I was raised in a church where I was very involved, no, make that EXTREMELY involved. Yet I NEVER ASKED if I could be involved in any ministry. I was always taught that if you wanted to be used in an area of interest to you, you needed to pray and talk to God about it and if it was His will, HE would make a way. If you showed an interest you would never have gotten to that point. We were always reminded that God is the one in control and we are nothing. We have no talent, no expertise unless God gives it to us. I enjoyed singing and was blessed to get to use my talent alot, but I always remembered it wasn't MY talent, it was God's.

I have discussed this in great length with my brother who believes like I do. This past weekend we were able to be able to get together with our friend and my brother was very impressed when they got into a discussion about grace, I believe it was. My brother was amazed that our friend had the same view as we do and our church. My brother commented to me after the fact that he had NO doubt his friend has a call on his life, but he is very humble and modest about it. Is that bad? NO, I should think not.

So, I've thought about my 2 lives, because that is what they are in every aspect. I was raised to not make a name for myself and to never question authority. I was so very proud of our holiness standards. We lived our lives for our standards. The tougher the standards the prouder we became. Our attitudes stunk because we thought ourselves so much higher or above other churches. Matter of fact if a church had a lesser standard than us we didn't associate with them and looked down our noses at them. After I left that church I was embarrased and disgusted with the way we were. By our actions we were probably worse than those we looked down on. I was glad looking back that I was far removed from that. Now, I think about my life today and I wonder are we any better? Our pride is still there it's just moved around. I receive comments about my friends that are trying to hold on to their heritage, find a good Pastor and build something back that Satan tore down. What is wrong with that? Only the fact we are becoming what we were before and it disgusts me that we are lowering ourselves to that point. To become judges of peoples calls to ministry or walk with God because we think our knowledge is key to Heaven? Who are we to think we are something? Without God we can't be anything.

I think about it all and there are days I wish I could go back and rebuild it. Make it something I'm not embarrased to talk about. There were so many memories and good times and for what? Life is so different and confusing now.

It's these conversations that remind me that I'm nothing and I know that. I'm so happy and excited that I can now go back and sit in a building I sacrificed for and remember the good parts and I can let the bad parts go.

So next time I think everyone needs to come to OUR church, I hope I can remember that I'm not the only one on the highway to Heaven. I hope things turn out and perhaps life will move on again.

Does The Pain End???

So my heart is broken right now. I'm so confused and want all of this to just go away. Guilt is a funny thing and while it's easy to forgive others, usually, it's so hard to forgive ourselves. This conversation wasn't so hard to have, but the memories are overwhelming and then the guilt comes, but it's no ones fault but mine, I didn't have to let my emotions believe something they would never be able to have. But how do you stop something you don't even realize is happening? There were things but were they really so wrong? If I participated or remained silent and allowed it how do I go back and say it's wrong now? It's all so confusing and the pain doesn't go away maybe it will soon, maybe it will really be over and I can go on with life. Or maybe life will always be this way. Always having guilt, did I make the right decisions? Should I have stayed? What would have happened if I had stayed? I don't think the pain will end, thankfully most days it stays tucked away but it's phone calls like this, when you are interrogated (haha), and people don't believe you are telling the truth and even though you answer questions you always know you are holding on to a part you will never let go, because you can't. Hopefully this was the last call, so I can go back to my normal life and not live in fear of the unknown anymore.

I'm Just Having a Moment

Life is so strange!! You never know what the future is and your scared to let go of the past. It's so hard to figure out life. One moment you want to grasp life and live to the fullest and the next moment you are trying to figure out what life even is.

I had a friend tell me recently that they liked the "pre age 30" Taniss better. This new more outgoing, funny and sarcastic humor Taniss wasn't their favorite. I laughed it off with a what Taniss did you like?

The last 8 or so years, I'm not sure who I am or was. Seems the quiet, shy, go with the flow was more the type. I have really thought this over alot. Why and when did I change so drastically. Some started when; I went through all the "extras" in my life, life and hardships and pain changes you. But I didn't fully understand until this weekend at Girls Night Out.

I went out with a bunch of my friends that are 30+ and single. Rather they are single never married, widowed or divorced. I sat at the end of the table across from the only other one there never married, no children. In our conversation this hilarious, fun, outgoing lady shared with me that she is very shy and the funny person everyone knows her by is a cover. She said as a single in her 40's she deals with the pain of it by being hilarious, making people laugh. That way people think she's OK and will leave her alone.

So I thought about that and we talked alot that night. People say they understand but they can't really know what your going through unless they've been there. I told her my conversation about the changes in me and my attitude. She said could it be that in dealing with this new turn in your life, 30 is big, you do like me and become something your not rather than deal with it?

Hmmm, makes you think.... Oh, and she is probably correct!!!

Build a Bridge

An old man, going a lone highway,
Came, at the evening, cold and gray,
To a chasm, vast, and deep, and wide,
Through which was flowing a sullen tide.
The old man crossed in the twilight dim;
The sullen stream had no fears for him;
But he turned, when safe on the other side,
And built a bridge to span the tide.
"Old man," said a fellow pilgrim, near,
"You are wasting strength with building here;
Your journey will end with the ending day;
You never again must pass this way;
You have crossed the chasm, deep and wide-
Why build you a bridge at the eventide?"
The builder lifted his old gray head:
"Good friend, in the path I have come," he said,
"There followeth after me today,
A youth, whose feet must pass this way.
This chasm, that has been naught to me,
To that fair-haired youth may a pitfall be.
He, too, must cross in the twilight dim;
Good friend, I am building the bridge for him."
-Will Allen Dromgoole

I thought I would pass this poem along to all of you. I like it.

In Sunday School I look at the little kids that are filling the classroom and hope and pray they don't go through some of the struggles I have faced. I hope that they can watch by my example that some things are better left untouched. I hope when they are my age life has been kind to them and they have no regrets.

So to all that are leading children or young people today, remember we are bridge builders. Let's build some bridges so they don't fall. Just because we survived doesn't mean those that follow us will. Let's make their paths sure. Let's Build a Bridge.

We can make a difference.